So imagine my delight when a helpful reader named Susan brought to my attention the following headline from TMZ: 'NY Housewives' Star Cindy Barshop: 'The Merkin Biz is Booming!'
First of all, you know any fashion trend brought to you by TMZ is going to be full-on awesome. Secondly, the word merkin is enough to send me into fits of giggles.
Merkin. Merkin. Snicker.
A merkin, for those who don't know, is a pubic hair wig. A toupee, if you will, for your crotch. According to Wikipedia (thank God SOPA is dead, right?):
The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to the 1450s. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.Well, that's hot.
So, according to TMZ, there is now a trend for women to have all of their pubic hair waxed off (ouch) and then replaced with fake pubic hair.
Oh, but not just any hair. I did some research on this, y'all. The best ones are made with human hair. Sometimes it's dyed fun colors and sometimes it's left, um, "natural." Because it's totally natural to glue someone else's hair to your crotch.
"Real" Housewife Cindy Barshop, who owns some kind of waxing/vajazzling/merkin shop, says that the newest merkin trends are fur and feathers.
|"Carnivale Bikini," for the Vegas Showgirl|
in you. (Image: Completely Bare.)
Because you really want to add more crazy to this story, enter PETA. Huffington Post reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have unsurprisingly slammed the trend. What is surprising, however, is their use of obscenity in their statement. They chose language so foul that I don't even use that word, and I swear like a drunken sailor.
|"Foxy Bikini," described by Gawker as "nightmare porno|
from the id of Dr. Seuss." (Image: Completely Bare.)
But back to the merkins. I'm sure you immediately have all kinds of questions, just like I did. Happily, I've already researched the topic, to save you from getting your computer all infected with viruses that are surely found on the websites I've been to in the last 24 hours. Here's a summary of my research:
- You glue the things on with something called "spirit gum." Spirit gum is waterproof, but I'm guessing the feathers and fox fur are not. Sadly, Cindy Barshop's website does not offer any advice on care and maintenance of the merkin. I'm sure your local dry cleaner has more information on the proper way to clean and store all your fine merkins.
- Spirit gum comes off with spirit gum remover (sold separately). That sounds painful, but once you've had all your pubic hair ripped out, maybe nothing else hurts in comparison.
- There is an unfortunately-named designer of expensive and really beautiful handbags named Lauren Merkin. If I had $200 to blow, I'd totally spend it on a Merkin clutch rather than a Barshop crotch-wig. Added bonus: I'd be able to say things at the next PTO meeting like "have you seen my new Merkin? It's snakeskin."
- Tip: If you get bored with gluing your merkin to your va-jay-jay, you can always use it as fake chest hair or a fake goatee. Top that, Hints from Heloise.
- Etsy has a really disappointing selection of merkins. I was hoping for all kinds of crazy-ass crocheted nonsense. And there was like, one thing made out of felt that looked like a preschool art project. So for those of you who are crafty: there's a big business opportunity for ya. You're welcome.
- If you were going to craft your own Merkin, I'd like to recommend Martha Stewart's line of "glitter eyelash" yarn from Lion Brands. Martha is totally affordable and always tasteful. Plus, then you could advertise on Etsy as selling exclusive Martha Stewart merkins. You might not even get sued!
|Martha Stewart Yarn 'n' Omnimedia: For all your merkin needs.|
(Image: Lion Brand Yarn.)