Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Coffee, Depression, and Why Medical Researchers Crack Me Up

The stirrer is for snorting.
Finally, some medical news that we can all be happy about.  Instead of making moms feel guilty about taking antidepressants or making moms feel guilty about letting their kids watch TV, researchers have finally given us something to feel good about: coffee.
News outlets were all abuzz yesterday with the news of a study saying that women who drank two to three cups of coffee a day over a ten-year period were 15 percent less likely to experience depression, compared to those who drink only one cup of coffee or less per week.

Related breaking news: There are women who drink only one cup of coffee or less per week.  Good for them.  (Freaks.)

The study authors cautioned that the study shows a correlative link, not a causative link, and doesn't prove that coffee prevents depression.

Confused?  Let me explain:

A correlative link connects two possibly unrelated things:  Moms wearing a red shirt were twice as likely to have read guilt-inducing news yesterday.

A causative link shows a connection between things:  I read guilt-inducing news yesterday and then shoved more cookies into my piehole.

Really, these researchers could have saved themselves a metric f**k-ton of money and just hung out with me for a day.  I would have explained to them that:

a) Coffee is an upper and makes me feel good. 
b) Going without coffee makes me depressed and/or want to smack people.
c) People self-medicate with coffee for alllll kinds of things, like ADHD, depression, and wanting to smack people.
d) Coffee is such an upper and source of self-medication that the only way I was able to cut back on coffee was when my ADHD was finally diagnosed and treated with amphetamines.

Anyway, back to the important news here: Coffee.  Lots of it.  Good for you.  Wheeeeee!

Because I'm whacked out on coffee and Adderall, let's ignore the cautions of researchers and extrapolate their results.  If two to three cups of coffee are good, I bet the whole damn pot is fantastic.


  1. Reason # 8779 that I heart SRMM: Your ability to make me spew coffee while simultaneously making me feel less guilty about funneling my second cup just moments before reading this post.

  2. bloody brilliant description - "Moms wearing a red shirt were twice as likely to have read guilt-inducing news yesterday."

  3. Hmmm, is it the caffeine that's the "magic bullet" here? If it is, I'm doomed to a life of dragging myself three steps behind my family, because I can't have caffeine any more - my body won't let me (unless I really want palpitations, jitters, insomnia and feeling like a heart attack is stalking me). So, SRMM, please drink some extra leaded coffee for me - because SOMEONE ought to have the full awesome benefit of all that regular coffee, and achieve world peace, or at least find the bottom of the laundry pile and keep their kids alive to the end of each week, and refrain from smacking people who would really benefit from the experience. Wait, I think I just found my niche! I can be SRMM's sidekick/enforcer, since I'm uninhibited by any caffeine intake. Yes! I'm ready to serve.

  4. I think it is interesting that this mornings talk show talking about this decided it could be that having coffee is also likely to be visit with a friend time and that this might be the real cause-- except they missed that they had just said that decaf did NOT do the same as full caffeine coffee which would not have been true if it were just having company. I enjoy coffee very very much so it was nice to hear it is likely doing some good things for me in addition to the bad things it can do. :)

  5. LMFAO...I tell ya what, SRMM brings me out of a slump, too! *sips pot 'o coffee*

  6. Perfect, now I don't have to feel guilty for buying that cup of coffee on my way to work . . . only to brew anothero pot here at work. Sweet, it is all in the name of moving beyond my PPD! Thank you so much for this wonderful news.

    Now I just need to stop feeling guilty about spending the money for that coffee . . .

  7. in OTHER breaking news, Baroness Greenfield has linked increased coffee drinking and the proliferation of the Starbucks chain in particular with causing autism.

  8. Aaaaand...now I'm ready for another cup of coffee!

  9. The only adult I know who doesn't drink coffee is a 60 year old co-worker who has never had kids and, therefore, has spent her entire life sleeping when and as much as she likes, eating exactly when and what she wants, and never enduring tantrums, whining, or similar. Clearly coffee is not needed in her situation. For everyone else, where there is coffee there is life.

  10. You just completely made my day. Aaaaand now I'm going for another cup of coffee.

  11. Ahh, my 10 cup a day habit is now justified. I better get on that world peace thing, clearly I am highly qualified!

    Awesome chart!!!!!! The med combo is clearly worth the result! LOL

  12. I could easily drink a pot of coffee a day. Though I'm not sure about the world peace thing. I think global domination seems like a worthy incentive.

  13. Maybe that's why I'm so depressed all the time: I don't drink any coffee. I do make up for it in the tonnage of chocolate I consume regularly.

  14. THIS is the best bar graph EVER! I am mean mommy without my coffee. True story. Didn't take a study either.

    Margaret (@goodbadfamily)

  15. I agree that this is the best bar graph ever.
    And I'm highly in favor of any study that touts the benefits of coffee, chocolate or red wine.

  16. my experience is totally anecdotal. coffee makes me depressed. i have some morning classes that are difficult to stay awake in so on those days i have to drink coffee. after my 2nd cup i start to feel really anxious. by the end of the day i'm basically despondent. and this is hours after my last cup, so it really effects my mood for the entire day. btw, i was diagnosed ADD as a kid and was prescribed dexadrine, which is an upper. i stopped taking it though because i didn't like the way it made me feel, so maybe i'm just sensitive to stimulants... anyway, i googled coffee and depression and all i find are articles on how coffee prevents depression, so i must be the anomaly...

  17. Very interesting post. really informative. of all the blogs I have read on the same topic, this one is actually enlightening.


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