Thursday, June 2, 2011

Top 10 Skankeriffic Sandals My Daughters Will Not Be Wearing This Summer

Holy crap.  This Michael Kors sandal for girls
has a 1" platform and 2.75" heel. 
Also: needs more glitter.
Also: needs more trends jammed into one shoe.

If you've been following along with my blog for a while, you know that I cannot stand skanky stuff for little girls. If you're not clear on my stance on this, please review my take on Halloween costumes, my thoughts on Bratz dolls, or really the the entire "Stop Dressing Like a Skank and/or Dressing Your Kid Like a Skank" section on The Best of SRMM.

We have a memorial event to go to next month to honor my father-in-law, and it would be nice if my kids had something summery to wear on their feet besides Crocs. 

Last weekend, I went sandal shopping with my three daughters, aged seven, ten, and ten.  The horror ... the horror.

I'm not exactly sure when the Shoe Industry decided that little girls needed quite so many high-heel options, but I'm pretty sure it was before Memorial Day Weekend, 2011.

You know what?  We see enough medical specialists without adding in an orthopedist when they fall off the platform shoes, or the podiatrist by the time they're eighteen when their feet are a mess from wearing high heels while their bones are still growing.  I am seriously not in the mood to deal with teeny-tiny little bunions and itty-bitty hammer toes from these whacked-out shoes.

After going to three different stores, we found sandals for all three girls.  Perhaps Kohl's, Target, and Payless could help me out in the future by organizing their sandals into "skankeriffic" and "won't embarass their grandparents" sections.  That would totally speed up the process.

Yes, I know that there are brands and stores that probably carry more traditional sandals, but sadly those well-made shoes are a bit out of my budget.  There are a lot of feet to be shod in this family.  Also, lest you think that only the cheapy-cheap stores are carrying ridiculous wedge heels for little girls, please note that Michael Kors is hawking 2.75-inch heeled sandals for girls over at Bloomingdale's.

I was so horrified by what I found out there, that I was prompted to bring you the Top Ten Shoes My Daughters Will Not Be Wearing This Summer.

Before I do that, though, I need to clarify what I'm talking about.  I'm not talking about sandals that are ugly, tacky, or just plain overly trendy (gladiator sandals, I'm looking at you).  I'm not talking about sandals with little heels that are clearly meant for very special occasions. 

Let's take a look at what I'm not even talking about:
Conveniently, these gems come in toddler sizes, so that your two-year-old can pretend to be a very tiny, but flamboyant, ancient Roman swordsman.
Seriously, I just don't get cuff sandals.  Maybe they're for when you can't decide whether you want to go to the beach or re-enact Madonna videos from 1984?
Apparently these are for when your three-year-old can't decide between the gladiator style or the cuff sandals.  Because what toddler *doesn't* love having her heels and ankles be all sweaty in July?

I get it.  It's for some special occasion.  Okay.  But still; really?  Plus, it could really use more shine.

Okay, so now we know what I'm *not* talking about.  You know what I *am* talking about?  Shoes that are so inappropriate, Suri Cruise wouldn't wear them.  Here, then, are the Top Ten Most Skankeriffic Shoes My Daughters Will Not Be Wearing This Summer.  Please note that all the shoes shown in this post come in sizes to fit my seven-year-old daughter. 

10. Is That Wood?  Incredibly, after I looked at enough sandals, these 2-inch wedge sandals from Kenneth Cole started to look positively demure.  But then I remembered that there's really no good reason for my seven-year-old to wear 2-inch heels.  Plus, it appears that the insole is made of wood, which seems kind of ... not comfy. 

9. Wood With Lamé.  Kenneth Cole seems a little fond of wood.  Just sayin.'



8. WTF Flip-Flops.  I'm really not sure why a flip-flop would need to be two inches high.  Maybe for added height when spiking the ball in beach volleyball?


7. Because a Two-Inch Heel is Not Enough.  Here we go with the higher heels.  News flash, eight-year-olds: you're supposed to be short.
6. Cork-n-Glitter.  It's like a Birkenstock's skanky cousin. 


5. When Your Little Girl is "So Over" the Wedge Heel.  Don't fret, little one.  Wedge heels are not the only option.  There are also mules with ridiculous heels and even less ankle support.

4. For "Solid Gold Dancer" Try-Outs.  It just occurred to me that "Solid Gold" is possibly the only show from the 70s that hasn't been made into a movie yet.  Let's start a pool as to when that will happen.  I'm betting on this August.


3. For the Youngest Project Runway Enthusiast.  You know what?  I don't care if you *are* the next Heidi Klum, sweetie.  Children's shoes should not have 2.75-inch heels.


2. Make Up Your Mind.  These shoes creep me out because the leather (pleather?) part looks so much like the white sandals my girls wore when they were four.  But then they slapped it on top of both a wedge and a platform.  Here's a clue: if your child is too young to manage an actual buckle, and must resort to Velcro, she probably does not need 2-inch platform heels.

1.  It's a Hot (Glue) Mess.  While these don't have the highest heels of the bunch, they win the prize for overall tackiness and best use of plastic gems.  It's like somebody got wasted on tequila, broke into the craft store, and got crazy with the hot glue guns.

54 comments:

  1. AMEN to everything! I DO NOT understand why they make shoes for little girls with heels, or "bling" or whose sole purpose is to look flashy. My 5-year-old doesn't need to look flashy. She doesn't need heeled shoes, she doesn't need halter tops, and she doesn't need boy shorts! NO WAY! I made a blog post regarding this subject a while ago. I just don't understand what society is coming to. http://margie.walkertribe.com/2010/06/im-confused-am-i-supposed-to-be-raising.html

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  2. We just finished sandal shopping this week, too. My daughter's getting to the stage where hearing me say "When you have an actual job, three inch pumps might be appropriate. I sincerely hope you'll never have one where those five inch platform-gladiator-cuff-spike heeled thigh high boots are appropriate. Let's go practice your spelling list" is pretty common, and almost not embarrassing anymore. WHY do they want our children to look like miniature pole dancers?

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  3. OMG, I'm dying at your descriptions! You had me at the Birkenstock's skanky cousin, but then I totally lost it with the Solid Gold Dancer try outs. I'm glad I have all boys. I just have to deal with finding something that the least ugly possible, but skanky they're not.

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  4. Oh how I needed that laugh this morning - your descriptions were positively the best part! I agree with you though. Why does everything have to be skanky? Great post!!!

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  5. Some killer cute and age appropriate sandals at Wal-Mart: http://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?ref=+184562&Find.x=0&Find.y=0&search_query=sandals&ic=48_0&_refineresult=true&search_constraint=5438

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  6. I was stopped in my tracks when cutting through the little girl's shoe aisle at a not-to-be-named (red & white) store recently.
    What stopped me?
    Shoes in my 4yo daughter's size (7/8 toddler - she has tiny feet) with almost 2" wedge heels on them. Everyday wedges for your preschooler? Took all my strength to not throw them all behind the shelf so no one could reach to buy them.

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  7. I actually found this blog after an argument with my MIL over Bratz dolls. I had the same problem finding shoes for my little one's kindergarten concert. I ended up buying ballet shoes. I think you should take these descriptions and tape them up beneatht the store shoe displays.

    Momster Tales

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  8. BRILLIANT. and you think it's bad now??? I just went to my son's 8th grade graduation... I cant' BELIEVE how some parents let their daughters at this age and in HS dress....
    when did it become a hooker fest??? it's HORRIFYING...

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  9. Oh, can all cuff sandals just go away NOW? Please?! I don't care if they're worn by the skinniest, hippest Vogue intern: they're stupid.

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  10. THIS IS CLASSIC!!!

    "...so that your two-year-old can pretend to be a very tiny, but flamboyant, ancient Roman swordsman...."

    Flamboyant is so critical at this age!! :)

    Sharing this with my network, it's fantastic. Thanks!

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  11. Oh these are a child predator's DELIGHT for his victims i'm SURE!!! geezz.. Over my dead body would my child be caught in any of these!!

    @Anonymous lol hookerfest EXACTLY!

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  12. I try to be the cool friend that accepts all of my friends' choices. As long as you keep your kid safe, cared for, and generally happy (homework and chores excluded), I don't really care if you breast feed or formula feed, homeschool or public school, vaccinate or not. But I admit I draw that line at dressing your kid like a skank. I'm getting better at not actually saying to them, "seriously, are you on crack? Because your daughter looks like she's setting aside doctor for stripper." Now I just say, sorry, not for my daughters. And if I'm pressed? I'm all about honesty. Look, they have an entire adulthood where they can be whatever brand of skank they want to be. But it is my JOB to teach them values and self-confidence. Platform cork, skimpy bikinis, too-short shorts and droopy tank tops do NOT teach them how to use their brains. And we live in Florida, so this is a battle I fight from February to November. *scream*

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  13. They are completely ridiculous. Even for adults. I'm still waiting for the shame that is peep toe boots to go away too.
    Just so you know, high heeled little girls sandals started a couple years ago. I was so excited to find plain white sandals that I didn't even notice that they had a 1.5 inch heel until I got home.
    Now we just get $1 flip flops from family dollar. If they need nice looking shoes. I go get white or black ones.

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  14. I am so glad I have a boy!! I absolutely love your descriptions. And I totally don't understand this either. My 8 year old niece has been wearing what I lovingly always refer to as "hooker boots" (especially in front of my SIL, who supports her high heel, inappropriate shoe habit) since she was like 4. To make it better, she gets to wear all the Bratz doll skanky clothes to accessorize with and match her shoes. *sigh*

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  15. This makes me glad my daughter is 19, and that these shoes were not the norm when she was 10! What I can't believe is how many of my preschool students come in wearing these shoes and parents don't understand why we insist they change for playing on the playground or walking on field trips, or that these shoes are at all inappropriate for their child!

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  16. HAHAHAHA you are hilarious, and yes, I have been saying this for years. Here is ONE reason your 7-year-old NEEDS 2" heels: To practice for her high school graduation walk, up the ramp, across the stage, and down the ramp! This year my baby graduated and EVERY girl was in a teeny-tiny-too-short dress and 4-6" heels. EVERY ONE of them looked assinine crossing the stage, holy terror on their young face, wondering if Daddy was going to video-cam them wiping out in front of the student body. Wait, but THEN they would go viral on YouTube, right?

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  17. LOVE!! Honestly - why are there high-heeled shoes for children?? I guess to go with the padded bathing suit tops?

    I thought I had a hard time finding appropriate shoes for my 13-year-old who wears adults sizes, but this is, as my 13-year-old would say, "ridonculous."

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  18. I feel your pain...imagine what a hard time I had finding a pair of "appropriate" shoes for my daughters 1st Communion! And she has small feet - a size 13 (which is still in the so called toddler sizes). It's ridiculous.....

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  19. O my goodness! I am right there with ya. I have back problems and am constantly on the hunt for cute shoes in women sizes that are not a mile high its nearly impossible. Is it so bad to want cute sandals for girls (& women) that are not heels?

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  20. My 10yo daughter has big feet, as large as some of my adult friends. The horror of trying to find her appropriate shoes has been legend in our house for a couple years now. Bah. Humbug. Can't stand when parents allow their children to dress like hoo-ahs!

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  21. I cannot believe how many parents let their little girls wear sandals that look like they belong to strippers. These sandals are not only skanky they are dangerous! Jumping Jacks makes nice flexible sole sandals with no heel. I say: Bring back the flats!

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  22. That is insane! Little girls need shoes they can run and play in! Let them be little while they can, they grow up to fast as it is.

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  23. OMG. Makes me so glad to only have boys. Let little girls be little girls .... not tiny tarts! Really crazy....

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  24. We are in this boat together! My 9 year old now wears a youth 6 shoe. Understandably, she doesn't want to wear the same design that's in the toddler section. However, we've had so much trouble finding her decent, modest shoes. We looked at several of the shoes you have listed above.

    Where is the middle ground with the shoes? Why are the only two options toddler styles or too-mature styles? Most of those, I wouldn't wear myself, much less put on a child.

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  25. Ugh! These shoes are horrific! What are people thinking when buying these? Yikes. Thanks for outing this "trend" and hopefully people will give their heads a shake and come to their senses.

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  26. I'm blessed with an incredibly tall 4 year-old aspie daughter who is about to grow out of her 12.5 shoes and into this scary world. I feel your pain. The horror!

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  27. Holy crap, I can hardly wear a 2.75 inch platform sandal without killing myself - who on earth makes those/buys those for children? Don't girls run and jump and all of that too? Ridiculous.

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  28. I think what makes the most mad about this is how mothers seem to be feeding this "skank" stereotype with comments like this. Suppose a lovely, well-balanced 5-year-old sincerely LIKES shoes like this? What are we to tell them? "I'm sorry honey, mommy cannot buy those for you because you'll look like a slut".??? C'mon people.

    Girls need to grow up knowing they don't need to follow everyone else when it comes to choosing their own style. This also means that little girls should not be encouraged to make choices for fear of being labeled by adults as well.

    This article could inspire so many other comments. This one-sided, mean-spirited rant is not something to be celebrated. If you want to do the best for your little girl, love her for who she is. Even if that means supporting here when she likes outlandish footwear. Peace out.

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    Replies
    1. If my lovely, well-balanced 5 year old sincerely LIKES 2.5" heels, it's still gonna be tough cookies. Skank-ness aside (and yes, I'm sorry, they are), there is no child in the world that needs anything taller than a kitten heel, and that only for special occasions, not every day wear. Why? Because it is damaging to their feet. I completely trashed my ankles in high school because I insisted on wearing 2"+ stiletto heels on a near daily basis. I did not discover my error until I was in college and fell during a dance routine I'd been doing for years because my ankle gave out on a landing. At thirty I am now severely hampered in my ability to exercise because of the damage I did to my feet and legs as a child. I don't care how much my five year old LIKES that sort of shoe, he or she will not be wearing them, period, because it isn't my job to be his/her friend. It's my job to keep them healthy and make wise choices for them until they are mature enough to do so for themselves.

      That said, words like skank, slut, etc are not words I will be using in my child's presence either. I very much doubt that many mothers use such language to their children, because most of us remember what it felt like to be labeled that way. But amongst my adult female friends? Absolutely I will label, judge, and do my Mommy job to keep that skankeriffic crap out of my children's grubby little paws.

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  29. When my sweetie wants to buy what I believe are skank-o-licous clothing/shoes I have a simple solution. I ask the age old question "Did you bring your Money?" If she says yes we do the cost of shoes $19.95 compared to the $3.27 in her purse. Ahh well darling you know the rules... Mom buys Practical over pretty. If you want these Non practical shoes you will have to save up and buy them yourself.

    It's amazing. When it's their money they never beg for extra chores to earn the money for the blinged out or skank-o-licious shoes. They would rather have a new nintendo game or playmobile.

    We have lots of Non condemning conversations about how hard it is to find Pretty and Practical shoes. My kids have volunteered at Shoes for Orphan Souls. Which gives them a world viewpoint of 80% of the worlds children lives without even owning one pair of shoes. I know I'm soooo Mean. I only buy them sandals, boots, flip flops, sneakers, pretty running around shoes and "church" shoes... my kids are so deprived, heaven forbid I should teach my child to save up her Money and then buy what she wants. instead of credit cards and instant gratification. *sarcasm*

    So to them these are not skanky shoes but rather "Impractical" you can't run or play in them and your feet hurt after an hour. I don't think many of us tell our kids "No you can't have that it makes you look like ho." We use the word "immodest" for short boy shorts that say "Look"or "juicy" on the butt. heck My kids school has rules. All skirts that were Knee length or higher Must be "skorts" or the kid would be required to changed out of the uniform closet.


    Wake up Retail America were tired of you trying to sell us skank-o-licious crap for our kids.

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  30. I love this! And please quit putting your little girls in clothes with words across their asses. All this does is encourage people to look at their butts. And you should absolutely let your children know when something they like is inappropriate for them - you don't have to call them names, and you can support your children while guiding them down the path to decency. They are KIDS, for pity's sake, they don't get voting rights on what to wear yet.

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  31. Let's just remember the point of high heels. To make one's butt protrude at a more appealing angle for the opposite sex and lengthen the leg to appear longer- aka sexier/skinnier. Fine for an adult woman but really- making a child look sexy? I have heard of marketing people bragging about how their marketing has sold inappropriate items to children and made tons of money. Try not to be a pawn.

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  32. I LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!

    I am for telling your kid that shoes or clothing is only appropriate for people selling their bodies. My 11 year old is 5'7" tall, so we have been fighting this battle for awhile. She is a fashionista, too. Has loved fashion since before she was 2. (I suck at it and spend my life in jeans and a tank top, so don't blame me...)

    She has always loved the fashiony kind of things. But she has always loved junk food and chocolate, too. She is not in charge.
    She frequently heard "No, you may not have those shoes, high heels damage young, growing bones." "You already look older, we are not accelerating this" "Hooker/booty shorts are not appropriate." The thing is, she has heard these things for so long, she now gauges her own choices by appropriate standards.

    Why act like a prostitute if we are not. Why allow our girls to demean themselves to the point where they think that horrible attention from dress is good attention? This goes for adults too: If your body is not for sale on an hourly basis, why put all your goods out on display like they are?

    It seems silly to some, but skanky shoes are the first step to other bad choices. And the medical reasons should not be glossed over either!

    OK, shutting up and putting soap box away.'

    Keep on bringing these things to light, maybe designers will listen and moms will stop buying them!

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  33. Salt-Water sandals. They're comfy, they're stylish, they're classic, and they're not completely inappropriate! I lived in mine when I was a kid. Still make 'em.

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  34. This is a hard one for me. I hate the word "skank". Hate it. It seems to suggest that some women are less worthy of respect than others simply because of their sexual choices. And it bugs me, because it perpetuates the problem.

    I do, however, despise the sexualization of children more than just about anything. It's disgusting. Designing clothing for children that is supposed to make them look sexy is just appalling.

    That being said, my darling daughter loved bling more than anything when she was between 2 and 10. She'd gravitate toward anything with big gaudy beads, sequins, rhinestones, whatever. So I let her dress up in them.

    Heels? No way. Only at dress up time. They're damaging to the legs and back. I don't own heels.

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  35. What's even more awesome is when you have a mother-in-law who will let the 4 year old pick out a pair of those 10 types of shoes to make her happy and you have to be the jerk who won't let her wear them. That's totally awesome if you haven't yet experienced it.

    My son is 11 and the girls in his class would wear those shoes which would go with their excessive make-up, mini skirts (or Daisy Duke shorts), v-cut shirts with gem stones to accentuate their non-existent cleavage that actually exists a little bit thanks to their Victoria's Secret wonder bra, which is all accented by their hair that's salon dyed and streaked with either a neon color or better yet has some weird gold or silver crap weaved in to it, that generally matches their too long salon installed fingernails and toenails. Yeah, I couldn't make this up if I tried and THAT is not even the worst part. The worst part? The attitudes to match the clothes that my 17 year old cousin wouldn't be caught dead in. *sigh* I am SERIOUSLY considering home schooling him next year because these girls are frightening.

    My not quite 5 year old loves to go to the mall and get a mani/pedi with mommy too, but then they paint a little daisy on her NATURALLY trimmed thumbnail and big toe nail and send her on her way. After seeing the girls this year I am wondering if even that might be sending the wrong message. We used to go once a month or so in the Summer just for a fun mommy and me day, but with her starting kindergarten next year and being in a school with girls like these in the 4th-6th grade it makes me a bit nervous.

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  36. I'm so with you.... funny funny post. But they keep making ridiculously high heeled sandals - so somebody must be buying them!

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  37. you are DANGEROUSLY fucking hilarious, madam...
    I jauntily tip my hat to you!

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  38. OK, you've just made me really happy I only have boys. Sneakers and water sandals & we're done!

    (Also look out for e-mail from me about your SNSS guest post)

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  39. A little girl was rocking #2 at the playground yesterday, the exact pair. Despite my ample experience wearing heels, I highly doubt I could maneuver the jungle gym as aptly as she did. I gave her mom a super secret dirty look on the way out...she probably has no idea why (if she even noticed).

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  40. I COMPLETELY understand. I have three little girls, age 3.5, 2, and a few months. I tried to find some nice, white sandals for the 3.5 year old to wear to church. Tried several stores. Could find NOTHING that wasn't completely blinged out or had a heel. In desperation, I grabbed a pair that cost almost twice what I wanted to spend because they were the most innocuous pair, only to get home and have the hubs point out that they had an almost .5 inch heel. *Facepalm* Everything else was so much worse, I hadn't noticed. But then, I figured, SHE won't notice either, right? Wrong. First thing she said when she saw them was that they were just like momma's shoes with heels. And trying to explain "age appropriate" just wasn't happening. I think I'll have to plan further ahead next time I have to go on a shoe trek. And make sure the car is full of gas.

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  41. And here I was complaining that boys have zero selection of good shoes to choose from. Insane.

    Our local pageant mom has her daughter in these (amongst other things), and the little girl runs in her heels faster than I ever could! Let me add these are dangerous for the boys on the playground. One boy got clocked in the head with the wood wedges she had on and he had a huge knot next to his eye! I covet pretty little girl holiday clothes, but I thank God everyday that I have a boy!

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  42. These shoes come from the world that gave us Club Libby Lu, where pre-teens could get makeovers and have runway shows in belly-baring tops. And "Toddlers & Tiaras."

    This summer, after striking out at Payless, I was thrilled to find a pair of sensible, cute, sporty pink sandals for my 7-year-old daughter at Stride Rite on sale ($35). Stride Rite may not be the cheapest, but their children's shoes at least look like shoes for children!

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  43. I wouldn't buy my daughter the wedges, but I don't see what was so wrong about the fancy open toed dress sandal (after the boot/sandal pieces.

    We go to church weekly and we dress our best. I had shoes like these only for church. Rest of the week was tennis shoes for running around....same with my kid. (this coming from a complete tomboy myself)

    So I kinda "got" and "didn't get" some of the shoes up for criticism.

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  44. Yes! Yes! and a triple side of YES!!! So glad you posted this. .I COMPLETELY AGREE:)

    . .. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE SO CALLED "DANCE" MOVES THEY ARE TEACHING IN DANCE CLASSES FOR LITTLE GIRLS THESE DAYS. . i yanked my daughter out of the local dance program and enrolled her in taekwondo. . you know, because there's less PELVIC THRUSTING?

    great post:)

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  45. I'm not saying these aren't cute; I would totally wear them. But a 2.5" heel? If you do a little math (I measured a size 12 girls shoe, which would fit your average 4-6 year old) and compare that to a shoe for grownups (say, a 7.5 like me), it's like putting your kiddo in a 3-3.5" heel. How high is that? Well, it's at least as high a this one: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/jimmy-choo-india-sandal/3104548?origin=category&resultback=3662. I don't know about you guys, but that's a damn grown-up shoe to me, and definitely not something I'd expect to be able to climb playground equipment in.

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  46. My 9 year old is 5'3 115 lbs women's size 9 shoe and wears a 34 b bra. There is nothing, and I mean nothing I can buy her that isn't skanky. Sigh... The last time I shopped for her in the kids section she was 4.

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  47. And all this time I thought I was the only stick-in-the-mud who thought little girls should dress like little girls, not like miniature hookers.....I think they call them "prostetots". I sure am glad I don't have little girls to worry about now...

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  48. I love that my kids really love their crocs more and more every day.

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  49. While I agree with the fact that these shouldn't be marketed in toddler sizes, you do have to remember that their are adult women with tiny feet. My sisters all wear 4's and 5's and are in their late 20's. Should they not have the option to wear fun, sexy, trendy shoes simply because we don't like to see those styles for our daughters with larger feet? Or is it more we don't like to deal with our daughters who complain that they want to wear these shoes and you have to be a parent and explain that just because they fit does not mean its ok to wear them...

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  50. i think some of those shoes are pretty and some adults do have small feet and some of the shoes are made for small kids because people buy it for small kids i agree that their not all that sutible for little kids but thats the stuff people wanna buy

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  51. High heel flip flops are the bomb! They need to be two inches high so that us casual girls in South Florida can wade through mud puddles without getting our toes wet, look great in our sundresses and not have our jeans drag the floor as we dance. That's why flip flops needs to be two inches high!

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