Dear Random Concerned Stranger,
Yes. My son is getting a little big for me to carry around. I know this.
I know this because he weighs 50 pounds now and carrying him is hard work. See the sweat on my forehead?
I'm not choosing to carry my son around because I'm to poor to join a gym (although I am). This is not some new Mommy-and-Me workout program (although I think I just got a brilliant business idea).
I'm not choosing to carry my son around because I'm babying him or being permissive or because I subscribe to extended-format Attachment Parenting Theory.
I'm not choosing to carry my son because I adore how it shows off the top of his size 6 Pull-Up.
I'm not choosing to carry my son around because These New Moms Don't Know What They're Doing and in My Day Our Kids Walked to the Bathroom and Went Potty When They Were Thirteen Months Old.
I'm choosing to carry my son around sometimes because he becomes overwhelmed by certain sounds, certain people, certain smells, and certain random stuff we encounter in our everyday lives. Sometimes I can predict what's going to freak him out, but often I can't. It just happens.
When my child is overwhelmed by the world, I hug him. I pick him up because it makes him feel safe. And if we happen to be in motion at the time, then yes, I am going to carry him.
I have no idea why it bothers you, Random Concerned Stranger, if I carry my kid around. It's not like I'm asking you to carry him for me. In fact, it's not like this affects you at all.
And yet, you are compelled to comment, to advise, to correct.
He's five. He's heavy, but I can still do it. Eventually, I won't be able to do it. Obviously I won't be carrying him into high school.
But for now, I'll do it because I can, and it helps him.
Thanks for your concern. Now please mind your own business.
xoxo,
stark. raving. mad. mommy.
One word. Arsehole.
ReplyDeletePERFECT. M-Y-O-D-B.
ReplyDeleteAnd to those same folks: the reason my 8 year-old, 80 pound son still comes into the Women's room with me? Because he's too autistic to use the Men's room by himself. Your discomfort? Less important than my son's safety. Suck it up.
Oh, sore spot for me.
ReplyDeleteOne time I saw a woman on a message board bitching about seeing a 5 year old in a stroller. Thankfully a lot of people took her to task for complaining....saying "you don't know WHY that kid is in a stroller" and "why does it matter to YOU???".
My daughter is almost 3 and she is always in a stroller or a shopping cart or I carry her when we're out. Would it be easier if she'd walk? sure...I'd love that! Why doesn't she walk? Because she can't yet. People really need to mind their own business.
I had a woman yell at me one day for changing my sons diaper in my car...I politely told her that I choose to change him in my car because the worst thing he'll get is a cheerio stuck to his butt. I then politely told her that if she was so worried, she was more than welcome to take his poop covered body inside, and change him herself. Then I told her to mind her own business. Good on you SRMM!!
ReplyDeleteHey, Random Concerned Stranger.......how bout phuck you. And I say, that most affectionately.
ReplyDeletestark. raving. mad. mommy - You're an amazing mom.
Here here!
ReplyDelete(I'd like some of those cards please).
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAh, random concerned strangers. Gotta detest them.
ReplyDeleteOnce, I was in the supermarket parking lot, and there were no shopping carts near me. It was a gorgeous, early Fall day, so I rolled the windows down two inches, pointed to the nearest cart, and told my 4 and 2 year old kids that I was going "right over there" to get the cart and I would come right back. I locked the car, and they were both in their "you need a degree in engineering to undo the buckles" car seats.
I walk to the nearest cart, glancing over my shoulder every two seconds. On my way back, I see a woman in a white velour track suit and massive sunglasses who was walking towards the store, store, stop at my car, and look inside. When I got closer she looked up at me.
The things in quotes are what was actually said. The things in parenthesis are what I wanted to say, but passed on.
"Are these your kids?"
"Yes."
"Are you CRAZY?!"
"Excuse me?"
"You left your kids alone in the car!"
"Yyyyyeah. Normally the maid would do it, but it's her day off."
"Well, there's no need to get defensive. I'm not judging you. (Actually, Bitch, that's exactly what you're doing.) I mean, I'm a mother, too, (Not of a preschooler and a toddler you aren't. Not in white velour.)but do you have any idea how dangerous it is? (To be less than twenty feet away from them where they are visible to me the whole time? They're in more danger when they're in the living room and I'm on the bathroom.)
Then she walked away muttering in a shocked voice. I muttered "Bitch", got my giggling, safe kids out, and we went shopping.
I really, really was hoping that I'd see her in the supermarket. I wanted to buy beer, and point to the kids and whisper "It's for them!".
Wow. Thank you for writing this. I actually had no idea that there were people out there who'd be judgmental about a parent carrying an older child. Do they stare or comment when dad is doing the carrying? (Maybe they're just impressed by your strength? I know I'd give you a quick, awed second glance.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just clueless because I was frequently the carried kid. I used to be panicky about a lot of quirky things. My parents learned about my fear of stairs and heights the hard way: they took a 10yr old, 6yr old, and a 2yr old on a cave tour (no exits) and right at the beginning, we walked into a landing with 1000 stairs at the top of the "Cathedral Room." The tour guide proudly announced that it was as high as the tip to base of the Statue of Liberty. Unfortunately, my father didn't get a chance to admire the view because his 98lb 10yr old promptly freaked the !#@$ out. He spent the next 2 miles lugging me around & promising I wouldn't die. (Turns out I was also claustrophobic, so it didn't get better when we got to the safe tunnels at the bottom.)
I didn't have Asperger's, but they didn't really have a word back then for "phobic of damn near everything." The good news is that after a few years of therapy & meds, I totally turned out fine. (*twitch*) And my parents both boast really great biceps, though they do refuse to go with me to any National Landmarks.
Stay strong, Mama!
You go Mama!!! Love that boy with all you've got and that stranger will someday get what is coming to them. Maybe not today or tomorrow...but one day. And if not - their life is the one missing something.
ReplyDeleteOur kids' comfort and emotional well being is way more important than some nosy, judgmental Dumb-hole's opinion. My son has major problems communicating with direct eye contact, so when he wants to tell me something important, I will sit/stand back to back with him, so he can hold a conversation without the added input of my facial expressions. Not all the time, but sometimes when there are other stimuli that he can't handle (fluorescent lights, grocery store smells, etc.), he can's get his thoughts out otherwise. I firmly believe that the only way he is going to be able to function later in life is if I give the comfort and help he needs now; and if that means I get some funky looks or weird comments, then so be it.
ReplyDeleteThe sheer assitude of random strangers never ceases to amaze me.
ReplyDeleteMy Aspie kid has always been big for his age. When he was one year old, he looked two. He didn't walk until he was 15 months old, so prior to that, I never put shoes on him. Socks if it was cold, yes, but not shoes (hello, shoes are expensive, he was one year old, NOT WALKING, and he'd outgrow them in two seconds anyway). You would not believe how many random old biddies stopped me in the grocery store or mall or wherever to tell me I should put shoes on my kid. Gah!
Because he was so big for his age, I wasn't able to carry him for long after he started walking. So we developed this odd joined-at-the-hip shuffle for when he was overstimulated and I had to get him out of the situation in a hurry. His ear (with his hand over it) would be pressed tightly into my side, his other ear (with his other hand over it) would be covered by my hand, and my other hand was used visor-style to shield his eyes as we scuttled along. He's six feet tall now at nearly 15 years old, and the hardest thing for me as he's gotten older has been figuring out the physical part of parenting now that he's so much bigger than me!
People flat out SUCK!!! I have a 5 year old CP kid and people often comment how easy she has it when I am carrying her. My comment to them: "Sure, if having CP is easy then yes her life is easy. I carry her because she can't walk not because she is lazy." and I simply walk away from them leaving them speechless. My attitude if you want to be a total Ass hat I will top it and leave you red faced all day. Now don't F@ck with my kid. :)
ReplyDeleteJust when I think I am the only one in the world, you post the perfect blog. Thank you so much! I have a 7 year old daughter that sometimes needs carried, still sits in the cart, and my lap. And if she still needs that when she's 47, I will be right there for her :)
ReplyDeleteIt constantly amazes me the comments people make. Like, "He needs to learn how to greet people. He is too big to ride in a cart." You know, because they spend every moment with my kids. And when I tell them his deal, they stammer and apologize because they realize they've been an asshole.
ReplyDeleteUGH. you were nice. I woulda given them the hairy eyeball and told them to eff off.
My ASD son was having a meltdown at the pool last summer. He couldn't find the napkins on the shelf right in front of him, where they keep the straws, plastic forks/spoons, and napkins. He was screaming, "THERE AREN'T ANY NAPKINS HERE!" Everyone was starting at us. Since pointing doesn't work for him (that issue with "joint attention"), I stood behind him, took the back of his head in my hands and slowly turned his face toward the napkins so he could see where they were (and hopefully remember for next time). Some jerk standing 15 yards away yelled out, "You put your hands around that boy's neck again and I'm calling CPS." I first waved him off and said, "I didn't put my hands around his neck..." But he yelled back, "Yes you did. I saw you [even though I'm nowhere near you and in no way can I see what's going on over there}." I then said, "Oh, mind your own business." But I was really shook up. I was not choking my child in front of 50 staring strangers, thankyouverymuch. I was trying to help him see what he was looking for. He was screaming because he was having a meltdown over the napkins, not because I put my hands on the back of his head to help direct his gaze. As soon as he saw the napkins, he stopped screaming. Duh. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life. Made me want to stay home forever and just cry.
ReplyDeleteRefrigerator mothers, unite! You should have seen the local yokels here when my baby huey was 12 months and still nursing. I'm surprised they didn't call CYS and claim sexual abuse.
ReplyDeleteBottom line, people judge because they are ignorant. We can all rest easy knowing we are the "enlightened ones." :-)
AWESOME!!!
ReplyDeleteOverall, I hate people. Your story is exactly why. In what world does someone think they are so knowledgeable that one glance in public can allow them to ascertain the entirety of your situation? Did the thought NEVER cross their mind that just maybe they may not understand the whole situation and they should therefore shut their pie hole?
ReplyDeleteI applaud your grace and patience with mankind. I don't think on the whole we deserve it however...
Oh wow...your blog post reminds me of the time that my then not-quite-one-year-old son was sitting in the child seat in the shopping cart, and my husband was pushing the cart. My son loved his bottle, and yes, he knew how to drink from a sippy cup, but his bottle was like his "safety lovey." He didn't like crowds, so this kept him calm. Another thing: he was very tall for his age; at 10 months, he ranked in the 95th percentile for height.
ReplyDeleteWell, an over-bearing woman..you know the type...felt the need to say to my husband, in a very sarcastic voice, "he's a little too old for a bottle, isn't he?" My husband, being the shy type, didn't know what to say. So, he just went on his way and then told me about it when he got home.
I wanted to go back to that store and track down that ninny and give her a piece of my mind. But, hubs wouldn't let me! ;)
Seriously. That random stranger needs to STFU. For reals.
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing this up. I get that too, my 3 year old with (mild) CP is always on my hip. Not because I am TRYING to rip my own arm out of the socket- because she gets very fatigued, very quickly.
ReplyDeleteFrom a Mama who completely *gets* it, entering my thunderous {applause}!
ReplyDeleteBravo! I get those same comments when someone sees my almost 3 year old sucking on a pacifier. Mind you, the only places she gets that are the hospital, doctors offices, or in bed. There is always one snarky person who comments. I don't feel it necessary to explain she has spent 6 months of her life in a hospital and will likely spend more time there and the only thing that calms her down is a pacifier. In my mind though, I am poking the woman with lots of needles and telling her not to seek comfort. We all need something to comfort us, whether it is a pacifier or mommy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you've seen these but I thought you might enjoy them. :o)
ReplyDeletehttp://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/115335/lesson_ten_you_shouldnt_even
Random Concerned Stranger = Asshat
ReplyDeleteI remember trying to calm my newly adopted child who was suffering from double phumnonia and a sinus infection. She was home only 14 days and was refusing to switch to EST. She was a 23 month old baby that looked about 10 months old. She was used to being cupped firmly on her hip instead of being rocked. Make your hand a cup shape and firmly pat the babies hip. It always calmed her She was totally freaked out in a waiting room full to capacity and she knew what was coming next. Being strapped in a metal cage so they could take x-rays of her lungs. And Mama was not allowed into the room because I might be pregnant??? Yeah right... like that is gonna happen...
ReplyDeleteOk boggled eyed people *IF YOU STOP STARING AT MY BABY SHE WILL CALM DOWN!* And I'm not hurting her! rocking will make her freak out even more!
@ Christina those cards are so funny! ROFL I so wish I had one that said
If you think my adopted child looks like me. YOU NEED to make an appointment with your eye Doctor IMMEDIATELY!!!
"When my child is overwhelmed by the world, I hug him. I pick him up because it makes him feel safe. And if we happen to be in motion at the time, then yes, I am going to carry him."
ReplyDeleteThis statement that you make here is best example of what it really means to be a good mom, and should be at the forefront of our minds as we try to do right by our kids. Thank you for a wonderful post, and I'm sorry you had to deal with judgey mcjudgerson. Thanks to those who have commented as well, it was nice to read your stories, and I wish you all continued strength and grace as you continue your mom journeys! :-)
I can so relate to this post!
ReplyDeleteMy older son has autism. Sometimes he rides in a stroller while my three year old walks. Random Concered Strangers have been known to chime in on that.
He in the stroller for a variety of reason. He feels more comfortable in there when walking in crowded places. He has low tone and tires quickly, and on top of everything else he has been known to wander or run off. When he is in a stroller that is one less thing I have to worry about.
My three year old on the other hand, is very sturdy and loves to walk. But why should I have to justify myself to random people on the street?
You go Momma!!!! What a freaking idiot! I have a 6 year old daughter, who loves to be carried and held like a baby! And I do it often!! What a bunch of bs from this idiotic person!
ReplyDeleteDelurking to say WTF Random Stranger? My son is 8 and not on the spectrum, but there are times when he hurts himself or feels overwhelmed and I will hug him or put him on my lap to make him feel better. He's still a child and all kids need comforting sometimes. Damn people irritate me so often.
ReplyDeletePersonally I think/hope there is a special spot in the hot place for RCS. There are too many people in this world who apparently missed the "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" lesson as children.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes carry my 5.5 year old son too, because the world is just a bit too much at times. And he occasionally takes a nuk and a blanket into stores, and sits in the cart, when he's having a rough day and I don't have any choice but to take him out. And have heard enough "helpful" comments from RCS to last me a lifetime. UGH!!
I think your holding your son and obviously loving and caring for him the way you do -- especially when the world can be and is overwhelming -- is simply, beautiful. People who can't see that need to be corrected and advised to get a grip and mind their own bees-wax. You hit the nail on the head with your sentiment "bite me!"
ReplyDeleteIt's a sad, sad world when caring parents can't even take care of their own children without dumba$$ strangers butting in. :(
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work SRMM.
I do the exact same thing with my 56 lb 5 yr old who has Autism. And his 49 lb 7 yr old who also has Autism. I have gotten two snide comments this week alone, so I totally feel your pain. Great post!
ReplyDeleteNicely put. I would change my answer slightly, to "I am carrying my almost three year old because she is paraplegic". OTHER PEOPLE are one of my pet peeves because they can be so ignorant.
ReplyDeleteSo unreal!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter doesn't have any sensory things, but I remember carrying her in to the Urgent Care because she was unusually lethargic and could barely walk. Her lips were bluish! The lovely nurse told me she was too big to be carried. I told her she was my kid and I'd do what I wanted, she didn't have to carry her. She didn't like me much afterwards....
Also, my daughter had a very large, very deep purple hemangioma on her forehead. EVERYONE who met her exclaimed "what happened?" like it was so ugly. Later, when she was old enough, her bangs covered it. A woman was fawning over her telling her how beautiful she was. My daughter thought she was a freak show because of everyone's comments her whole life and held up her bangs to the woman to show her she wasn't beautiful at all, to show her her ugliness (all this in her mind at the time, she is very beautiful). All this to say, I don't care if I see some kid with his mom with a bone sticking out of his arm I am going to keep my dang mouth shut!
Now my daughter is 10, the birthmark is faded a little, but she is confident in who she is and even wears her hair back for games. I am glad she overcame what big mouths unknowingly tried to do.
You just keep getting awesome-r! Good for you for posting this and I bet you have some seriously rad biceps!
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago, I was in the office of an alternative medicine doctor trying to get help for my autistic son. He was having a very bad day, and was pulling vitamins off a shelf and yelling. Why this office would have things like that out in the open is beyond me. This stupid bi*tch had the nerve to ask me if I could control my child, she could not hear herself think. I explained to her my son has autism. She had the gall to say it did not matter. I asked her if she even knew what autism was, which she did not answer. I told her I was sure it was hard for her to think since she is so ignorant. Then I told her to take her fat ass and her big mouth and leave!
ReplyDeleteGood for you SRMM. These stories are so pathetic. Random concerned strangers are the bane of every mother's life. A cache of little cards saying "my child has autism, what's your problem?" might be the ticket.
ReplyDelete~physicsmom
You have NO idea how much I needed to hear this tonight!! THANK YOU!!
ReplyDeleteBarbara Bader
#900 here. Totally a new fan here! I cant read through yours fast enough. Glad to join in the fun. I appreciate your opinions and points of view. This is the kinda stuff that makes the world go round!
ReplyDeleteTears are streaming down my face. Why does the world judge us for how we love our children? Why is a hug or a hold seen as contempt for how we parent? Why can't our children just be themselves? Thank you, though, for the reminder, that I can just love my little boy (also almost 5) in a way he needs because he needs it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure many people who follow your blog have read the book , by Marie Killilea. It describes several scenes in which the author and her family are approached by strangers who try to tell them what they are doing wrong, or to make judgments about their daughter, who has CP. Although the initial response by the family was anger, it drove them to work toward educating people about their daughter's condition, and to try to eliminate the ignorance that brought about those comments or judgments. I like to hope that, as we learn more about Asperger's, autism, SPD, and other issues that parents and childen are faced with, we will overcome the ignorance that can be so irritating or hurtful. Of course, there will always be people who stick their noses into your business. But I embrace the fact that a broadcast network, primetime TV show has a major storyline about a family living with their son's Asperger's diagnosis, without making it a punch line or a freak show situation. I think we're learning, a little...
ReplyDeleteSorry, the title of that book would be: Karen, by Marie Killilea.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you all to know that occasionally mixed in with the "RCS" is the "RNCS" (Random Not Concerned Stranger). If the people I am with start making comments, I will pipe in with "I think the kid has (insert word)." Even if annoyed, I get it and I still have your back.
ReplyDeletesigned,
Random Not Concerned Stranger
When Caty was Little Dude's age, she still had her choochie (paci) and diapers. People need to get over themselves.
ReplyDeleteGo girl!!
ReplyDeleteDon't you just love people...not!
ReplyDeleteThis look is all so familiar with my 5 year old son. Abso..butt.f'in..lootly I DO NOT LET HIM in the men's restroom alone, so if it's just him and me, we use the ladies.... oh the looks each and everytime.
Also My little guy still uses a highchair,(We after years of conditioning proper eat out behavour, can now spend about 20 mins in a restaurant IF he wants too:-)) because we need him to stay focused when he eats and confined because of his adhd.
THE LOOKS we get at a restaurant with a 5 year old in a high chair...LOL Repeatdly staff asks are you sure you don't want a booster _NO!
I told the last waitress who wanted to "TAKE" the highchair from us DURING OUR MEAL to let another family "USE IT"
Absolutely, if you want to come back and hold on your lap my autistic son who will not sit still in this restaurant in a adult chair. By all means you can have it and make this transition.. (with a huge smile)"
She opted out...
I LOVE MY CHILDREN and the issue of having a special needs child is hard, but the hardest part a lot of the time is society (grown adults).
Maybe the world needs to start NON-ASD social skills groups! I think I could make a list of people who should attend! Typical Children and adults!
I went to a neighborhood coffee once for moms with kids with special needs. When I voiced frustration over my daughter screaming at me, the hostess commented, "I'd nip that in the bud." I felt even more alone after the meeting.
ReplyDeleteTurns out her daughter had dyslexia, another mom's son was having trouble reading, a third had a son w/ADD. My daughter had a stroke in utero; she suffers from Epilepsy, anxiety, mood disorders and ADD. Pretty sad when other "special need" parents are judgmental. Their kids' "special needs" would be a good day for my daughter.
Well said, SRMM! :-)
ReplyDeleteThe first lesson of being a mom? Don't judge.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest son is now 16. Last summer he was in a bad bicycle accident. I was afraid he may have broken something (turns out only his toe). I scooped him up off the pavement and carried him to my van. Yes, I got strange looks from onlookers and he himself. But as a mother, we do what we want/need/have to for the best for our children.
ReplyDeleteI have full faith that if Lil Dude needed you, you'd find the strength to pick him up, even as a high schooler.
When my son was about a year old he was in a stroller and we were waiting for the traffic light to change to cross the street. The front wheels of the stroller were in the gutter portion of the street. NosyB**ch stranger goes "Did you hear about the baby that was run over because their stroller was in the street"? My response totally skipped my mind and shot out of my mouth: "Did you hear about the woman who blew up because she couldn't mind her own business?"
ReplyDeleteMy beautiful 17 yr old daughter still holds my hand, sits on my lap, and hides behind me when she is very stressed...and being in any store tends to do that to her. Some crazy random noticed my daughter hiding behind me and clinging to my shirt while I talked to a salesperson...and the crazy random said to my child, "You are too old to be hanging on your mama like that."
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going to lose my mind. I decided not to say anything because that would have stressed my daughter more...but since my baby couldn't see my hands, I did flip the lady off (not mature, I know).
But where do these people get the nerve?!
I know I'm super late in responding, but I just had to. I so agree with you! My youngest son is 2 and a half and it bothers me when people try to advise that he's too big and too old (really?) to be carrying around. He's a big 42 pound 2 year old, but he's still only 2. And although he looks like he's 4 (and if he chooses, I'll still carry him at four), he's only 2 and it's my business if I want to carry him around. My son doesn't have Aspberger's, however like you, I carry him to make him feel safe, especially when I know that's why he wants to be carried. People have even gone as far to say that carrying him will somehow damage him as he gets older. Well, I carried my oldest until he was 4 or 5. He is now 15, a straight A student at the most pretigious high school in my city, is very popular, a lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist in a band, made films that have been entered into film festivals and wants to be a psychologist. I don't think he's "damaged" at all. So, I'll shout with you...mind your own business.
ReplyDelete