Top Ten Things I'd Do With $319M

It looks like a group of seven New York state employees won that $319 million jackpot. Which is extra-awesome for them since New York's budget is so fouled up, they probably wouldn't have had jobs much longer.

I don't play the lottery, but it's fun to think about what you'd do with $319 million. I mean, that is a LOT of dough. Even after taxes. Even divided among seven co-workers.

You could do a lot with that. It probably wouldn't be enough to make Dora just stop it already, but still, there's potential for great things.

Obviously, I'd make sure college is covered for the kids. I would buy our way out of our lease and buy a bigger house. I would hire someone to clean said house, and also someone to take out the recycles on Sunday night because I can't seem to remember until the truck lumbers by at the crack of dawn on Monday.

What else would I do?

10. Hire a homework supervisor. Requisite skills: Infinite patience, tolerance for end-of-day fading of Adderall effectiveness, thorough understanding of long division. Actually, I would hire four such homework supervisors, because I think homework in this house would overwhelm just one tutor. Each kid would have their very own taskmaster.

9. Our elementary school would suddenly find itself with unlimited occupational therapy resources.

8. I would probably stop eating ramen noodles. Or at least eating them this often.

7. I would pay some reasearchers to stop researching the fact that girls are less likely to be appropriately diagnosed with ADHD and autism spectrum disorders, and start researching better ways to help parents, teachers, and medical professionals identify and treat those girls.

6. Likewise, I'd get some researchers on the stick about what the hell works NOW for our autistic children. I know we all want to know what the hell causes it, but my kid already *has* it. There's some great ideas out there, and there's also some really whackjob crackpot stuff too. Parents are winging it, and our kids are the guinea pigs. I feel like I get harder information from Bill Nye the Science Guy than I get from the collective "experts."

5. I would totally have an Internet connection so I could stop writing these posts from my phone. I can't say I'm missing cable all that much, though.

4. I would create an endowment to pay for psychotherapy for my children, my children's children, and so on. Because being rich won't change genetics.

3. I would buy new loaf pans. Mine are really beat and tend to rust. Annoying.

2. Three words: Lego. Shopping. Spree.

1. Laundry would quickly become a fuzzy, distant memory for me. I'm sure that somewhere, some day I would catch a whiff of rancid sweatsock, and the memory would come back, fleetingly. But then it would be gone again because I would be distracted by my perfectly-pressed and sweet-smelling children.