Ten Halloween Costumes I Hate

I know.  I have become all crotchety and grumpity and stabbity, like Andy Rooney jacked up on way too much coffee.  But y'all?  The Halloween craziness is just. too. much.

During my lifetime, Halloween has gone from bed sheet ghosts and cardboard box robots to this:
 

Kids' "Mac Daddy Pimp" Costume. Really.  No, really.  I swear.

Oh, yes.  That is a pimp costume.  For a boy.  Sizing starts at size 6.  The saddest part is that this is not limited to a single costume sold by one sketchy online Halloween store.  These kids' pimp costumes are everywhere, available with cheetah trim or zebra trim.  Pro tip: when shopping for a costume for your six-year-old son, be aware that the pimp cane and pimp hat are always sold separately.
Obviously, if your son is rocking the pimp costume, you'll want your precious little princess to be parading through the neighborhood in something like this:

Girl's "Saloon Girl" Costume.  (Wait, isn't that the same thing as a hooker?)

Wait, was that one too subtle?  How about this instead?

Child's "French Maid" Costume.  From the Vladimir Nabokov collection.

Awesome.  And while the kids are dressing inappropriately as grown-ups, the moms can dress inappropriately as kids:

"Sassy Cookie Monster Costume." Oh, Sesame Street.  First Katy Perry and now this?  Is nothing sacred?  Anyway, I *totally* was going to get this until I realized the thigh-highs would dig into my leg fat the cookie is not included.

And of course, a little something for the dads:

"Where's Waldo?" Costume.  There's actually nothing inappropriate about this costume. So why is it still freaking me out?

Of course, a review of disturbing Halloween costumes would be nothing without the international human trafficking conglomerate toy shillers known as Bratz:

"Bratz Cowgirlz Costume." There are so many reasons I hate Bratz. This is just one of them.

Girls' "Bratz Bratty Doctor" Costume.  What. The. Hell. She looks like she can prescribe her own roofie. 

Girl's "Bratz Fashion Emergency Bratty Nurse" Costume.  Another Career Day winner.  Assuming Career Day features standard fetishes.



Girls' "Bratz Bratty Red Riding Hood" Costume.  Bratz has several "Storybook Sweethearts" costumes to choose from: Bratty Bo-Peep, Bratty Miss Muffet, and Bratty Goldilocks are also available.  And yes, they *all* look like they have some corners to work on the way to Grandma's house.

Girls' "Bratz Major Flirt" Costume.  Speaking as a former member of the United States Army, this costume makes me want to kick the CEO of MGA Entertainment in the junk.