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| Valium savings bank via Amazon. |
Last night I was texting with my awesome friend Tina, whining about my lame-ass illness.
Tina has a son who is profoundly disabled. He has cerebral palsy and mito and seizures and all kinds of stuff going on. He also has a stomach virus right now, so his seizure meds aren't really working so well. Regardless, Tina is freaking hilarious and awesome and non-whiney.
My smartphone isn't all that smart, so I can't just show you a screen-capture of the conversation, but it went like this. Watch as my Nyquil high takes me down a path of something that probably only I think is hilarious.
Me: Whiney, whine, whine. (Not what I actually wrote, but might as well have.)
Tina: Aiden had 3 seizures on Monday. Now I'm getting an order for Valium to be administered rectally. Yay me. ::rolls eyes::
Me: Poor kiddo. The least the docs could do is write a scrip for oral Valium for you, then.
Tina: Meh, I already have my Xanax.
Me: I can think of a few people who could use some rectal Valium, actually. Of course, Rick Perry would have to remove that giant stick he's got up there first.
Tina: To clarify, the rectal Valium is only to be administered if a seizure lasts more than 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, well that certainly makes it easy to administer, doesn't it?
Tina: Exactly.
Me: "Rectal Valium" is going to be my new catchphrase.
Me: If I was starting a new blog tomorrow, I would call it "Rectal Valium."
I assume during this time, Tina got bored with my Nyquil-induced insanity, and turned off her phone. Subsequently, I passed out.
This morning, the exchange is staying with me. You know the concept of "it could always be worse"? Sure, I may have annoying pneumonia, but I don't have to attempt to rectally administer Valium to a mid-seizure child. Now, every time I feel like I've got it bad, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.
It's a multi-purpose phrase, though. Because also, every time I see Rick Perry in the news, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.
Uptight mom at PTO? Rectal Valium.
Remember the time I had you thinking about untamed va-jay-jays all day? I'm pretty sure now you're going to have the phrase Rectal Valium running through your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome. I look forward to hearing about how you manage to incorporate this useful phrase into your conversations.
I must find a way to work this into a conversation with my husband - he will bust a gut laughing for sure! LOL
ReplyDeletebetween rectal Valium and my theory that assholes of the world just need an enema we could solve all the worlds problems.
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ReplyDeletehilarious post! and just proves that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...
ReplyDeleteOh man - whenever I am having "a day" I can always count on you to make me laugh! First of all, get better! Easier said than done but having been an unwilling draftee in the No Germ Left Behind program at the end of this last year, I can tell you that absolutely FLOODING yourself with liquids really and truly does make you get better faster. You have to drink like it's your job and no, martinis don't count!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, yes, "rectal valium" will become a mental mantra - I can just tell. When imagined administered WITHOUT therapeutic need, there's something mentally satisfying about the administration method combined with the tranquilizing effect that makes this sort of a tidy mental middle finger proffered to the morons of the world. Like all the drivers this morning in Massachusetts with all of 3/4 of an inch of snow on the ground. We are in NEW ENGLAND people - figure it out. You all need RECTAL VALIUM!
And Domestic Goddess - some of them just need Optirectomies. That's where they cut the nerve from the eyeball to the asshole so they don't have such a shitty outlook on life.
That sounds like the least pleasant way relax...
ReplyDeleteToo funny! We also have rectal Valium on hand for my son in case of bad seizures. BTW, it is damn expensive!
ReplyDeleteWe have some of that too for my daughter when she has a febral seizures. We're stocked up and ready but luckily she hasn't had one in over a year. I bet no one would notice if one of the injectors is missing if you need to carry around some rectal valium with you.
ReplyDeleteOh I just love you!
ReplyDeleteJust yesterday I learned the phrase 'dellbeeno' which someone used in reference to a used sanitary product thrown in the floor of the bathroom. I asked wha?? She said, 'ya know, like, dell be no sex tonight'. OH my even yesser I say to these two new terms! I think whoever left the dellbeeno needs some rectal valium!
ReplyDeleteI didn't even know you could ingest valium rectally. But now that I'm armed with that important information, I'm going to spread the word. The world must know about this miracle known as RECTAL VALIUM!!
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to say rectal valium. I am now busy thinking up conversation starters that will ensure this will happen.
ReplyDeletePS - so crappy (get it - bahahahaha) about the pneumonia. :( Really hope you feel better.
xo
Rectal Valium sounds like a metal band to me. Hope you get to feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteDittos to the Anonymous - that stuff is NOT cheap! I filled the scrips last year (when diagnosed), but we've been seizure free for more than a year, so I did not opt to refill this time around. I mean, if I'm going to plunk down $200 for Valium, I'd at least like to be able to appreciate some of the benefit ... without, you know. Ha! Thanks, SRMM - you always find a way to spot the hilarity!
ReplyDeleteSuddenly, the last 2 weeks of my daughter's joints popping in and out and causing her to cry most of the day (thanks for not working rx naproxen) seems a little less horrible. I am going to take liquid valium (wine) now, though, cause I still am done even if a lot of other people have it way worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me laugh, cause I feel like crying. Especially about Rick Perry, I am a right winger and I still don't enjoy him.
Hopefully we won't be seeing/hearing much more from Rick "Stick up his pooper" Perry. However, we still have Rick "sh*t for brains" Santorm to deal with. Maybe it's the name Rick. It rhymes with...well...you get my thought process here.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon.
My husband has been using this phrase all day. Keep in mind he's been home ill all day and did quasi-domestic things like laundry and changing toilet paper rolls, but still....rectal valium.....
ReplyDeleteBahwahahahahahhaha! What a great way to start my day. We have had one disaster after another going on lately and this just helped me get through the day. And I thought only us nurses had sick, warped senses of humor. You Are AWESOME! It's going to be my go to phrase for the day!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the oh-so-needed nice laugh. With an Austistic wife and three Autistic kids my personal Rectal Valium of choice is good whiskey and I had walking pneumonia at the same time you did. So, nice, eh? Anyway, thanks for the smile and do enjoy the weekend!
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