|The stirrer is for snorting.|
News outlets were all abuzz yesterday with the news of a study saying that women who drank two to three cups of coffee a day over a ten-year period were 15 percent less likely to experience depression, compared to those who drink only one cup of coffee or less per week.
Related breaking news: There are women who drink only one cup of coffee or less per week. Good for them. (Freaks.)
The study authors cautioned that the study shows a correlative link, not a causative link, and doesn't prove that coffee prevents depression.
Confused? Let me explain:
A correlative link connects two possibly unrelated things: Moms wearing a red shirt were twice as likely to have read guilt-inducing news yesterday.
A causative link shows a connection between things: I read guilt-inducing news yesterday and then shoved more cookies into my piehole.
Really, these researchers could have saved themselves a metric f**k-ton of money and just hung out with me for a day. I would have explained to them that:
a) Coffee is an upper and makes me feel good.
b) Going without coffee makes me depressed and/or want to smack people.
c) People self-medicate with coffee for alllll kinds of things, like ADHD, depression, and wanting to smack people.
d) Coffee is such an upper and source of self-medication that the only way I was able to cut back on coffee was when my ADHD was finally diagnosed and treated with amphetamines.
Anyway, back to the important news here: Coffee. Lots of it. Good for you. Wheeeeee!
Because I'm whacked out on coffee and Adderall, let's ignore the cautions of researchers and extrapolate their results. If two to three cups of coffee are good, I bet the whole damn pot is fantastic.