Toddlers Dressed as Hookers, Red Bull, and Pageant Tips from SRMM

This week there was a big hullabaloo over an outfit worn by a little girl on the show Toddlers and Tiaras.  As part of a pageant, a mom dressed her three-year-old daughter as Pretty Woman.  She wore the "classy" brown-and-white polka dot dress, but also the hooker outfit.  Yes, the one with the ring that connects the crop top to the miniskirt.  The outfit was finished off with patent thigh-high boots and a wig.

You can see the outfit on the always-informative website TMZ by clicking here.  You can see clips of the actual show on TLC's website.  The clips include the hooker outfit, and also another one of a different mom strapping fake boobs onto a four-year-old so she can work a Dolly Parton look.  And a clip of a tiny little girl getting a spray tan.  And then there's a clip of a one-year-old screaming as her pageant coach tries to pin some fake hair to her little head.  I'm sure there's more clips, but I had to stop there and weep for humanity.

Back to the hooker outfit.  The mom, Wendy Dickey, has countered criticism by correctly pointing out that the outfit is less revealing than swimwear or gymnastics wear.  While this is true, I'd like to point out that you dressed your daughter as a prostitute.

Mrs. Dickey also said that her daughter had no idea what she was dressed as.  I'm sure that's true, but it doesn't change the fact that you dressed your daughter as a prostitute.  I'm pretty sure that at some point, the little girl will grow up, see the movie Pretty Woman and be like, "what. the. hell.  You dressed me as a prostitute." 

Now that the outfit has caused such a stir, Mrs. Dickey has decided to auction off the outfit and donate the proceeds to charity.  This begs the question:  who the hell is going to buy this outfit?  I can only imagine how the ebay ad would go:

This begs the question: who do you suppose buys a hooker outfit in a 3T?  I mean, besides Mrs. Dickey.

Look, I get that pageants can be totally fun.  There's good scholarship money in it, the dresses are sparkly, and you get to feel like a princess.  Awesome.  Not my thing, but you go for yours.


And I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of Pageant Parents are not like the nut job dad who plied his tired two-year-old with a "special juice" of Red Bull, apple juice, and Coke to get her through her routine in the same Toddlers and Tiaras episode.  Have you ever wondered why everything has a warning label on it nowadays?  Because of guys like that.

For those parents on the pageant circuit who have not yet gone insane, I thought I could offer some tips.  I'm sure it's easy to slide down that slippery slope of fake boobs, Vaseline, and Red Bull to become the crazies on Toddlers and Tiaras.  Here's some things you should know:

My Tips for Pageant Parents

1. Red Bull is not a suitable drink for small humans.  It's full of chemicals.  If your two-year-old princess isn't perky enough, you really want to go the more natural route.  Instead of something canned, go for something freshly-made, like a Venti double-espresso mocha.  Sugar-free, of course.  I'm kidding.  Let her have the sugar.  If that fails, how about letting your kid take a damn nap?

2. Dressing a three-year-old like a prostitute is not appropriate.  No matter how funny you might think it is, it's just not cool.  There.  Now you know.  So if you go ahead and dress your daughter like that, you can no longer act surprised that people might see it as degrading to your child. 

3. If you ever make it into the big leagues and actually appear on Toddlers and Tiaras, you will be mocked by most of America.  I don't know what these parents think when they sign up for this show.  Haven't they ever watched it?  Maybe you watch it for pageant tips.  The rest of us watch it because it's a train wreck and makes us feel like better parents.