1. I have chronic nosebleeds. It's nothing serious, and yes my doctor knows about it. It's just wicked annoying. And disgusting. And happens pretty much all winter long.
2. The only long-term solution is to have a vein inside my nose cauterized. WITH FIRE. Or something. Cigarette lighter from a 1978 Honda Civic? I don't know what they use.
|I'm totally glamorous like this. Except for the part|
about the seaweed-infused nose tampon.
4. To try to prevent the nosebleeds, I snort saline spray up my nose many times a day. I'm like a cross between someone who's a little too into yoga and a cokehead.
5. At a certain point, the saline nasal spray system fails me, and then I suddenly go from "slightly irritated" to "multiple nosebleeds a day that look like something out of a really cheap horror flick." That magical point was yesterday.
6. There is no good time for a nosebleed to start. Particularly bad times include while trying to get the kids ready for school and while changing someone's Pull-Up.
7. There are two ways to deal with my nosebleeds: lie on the couch for 40 minutes; or jam what is essentially a very special nose tampon into my head. I do not have 40 minutes to lie on the couch.
8. The nose tampons are coated with some kind of seaweed extract. Also, they smell funny.
9. I used my last very special nose tampon yesterday. I went to four damn stores to find more of the stuff, but it's apparently is a rare commodity in Pennsylvania. They sold it everywhere in Texas, so props to you Texas. Cannot freaking find it here.
10. I just had to order my very special nose tampons online. The nose tampon company doesn't offer any kind of expedited shipping. So I'm just screwed for however long it takes for the things to get here.
I bet you feel just a little bit better about your life right now. You're welcome.