I know this probably sounds like a really crappy thing to say, but my kids' anxieties are wearing me the hell out. Even though they're all thrilled to be back home in Pennsylvania, they're still adjusting to new classrooms, new teachers, new routines.
There's also the added dimension of the loss of their grandfather. Although all four kids are deeply affected by my father-in-law's death, the Peanut Butter Kid has been the most emotional, crying at random times and worrying about me and the Professor. One day last week, she lost it right before we left for school. She pulled it together, but then broke down again as we got to school. It was a rough morning.
Cookie in particular has been struggling with day-to-day anxiety, so we're looking at setting up a 504 Plan at school for this. It would provide her teachers with some tools to help keep her calm and learning during the day, and give Cookie the security of knowing that everybody's on board with the plan. Even without a formal plan in place, though, her teachers have been amazingly supportive and helpful.
Regardless, I took her to school sobbing on Friday. She broke down when she realized that one side of a homework paper hadn't been done. (The horror ... the horror.)
While we're working on her issues at home, and starting back into therapy this week, the whole situation is exhausting. Something about watching my daughter suffer with the same anxieties I have struggled with just tears my heart up. It's a multi-faceted pain: as her mom, I feel the pain she feels; as a person with a history of mental illness, it dredges up my own dark times past.
I don't know that there's any remedy for this, or if there should be. I'm glad that I can help Cookie talk about anxiety by genuinely empathizing with her. And I'm not a social worker or counselor who needs to keep professional distance.
I'm her mom. By definition, I think, that means I'm going to be affected by her emotions in a multitude of ways. Sometimes it will be elating; sometimes it will wear me the heck out.
I really connect with your point about the pain of watching your children suffer in ways that you once had. We wish so much to use our knowledge of suffering to help our children avoid it. Of course this is a fruitless exercise (life is suffering and all that). But I too find it impossible not to project my fears and anxieties onto them. And worry about how I will cope when my 2 year old ASD son begins to realise he is different. I already rehearse in my head how to frame up a positve spin on his Autism in order to protect his self image. But, what I also do is remind myself of their amazing resilience, and that my job is to give them a soft place to fall. And prepare them for the fact some days life is just shit.
ReplyDeleteThat's really hard. Doesn't sound "crappy" at all, just real and true and difficult. Dealing with my son's ADD drives me around the bend in a different way than dealing with his brother's autism does.
ReplyDeleteThat's because of My ADD and how muddled it gets when you are recognizing yourself and your own issues in your kid. When they are hurting in the same way you hurt or did as a kid? Triple hard. And distance? Impossible.
Hang in there. Hopefully the adjustment period will be relatively brief and life will get rosier soon.
It's harder when it's the kids who are going through all this stuff. I know my oldest child is me, only more intense. We butt heads CONSTANTLY. He's preferred Daddy since day #1. Dad hasn't been through in life what I have, so he gets frustrated more easily than I do. The butting of heads comes from my years of been there, done that, here's my words of wisdom to help, and my son insists on doing it his way (I have no idea where he got that *whistling*). There isn't a magic manual that comes when they pull the baby out. We just have to do our best.
ReplyDeleteAnxiety is a tough one.
ReplyDelete"There isn't a magic manual that comes when they pull the baby out. We just have to do our best.."
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it any better than Amanda did!
Just like in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" :)
Have you tried meds because I had two different kids on meds at different times. My 4 YO, who was diagnosed as having Aspergers was on Prozac from 4 to 15. Many times we tried to wean him off but he wasn't ready. He came off at 15 and hasnt needed them since. I'm not always advocating drugs but until coping mechanisms are in place, you might consider it.
ReplyDeleteI also had another kid who needed them temporarily.
Just saying
You are such an amazing mom and person, I hope you don't forget that in all this. I am one of the many who finds comfort, company and a lot of laughs through the tears by reading your blog. My DD5 suffers from anxieties she shares with my husband and it alternately kills me and wears me the heck out watching them suffer together. At the same time, I treasure the wonderful sensitivity, humor and other aspects of his personality she also inherited from him. It's a crazy crazy journey, this raising kids...
ReplyDeleteYou've had so many transitions in the past few months! You move to texas, get all set up there then you move back to PA and have to go through it all over again. Your kids, as resilient as they are, are feeling that. Even if they are happy to be back here.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are taking steps for the 504. Even if she doesn't end up needing it, it's good to have it in place. We need to reschedule that coffee...
Oh, God, girl, I SO hear you! The first time I realized BRM (Baby Rain Main, now 13) was having an anxiety attack my heart threw up right inside my ribs. I honestly now believe that all the suffering *I* went through was solely so I could understand what *HE* is going through.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that has worked with him - and maybe it's because his Aspie brain is plotting all this on his life experiences graph - is every time he does have an episode, whether it be five minutes or five hours - at the end we talk about how "successfully" he "managed" his anxiety and how now he has one more example of how it SUCKS to go through it but he's on the other side now and we TRY to find any positive outcomes. The last one is the hardest but I grope for straws in the tornado.....things like "You didn't cry" or "I didn't see your hands shake ONCE" or "Did you notice that you weren't clenching your teeth?"....anything that makes him FEEL like he's getting the upper hand.
Sometimes I get that despised 13 year old eye roll but I know he's listening.
I am saying madass prayers for you, girlie, you and your flock and a package will be in the mail next week!
Hang in there; you rock! XOXOX Brenda
Never for guilty for having emotions.. you can't help the way things make you feel sometimes, you can only be responsible for the actions you take because of those emotions.
ReplyDeleteI think you rock!! I've read your blog a lot but never commented. I admire the crap out of you!!! You have a lot to deal with with your kids each one of them is unique in their issues and I think you do a bang up job with them. You are a stellar advocate, you can't ask for much more. Is there any way you can take a break and recharge? Probably not huh? Sometimes it just takes a little time off to achieve that perspective we need. Sorry to hear about your father in law, losing a loved sucks. I hope you find the strength to keep trudging along.
ReplyDeleteyou are such a great mom and i admire you. she is SO lucky to have a mom who can empathize, you've no idea :) She will be fine. Great, actually. Everybody has problems inevitably, but at least hers are being dealt with in a healthy way
ReplyDeleteI agree counseling might be helpful. I am a social worker specializing in hospice care and grief, but when my dad died I took my youngest to counseling. I always left feeling like an idiot because it never failed that when it came to my child I would miss the obvious. I think I was grieving so hard myself that I wasn't able to do anything besides cry with my son and he needed somewhere to process his grief, with someone who wasn't a bawling fool too.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. It sounds really really hard! As a person prone to anxiety and depression, I know that my kids have a good chance of going through the same thing. And seeing as how I'd throw my body in front of a truck to prevent them from feeling any pain, I'm scared of the day when I see my sons struggling with the same things. I know this sounds like a really dumb suggestion, but the iphone has some good hypnosis for anxiety apps. I know it sounds crazy, but I find them really relaxing and they don't take much time to do. Sometimes you just need to set aside 10 minutes for yourself to recharge and regroup to be there for your kids. Good luck. I feel you.
ReplyDeleteI can only offer you the alternative experience-- I inherited mental illness from my father, who left my mother (with 3 kids) when I was about four. She COULD NOT fathom me, said depression didn't exist, left me trapped in a psychiatric ward while she argued with the doctors... (They thought I was a danger to myself and would not release me without meds. She wanted to give me -at most- an herbal tincture, which contained alcohol and was not allowed on that floor. Ugh.)
ReplyDeleteFinally, (recently!) she called me up and said that she suddenly understood- apparently menopause had given her first taste of depression at last. And I cried about it for hours, because she really Didn't understand, and probably never will.
But now I have a son on the spectrum and all that horrible anxiety I suffered helps me absolutely zero in on what is upsetting him and help him cope. It's excruciating, but I am the best qualified candidate for the job...
I'm there with you ... I have bi-polar disorder, inherited it from my dad's side of the family. Our almost 17 yr old son has ADD, anxiety, severe seasonal allergies & lactose intolerance. We are SO ALIKE it scares me. Hubby & I are talking him to a psych doc tomorrow to see if he has bipolar or if his other meds just need to be adjusted. I'm really hoping he doesn't have bipolar because I know how tough it is. On the other hand, if he does have it we want to get him the right meds & tools to deal with it now instead of waiting until he's almost 40 (like me) or 65 (like my dad). Yeah, it sucks ... but somehow we have to endure.
ReplyDeleteHi I am new to your blog but let me forst off by saying
ReplyDeleteI love how RAW and Real you are, thats few and far to come by now a days and sometimes you just need it because lets face it ITS REALITY
I am a mother to a 3 and a half year old who was just diagnosed with Williams Syndrome, and I have extremely high anxiety reading your blog helps me laugh relate and blow off steam
Check out the Turnaround series to help kids with anxiety. Www.myanxiouschild.com. it's kid-friendly with fun CDs and my kid with ASD loves it!
ReplyDeleteGotta let it out, Lady. Kids are exhausting no matter what. Kids with issues that we struggle with ourselves, even more so.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great.
Katharine, how long have you been using the Turnaround program? Have you seen a difference in your child from using it?
ReplyDelete