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| Actual photo of me upon learning that someone made my baby cry. |
It was the second week in a row I had heard this. But this time, when we got home, the anxiety completely overwhelmed her. She crumpled to the floor and wept.
Once the anxiety takes over, it's hard to get her back. It takes hours.
On the one hand, Cookie has an anxiety disorder. She cries a lot, or at least she used to, before she started therapy and medication. We also put a 504 Plan in place at school, which gives both Cookie and her teachers tools to help her cope with her anxiety. It's not perfect, and sometimes she still freaks out. I understand.
On the other hand, she's my baby. She may be ten years old, but she's still my little girl and I go all momma bear when I think someone made her cry. My train of thought goes something like this:
What the HELL? Hasn't the teacher read the 504? Doesn't she know about the anxiety? Putting pressure on Cookie to perform perfectly totally undermines everything we're working on at home and in therapy. The kid's on three prescription psychiatric medications. Give her a break, already. Stop making my baby cry.
My first inclination is to turn the van around, go back to the school, and give the teacher a piece of my mind. I don't do this, because:
a) I've got a carload of kids who just want to go home to eat grapes and string cheese in air-conditioned happiness.
b) Something magical happens the moment I pick the kids up from school: at least one of them suddenly needs to pee like a racehorse.
c) Seeing Mommy go batshizz insane at school probably isn't going to help Cookie's anxiety.
d) I don't want to be The Crazy Lady.
The Crazy Lady is the woman who yells at cashiers for pointing out that her coupons are expired. She mumbles loudly in line at the bank about how slow the tellers are. She always, always, loses her shizz at the Department of Motor Vehicles because they will not accept the warranty from her wiper blades as a valid form of identification. The Crazy Lady expects the school cafeteria to cut her child's sandwiches into four crustless triangles.
The Crazy Lady goes into the school without appointments and yells at teachers, and sends angry e-mails without asking for the teacher's side of things.
No one likes The Crazy Lady.
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| Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure from Archie McPhee. Give her a laptop and cup of coffee, and it's pretty much me. |
I didn't storm into the school. Instead, I went home and wrote an angry e-mail. I let the e-mail stew in my computer for a few hours, and then I deleted it.
The next day, I wrote a calmer e-mail, explaining the anxiety and offering suggestions on how to help Cookie feel less anxious in class. I emphasized that we're working on teaching Cookie that it's okay to make mistakes. I didn't gloss over how seriously I take Cookie's mental health, but but hopefully I wasn't a raving lunatic, either.
Within hours, I received the most wonderful response. She clarified what had happened in class. While she apologized for a possible poor choice in words, she assured me that they were said with love.
What more can you ask for?
The angry e-mail feels good when I'm writing it. Sending it? Probably doesn't feel as good. Besides, the point isn't to make me feel good. It's to make Cookie feel good -- or at least, reasonably non-anxious in the school environment.
I know I'm exactly one stray cat away from becoming The Crazy Lady. From Day One of our public school experience, I've had to ask for special attention: because of food allergies, because one year we wanted our twins placed together, because of fine motor delay, because of anxiety, because of ADHD, because of smartypantsness, because of autism. There is always something with our family, and it probably annoys the crap out of people, especially people who have to deal with us in a professional manner and in accordance with a boatload of education laws.
I try to balance it out. I volunteer at the school whenever I can. I've been PTO secretary, homeroom mom, random helper. I hope it's harder to write me off as That Crazy Mom with All the Kids with All the Problems when I'm shelving books in the library. An added bonus, of course, is that I like being there. It's a great school and I'm glad to help. I love the teachers, and I love being around my kids.
Also, I don't send crazy e-mails, even when I'm cut to the core because my daughter is crying.
Remember: becoming The Crazy Lady is easier than you think. It's a slippery slope, people.
GREAT post.
ReplyDeleteI have a tendency to be the crazy lady when it comes to my family. I might actually have to stick this post up on the fridge as a gentle reminder to stew on things a bit before reacting like a lunatic.
Being a special ed teacher and having special ed kids makes me well aware of that line that's so easy to cross. I've dealt with the crazy mom and as much as I sympathize with them, they are hard to deal with!! I can't tell you how many times I've been yelled at.
ReplyDeleteI think you dealt with it in a positive manner. Usually teachers don't set out to make a kid cry though there are always exceptions to this rule.
I find in my current job that there are more and more anxious kids out there. Sometimes a little understanding is all that's needed.
Love the way you deal with it all.
I have the Crazy Cat Lady action figure!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate...and this was such a good window into a process that will really help me take a breath, BEFORE responding to things...
ReplyDeleteThanks, as usual, for your insights.
One of the hardest things about kids growing up is eventually they have a problem Mom can't fix with a cookie and a band-aid. I hate that. I hate it more than my own problems I can't fix. *hugs* for Cookie, and you and all the cats.
ReplyDeleteI know this post is completely rational, but I'm not sure I like it. I understand it's not a good idea to lose your sh*t at the teacher, yes. But I resent being perceived as "crazy" (and I know that's how the school sees it) for being upset with a teacher who is f-ing with my kid. When my son's teacher does something she's not supposed to do (say, set a timer while he's working, even though the IEP says he's to get extra time for work), she lies about it when kindly, gently asked by me what went down. You got the same thing here, IMO, but you interpreted it differently than I would have. Your daughter was very, very upset by something the music teacher did to her (again!), but when you asked the teacher what happened, she was "wonderful," said it was a misunderstanding, and clarified that she actually f-ed with your kid "with love." That's her perspective. I'll take the kid's side in this one.
ReplyDeleteIt all comes down to your school, administrators, and teachers. If they're smart and trustworthy and honest, I would recommend never, ever being the Crazy Lady. You'd have no need to be! But when you've heard so many lies and your child has been upset so many times, it's time to bring a tape recorder to every IEP meeting, time to take copious notes during every phone call with any school employee, and time to send a follow-up email to the school after every phone conversation.
It's not a good idea to scream and yell at them, no, but if calling these teachers on the carpet for bullying behavior makes me the Crazy Lady, so be it. I've completely lost my magical unicorn vision of caring teachers who nurture kids. My son just went through a year of hell at the hands of a nasty, lying teacher. I believed her for months and deferred to her again and again. I feel like a jerk for taking her word over my son's, because now I know--have proof--that she lied repeatedly, and my ASD son, who she accused of being "confused," was in fact telling the whole truth. So they can bite me. I AM the Crazy Lady and they created me.
Once I figured out that I was deemed the "Crazy Mommy" at my daughter's old daycare because I actually voiced that I didn't want her rocked to sleep for every nap, didn't understand why she had a new teacher in her room every day, and that I thought fish sticks and canned vegetables were not "food", among other things, I calmly backed out of the room, told them to go f*ck themselves and found a new school that thinks all of the "crazy" things I said at the last place were just how schools should be run. Now, I am "Laid-back Mommy". Yay!
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that... I've been crazy lady and I've been the calm, rational parent who tries to work with the teacher. The first one always feels better in the moment, just 'cause I've got so much anger to get rid of! The second, nicer version of me always gets better results.
ReplyDeleteI really sympathize! Every time I think I should back off, I hear a voice saying, "If you don't advocate for your child, who will?" It is such a fine line between crazy and advocating! I love to write a polite but pointed email. A couple things that I think that help: I (almost) always close said emails with, "Thanks so much for all you do!" and, I often cc the school principal. That way, you can be as polite as you want, but they know that this is something that needs to be addressed and not just ignored. Congrats on being a good example to your kids.
ReplyDeleteevery day, I pray to not be the crazy lady, but it still happens.
ReplyDeleteControl, I think, is the issue.
OMG. I'm the crazy lady. You just rocked my world!!!
ReplyDeleteTo all my fellow Crazy Ladies, let's converge on campus and kick the principal's f-ing ass!
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard not to get your B on when people make your baby cry, that's for sure! I love the idea of writing a seething email, and then let it sit for a few hours before deleting it and sending a calmer version.
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher and a mother, I have the highest respect for how you handled the situation perfectly. To those who think she should have stormed the castle and gone ape-shit on the teacher, I would like to take a poll: a) How many kids do you deal with at one time, and have you ever raised your voice when addressing all of them? b) How many of you feel that your child's perception of what happens in a classroom is 100% accurate, 100% of the time, just because it is your child? c) How many of you have ever spent 7-8 hours a day, 180 days a year with 15-30 children at a time, each with his/her own unique needs and bag-o-issues? Most parents get frustrated and raise their voices at their children every now and again. If a student reports that Mommy yelled at her for not playing nice or for forgetting to do her homework, shall we only consider the child's side of the story, yell at the parent, and call DHS? I thought not. I'd love to see some of you vindictive mothers manage a classroom sometime. I really, really would.
ReplyDeleteI would like to point out that not approving of how a teacher manages a classroom does not make someone vindictive. I gave the teacher the benefit of the doubt, I made my son doubt himself, until other parents helping in the class came to me and told me that my son was being treated unfairly and that the teacher seemed to "have it in for" my kid. A conference with the teacher and principal resulted in the principal defending the teacher 100 % and my insistence that he be moved to another classroom.
ReplyDeleteThere are wonderful teachers and there are ones that should never step foot in another classroom. It is dangerous to assume that the teacher is always right, and fair and trustworthy. Without cameras in the classroom (which I am not in favor of)no one knows what goes on.
Trust your instincts, crying, headaches, morning stomach aches, not wanting to go to school can all be huge red flags that your child is telling the truth.
I am teetering on that verrrry thin line between concerned mommy and crazy lady, and I'm pretty sure that I'm leaning dangerously close to falling off on the crazy lady side of things.
ReplyDeleteThis year included, amongst other things, my 6yo ASD child being lost within the school building (they called to see why he was absent and gave me a heart attack), the bus driver leaving him off, alone, at a bus stop 1/4 mile from home, anxiety to the point of picking his fingers bloody and chewing the cuffs off of most of his shirts, and the grand finale....the classroom bully and his friends stomping on my child's feet repeatedly so that he is now in the process of loosing both big toenails.
So yep, I'm teetering toward being the crazy lady. I'm determined to be the "Nice" Crazy Lady though. Maybe.
LOL! I was Crazy Lady at the park a few weeks ago when the Little Man was bullied by a entire family of primary school Cedar Choppers (our local hillbilly)! The Mom just sat there and watched her kids attack my child. I just wish I had a few ally cats with me at the time! Thanks for sharing. We all go ape #*&@ when it comes to the kiddos!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought about homeschooling Cookie? To take off the pressures of school?
ReplyDelete