Monday, December 13, 2010

Douchetopia: The Top Ten Douches of 2010

So many douches in 2010! We wish we could honor them all. But, alas, we only have space here for ten.  One thing I'm proud of with this list is that it proves that douchiness knows no boundaries in terms of gender or ethnicity.  We're all about equal opportunity for douchebags.

Mom-in-a-Million and I asked for your nominations, and then your votes to help us determine the Top Ten Douches of 2010. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you, your 2010 Top Ten Douches.

10. Kate Gosselin. Between the Dancing with the Stars debacle, and the upcoming Camping Crossover with Sarah Palin on TLC, Kate Gosselin has had a very busy year indeed. Interestingly, Kate and Jon Gosselin were neck-and-neck at one point in the polling, and I really thought Kate might win out. After all, Jon Gosselin appears to be fading into the Ed Hardy-patterned woodwork, while Kate is famewhoring her kids at every. possible. opportunity. SRMM

9. Kody Brown: Oh, Kody. The polygamist everybody loves to hate Kody rose to fame when he and his three wives, one fiancĂ©e and eleventy-bazillion children debuted on TLC. His main defects are his hair, which is a cross between a Muppet and a midlife crisis, his two-seater Lexus that he drives around while his wives' cars have duct tape on the windows and, oh yeah, THE FACT THAT HE THINGKS HE’S SO SPECIAL THAT HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BOINK AS MANY WOMEN AS HE WANTS. Kody is not only married to more than one woman, he’s insensitive to more than one woman, leaving them to wallow in their jealousy and depression while he cavorts with whichever wife strikes his fancy that day. We strongly suspect that Kody’s douche-ness leaves a trail of vinegar scented vapor following him from room to room in his polygamist compound. MIAM

8. Kanye West. Kanye West had several douchetastic moments in 2010, including a a bizarre mini-feud with Matt Lauer of the Today. For me, the pinnacle of his douchiness was replacing most of his bottom teeth with diamonds. He also just couldn't seem to shut up about stealing Taylor Swift's spotlight at the 2009 VMA awards. He finally issued an apology in November of this year, but also complained that Swift never came to his defense in any interviews. Whuck? She was supposed to defend him for being a douche? SRMM

7. Jesse James: Jesse James had it all. He had a tv show. He has gorgeous kids and his legal battles with their mother appeared to be at an end. He had Sandra Bullock and they were adopting a beautiful baby together. So what’s the next logical step? Do the nasty with a tattoo model, duh. Jesse’s little extra-curricular romping with his skankalicious flame brought out in sharp relief what a class act America’s Sweetheart is. Sandra took her infant son and quietly divorced Jesse without a word to the press. Jesse, I suppose, has his ink to keep him warm because he sure doesn’t have Sandra Bullock or any of her fans showing him the love. MIAM

6. Jon Gosselin. The fact that his wardrobe seems to be consist exclusively of Ed Hardy shirts speaks volumes. Say what you will about Kate Gosselin dragging her family through the limelight, but this guy let it happen. And there's no denying that he seemed to enjoy the hair plugs and personal trainer he acquired as part of Jon and Kate + 8. In 2010 he enjoyed a string of different (young) girlfriends, including the 22-year-old daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon, a 25-year-old snowboarder, and most recently a 24-year-old who refers to herself a "stepmom" to the eight children. However, Jon Gosselin seems to be closing the year out on a positive note: he finally has a real job. So this honor may be more of a Douche Emeritus position after years of douching it up on reality TV. SRMM

5. Tiger Woods: Tiger got to start 2010 in rehab for Doucheness. After the cascade of events that closed out 2009 for le Tigre, starting with rear-ending his own tree and ending with sexts that made the whole act of sexting seem gag-worthy, Tiger had nowhere to go but therapy. In the spring he held a press conference to try and apologize but it appeared that he hired an animatronic version of himself to stand there and recite the tritest apology ever. America didn’t buy it and neither did his wife who took the Sandra Bullock route and divorced him without ever granting an interview about it. MIAM

4. Mel Gibson. When I first lived in South Philly, there was a guy on my block who walked around in his jammies with a stuffed cat in his arms. I was told that he collected Social Security Disability Insurance "gets the crazy check." 2010 was the year that Mel Gibson slipped from "collecting the crazy check" to "I can't believe no one has had him committed yet." Let's face it. We already knew that Mel Gibson was a racist and an anti-Semite. 2010 brought us the knowledge that he is a raging (and we do mean raging) misogynist. His girlfriend and babymama Oksana Grigorieva recorded Gibson ranting at her, using horrifying phrases like "you look like a pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of ... it will be your fault." He also threatened her with "I'm going to burn the f---ing house down, but you will [perform oral sex on me] first". Personally, I can't wait for this guy to do jail time. Because he's so pretty friendly, I bet he'll make some really nice friends in jail that will help with his anger issues. SRMM

3. Sarah Palin: After her exit from the world of politics when she quit being governor of Alaska, Mrs. Palin found herself with lots of free time to explore the many avenues of douchity available to a moderately attractive woman with a Fox News contract and a ghost writer. Whereas other ex-politicos hit K Street to wield real influence in policy arenas, our girl Sarah took another route: the route that leads to putting her kids on reality tv for their high-school classmates to watch and mock on Facebook. Because we all know that teenagers are soooooo reasonable and not likely to abuse their classmates for appearing on a tv show where their mom trots their purported family values around like a rotting caribou carcass. Poor Willow Palin took some heat from her classmates and then took heat from the whole damn blogoshere when her angry reaction made news. A good mother would have come to her senses right about then and told TLC to pull the plug. Sarah did nothing of the sort. Her fame-whoring continues, unabated by concern for her kids. MIAM

2. Clint McCance. Clint McCance was the Vice-President of Midland School District in Pleasant Plains, Arkansas when he posted an anti-gay tirade on Facebook because his school district was planning activities to support anti-bullying efforts after a rash of teen suicides. McCance stated that he wanted gay people to commit suicide, and said he enjoyed "the fact that [gay people] give each other AIDS and die." When a friend commented that it was un-Christian to speak so hatefully about other people's families, McCance responded, "I would disown my kids if they were gay. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid Christian beliefs."

Before resigning, McCance apologized and said that he "would never support suicide for any kids," and that he doesn't "support bullying of any kind." Huh? In the words of George Takei, "Mr. McCance, you are a douchebag." SRMM

1. Jennifer Petkov: Jennifer Petkov is no ordinary vinegar-and-water douche; this woman is pure battery acid and standing too close to her will burn your skin. For reasons that defy understanding, she began a reign of terror against her dying neighbor that included saying things like "I can't wait until you die". Her neighbor, that is, who is 7 years old and dying of Huntington’s disease, which also took her mother last year. Jennifer Petkov is an adult with children of her own and yet she tormented a dying child because of some stupid incident involving a delayed response to a text message. Petkov is now in jail on assault charges and has lost custody of her own children but even that doesn’t touch which I would like to see happen to this sub-human creature. She should have to see Kody Brown naked. She should have to get ink from Jesse James’ skank. He should have to talk economic policy with Sarah Palin. She should have to mediate terms of Jon and Kate’s divorce. She should have all future texts answered by Tiger. She should have to go to a school governed by Clint McCance. She should have to hang out with Mel Gibson when he’s had a few. She should have to go to Kanye’s dentist. And even punishment by douche won’t redeem Jennifer Petkov. And that is why she is the Biggest Douche of 2010. MIAM


Congratulations, Jennifer Petkov!
You're 2010's Biggest Douche. 
See you on Jerry Springer and/or in Hell.

Thanks for all your nominations and votes!  Special thanks to Amy from PregnantChicken.com for the stunning Douche Trophy graphic.  Have you seen Amy's latest post?  It's full of douchetastic pregnancy portraits.

19 comments:

  1. Wow. And THAT, my children, is what walks around free in the world today, and the reason why I will never ever ever allow you outside the house again. Sorry about that.

    Good job, ladies! We should have douchetopia EVERY MONTH! ;)

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  2. I was quite disappointed in Cate's #10 placement; I thought she was worthy of much higher up the scumbag ladder. That is, until I read your list. Nothing to add; nothing to detract. Except, perhaps, the religious scumbags who picket soldiers and Elizabeth Edwards funeral... they may deserve a place but certainly can't take anyone out!

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  3. Kathy -- Yeah, personally I think Kate is a bigger douchebag than Jon at this point. As for those d-bags who protest at soldiers' funerals and Elizabeth Edwards' funeral -- we kept them off our voting list specifically to avoid giving them any further press. It just feeds into what they want.

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  4. Totally accurate and awesome. And these are our 'celebrities'? I will never understand why Moms aren't the people we make rich and famous on TV. And I mean REAL Moms. The ones who made the Christmas program at church work flawlessly. The Moms who made umpteen gaziillion cookies and cupcakes for the bake sale. The Moms who made 20 pilgrim and Indian costumes for the Thanksgiving play. It just makes me sick that the douches get so much more attention than the real heroes.

    Huh. Looks like this might be my soap box for the day, huh? Anyway, I think we should send a case of Massengil to each and every one of these 'winners'. ;)

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  5. Hahahaha! (choke) Just so you know, I have to laugh at all the douchetasticness so I don't cry that such douche-y people exist and actually are famous in our society. (laughs maniacally)

    Fabulous list. Love the commentary. This rocks!

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  6. There's a running theme here: TLC. Remember when it really was The Learning Channel? Me neither. It should change it's name to "The Douchebag Factory", because it seems to just churn them out. Which begs the question: Does TLC create douchebags or do douchebags gravitate to TLC?

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  7. The term "vinegar scented vapor" will be officially added to my repertoire. Effing brilliant.

    Well done, Ladies. Well done indeed!!

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  8. Awesome. Any way it was voted it still would have turned out well, since they are all douche tastic. But she takes the cake, for sure.

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  9. awesome list!! what's so sad is that all the biggest douchebags in america will end up with (or already have) their own TV shows and america worships them!!! UGH!! maybe TLC should make the list too!! lol

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  10. Shelly, I so agree about the TLC thing! What are we supposedly "learning" here...how to become a douche or how to make sure our children end up in a Lindsey Lohan type rehab program?? That is what is so sad about the whole thing is that these "parents" are just dragging these children through the slops and not looking at who they will grow into because of being thrust into the spot light... sad face...

    Good post ladies! Keep up the great work!

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  11. great list, but I would've added Michael Vick to it. Anyone who can torture and murder dogs is a sick, horrendous sociopath. Then, on top of that, he is glorified every week by the media because he can play football. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hold hatred in my heart for him or wish him harm. I do believe he is a disturbed person who is not sorry for what he did. He is only sorry he was caught.

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  12. @gina -- Michael Vick's trial was in 2007, though.

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  13. I had blocked Jennifer Petkov out of my memory, but she is by far the winner. Actually, I think she and Clint McCance should be set up on a blind date. They are made for each other. There is a honeymoon suite in hell waiting for those two.

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  14. Fantastic! I'm in awe of your accuracy!

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  15. SOOOOO loving the list!

    belly laughs and anger that these wackos are household names (except Jennifer Petkov, i never heard of her, but she certainly deserves her award!!!)

    keep on rockin the in the free world

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  16. I hadn't ever heard of that stupid bitch until now. I googled her and am so glad she won. I can't not believe someone is that much of a bitch. "Her brutal honesty" wtf?

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  17. Pleaseeee keep in mind that McCance is a poor representation of the majority of people from Arkansas, otherwise, the list is perfect.

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  18. Hmmm ok guess I shoulda read the paper more last year(I tend to honestly avoid the news bc most of the stuff is just repeats of stupid) apparently I have to read a blog I randomly stumbled on (which I LOVE by the way) from a person in another state to know about something that happened in the next town (runner up in the contest). Nah I think I'll continue to skip the news...I learn all I need to know about the world outside by reading my FB newsfeed ;)

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