Polygamy is hot, hot, hot in Hollywood these days. Between Big Love and Sister Wives, the online world is all a-Twitter with questions about polygamy: is it legal, is it immoral, is it abusive, and most pressingly, is it 1986, because their hairstyles are all kinds of retro.
Lots of people are all hot and bothered over the topic, so I figured I'd check into it. Big Love is an HBO show with Bill Paxton attempting to satisfy the various needs of Jeanne Tripplehorn, Ginnifer Goodwin, and a really cranky Chloë Sevigny. Sister Wives is a TLC reality show, if by "reality" you mean "let's all grit our teeth and grin for the cameras while we desperately try to persuade everyone we're totally happy and well-adjusted." I'm not blaming that on the polygamy. I'm sure if someone trained a camera on me all day, I'd be forcing my family to act weirdly happy, too.
The Sister Wives family is led by Kody Brown, who's kind of a goofy, surfer-looking guy who reminds me of the actor Donal Logue from Grounded for Life. I don't mean to say that Donal Logue reminds me of a polygamist tool; more that Kody Brown is really working that look.
I also checked out some blogs written by people living in polyamorous relationships. I'd link them here, but then I'd probably start getting hate comments from polygamists telling me that they don't all live in compounds and wear Snooki hair, some of them live very normal lives and just have long permed hair that isn't completely Snookified. To which I would respond, maybe so, but the Snooki hair is funnier, so that's what I'm going to write about.
After much research, it turns out that I actually don't really give a crap what other people do in their personal lives and in their bedrooms. Assuming these women aren't being forced into marriage at age 14, and assuming they're loving and caring for their children, then I don't really get the hoopla. The women on Sister Wives bought into this gig as adults and their kids all seem reasonably functional. Yeah, some of the kids dissed their parents by saying they expect to be in monogamous marriages when they're older. Gasp! Do you know a lot of teenagers that do want to be just like their parents?
Plus, if I start getting worked up over other people's lifestyle choices, then people might start to notice what a walking disaster I am. As they say, people in glasses houses completely smudged up with grimy toddler fingerprints shouldn't cast the first stone.However, I will say this about Sister Wives: it's a train wreck. I cannot look away.
I do think it's a little creepy to drag your kids into the reality show business. I've always felt sad for Kate Gosselin's kids that way; they didn't ask for cameras to be up in their faces all the time. And it certainly didn't help the Gosselins' marriage, which in turn, is probably not that great for their kids. One can only hope that we're not going to start seeing Kody Brown gallivanting with the babysitter in Ed Hardy shirts on the cover of Star magazine. And seriously, Kody Brown totally looks like he would feel right at home in an Ed Hardy shirt, and that's a slippery slope right there.
I lost a few hours of my life this weekend doing research for this post, watching clips of Big Love and Sister Wives and reading some really. crazy. stuff. on the Internet. To save you the time, I'm giving you the highlights in the form of:
Top 10 Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamy
Disadvantage #10 You might have to spend hours sewing your own dresses.
Advantage #10 You will not spend hours deciding what to wear every day.
Disadvantage #9 The only dress pattern available is from the Laura Ingalls Wilder collection.
Advantage #9 You don't have to worry about shaving your legs when it's not even "your night."
Disadvantage #8 1986 called, they want their teased bangs back.
Advantage #8 Lots of other gals around to help you do your hair.
Disadvantage #7 There's that whole sharing-a-man thing.
Advantage #7 There's that whole sharing-the-laundry thing.
Disadvantage #6 Negotiating household responsibilities must be a drag.
Advantage #6 Maybe cleaning the kitty litter box will be someone else's job.
Disadvantage #5 Neighbors may raise their eyebrows at your "alternative" lifestyle.
Advantage #5 Nearest neighbor lives forty miles away from your armed, gated compound.
Disadvantage #4 It's illegal.
Advantage #4 Prosecutors are willing to look the other way unless you start yapping about it on TLC, Oprah and the Today Show.
Disadvantage #3 Kids are too embarrassed to bring friends home.
Advantage #3 That's just more Hot Pockets for you.
Disadvantage #2 That's a lot of PMS in one house.
Advantage #2 Buying potato chips and chocolate in bulk is a real money-saver.
Disadvantage #1 Some nights, you'll sleep alone.
Advantage #1 Hello, snore-free sleep.
Can't get enough Sister Wives? Check out blog posts today at Mom-In-A-Million and minky (moo). What's your take on it?
I am so glad I am not alone in thinking that these shows are strange.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm with you -- so long as they're not living on some brain-washing commune and being forced into it, it actually doesn't bother me. What does bother me (besides the hair) is how pale they all are. Maybe they're really vampires masquerading as polygamous families. Now THAT would make for good tv.
ReplyDeletehahahha @ ajm!!!! Vampire polygamists...that might actually be worth watching!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though...I keep watching sister wives because I am just waiting for something explosive to happen...I know I'd never be able to function like that.
Last week wife #1 asked Kody how he'd feel if she were with another man and he got all apalled about it...talk about a hypocrite!!! (She's supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy about 'sharing' him but she's not entitled to feel jealous...wtf??)
HAHAHA!! Vampire polygamists. LOVE iT!
ReplyDeleteWomen out number men to what, 4-1. Here's the answer so that every woman has a man. But you have to be ok with sharing, and this includes any STD's he may pick up when he's out trolling for future conquests.
You know there has to be a whole lot of 'wife1 is in a mood, I'll go hang out with this wife3 today', going on.
Just one note. You used the word "polyamory" once and I think you still meant polygamy. There is a big difference there. Polyamory is not religion based and the women can have other lovers/boyfriends. They also might all end up living together, but that is rare and they do not marry more than one person.
ReplyDeletethis is GREAT!
ReplyDelete@Athena - The blogs I read were by polyamorous families. I think maybe the religion-based polygamist families are not so much into blogging? Anyway, my understanding is that "polyamory" is the blanket term for both polygamy and polyandry.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a reality show that somehow combined polygamy and Jersey Shore and that Amish concept of letting kids go sow wild oats for a couple of years. Like putting some compound kids in a house in Ocean City and letting them experience life outside of the compound for a few months.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to shameless stump a post on my blog that fits in nicely with the fashion critique of the Polygamy movement:
ReplyDeletehttp://submommy.blogspot.com/2008/12/dress.html
This is IN MY HOUSE. *shudder*
I don't know, I just get mad at the show - but I can't put a finger on why exactly. To my knowledge polygamy is illegal - but not in Utah? I don't understand how the show can go on and no one get arrested... can some one explain that part to me?
ReplyDeleteHow does the show happen without anyone being arrested?
M
My neighbor across the street has the long hair with giant bangs. I was describing it to a friend and the concept wasn't translating over the phone. So I blurted out that she had a "polygamist mullet." Suddenly we were both on the same page.
ReplyDelete@Mishelle -- They're actually under investigation by the law officials in whatever town they're in in Utah. From what I understand, the state basically has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on polygamy -- and they told.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I don't really get how polygamy can be illegal. I mean, I guess I understand it from the tax purpose point of view or whatever, so I get it that way. But if these people aren't trying to defraud the government out of taxpayer money, I don't understand how this is any different from Joe Douchebag who has a wife and kids and keeps various mistresses across the country for his "business trips". The only difference is that in this case, Joe Douchebag is 100% up-front about his douchiness and his mistresses all know and accept each other.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Even though I completely disagree with this way of life, I sometimes get a little wistful when I watch this show because they all help each other out so much!
What's up with snookies pursed lips?
ReplyDeleteAnyway I'm Muslim & there are lots of polyganous muslim families so I can't comment except to say I wouldn't want to live it but it works for some & doesn't put a bee in my hijab.
Also polygamy is the umbrella term for polyandy (plural husbands) and polygyny (plural wives) polyamory is basically swinging but apparently they have proper relationships (are in love) with their multiple partners. I actually knew a girl online that was in a polyamouous marriage & they tried blending 2 marriages with 3 combined pre-schoolers in one house. It was all blogged and was a massive train wreck that ended very badly.
Anyhow. I think most men that do this don't do it for the right reasons but it CAN work in rare cases. It's not so bad if everyone goes willingly & behaves like mature adults and understands their rights & role.
@Emma -- Thanks for the linguistic clarification! And I love the phrase "bee in my hijab".
ReplyDeleteAlso, Snooki rocks the duckface. That's her "sexy" look. Also her "surprised" look, her "happy" look, and her "disapprovingly stern" look. She's quite the actress, that one.
HA!! I LOVE the Oprah thing.....I could totally hear her saying that in my head. HIL-ARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right..a total train wreck....and I watched every.single.episode!
I cannot imagine sharing my hubby, or my hubby wanting to deal with multiple wives' crazies. However, when watching Sister Wives (definitely addictive), it sorta seems like the women are marrying each other as much or even more than Kody. Esp wife number 3... when she talked about how she never wanted to be a first wife, etc., it totally made me think, "OK, so she wants a family and kids but doesn't really want to deal with a husband alone, and BONUS gets some sisters to hang with and help her." If you hated being an only child and are desperate for a very full house, or you grew up with tons of siblings and can't see living any other way, it kinda makes sense. Plus, how awesome would that be to have mom/s that you trust living in your house to help out when you have a new baby? I could never live that way happily, but I totally get why some women would want to.
ReplyDeleteOnce again you've opened my eyes.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I need to watch more daytime tv. I can see how not liking or watching Oprah is hurting my education!
@ajm: vampires
LOL! You're a scream!I would definately set the dvr up for that "reality" show!
I couldn't share my man, but the housework...yeah that one I could get behind! As long as I stayed Honorable First Wife! hahaha
@starky, you're welcome ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get why people watch Sister Wives, but I will never understand why people watch greasy, spoiled rich kids who make duck faces!
The Oprah comment made me laugh so hard I just about had Coke Zero come out of my nose!
ReplyDeleteGreat, until now I could honestly say I'd never watched one of the TLC reality shows. Then I read your post, and just had to go watch the first episode of Sister Wives on Charter OnDemand. I think I am now addicted.
ReplyDeleteI don't really get why it's illegal either. Great post!
ReplyDeleteGood point. The religious polygamist sects are probably not bloggers.
ReplyDelete@Athena -- Which is a real pity. That would get mad page hits.
ReplyDeleteAs bad as I feel for the Gosselin kids, I still can't look away, because you know they're one step away from snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass when they get older.
ReplyDeleteseeing that guy Kody get all teenager-y excited about his "date" with his future fourth wife as his other three wives wished him luck made me want to change the name of the show from "Sister Wives" to "Mouth Vomit." I feel like there are soo....few....perks....of being a mom that the idea of having one less (my husband isn't sleeping with other women as far as I know) makes me sick. But I too have sister wives...their called..."FRIENDS."
ReplyDeletePolyamory is literally translated to many loves, and means just that. I'm part of a poly relationship. We had another woman living with us that we 'shared' although I slept with her more than the husband did. I've also had another man in our relationship who I didn't have a sexual relationship with, but was definitely my 'emotional' husband (my husband is NOT the most empathetic or emotionally supportive man most of the time, but when he actually gets it, he GETS IT, and is fantastic). It's not just about sex, it's more about the emotional closeness and the love in the relationships that makes the poly relationship work.
ReplyDeleteBeing part of a poly relationship that WORKS is all about communication. Upfront, honest communication. If someone is feeling jealous or neglected, then it shows that that person needs more attention and to talk out what's going on. It can work. We have a triad (two women, one man) that we've been friends with for years, and they'd been together for years prior to our meeting them, and they appear to be going strong.
I agree that one of the biggest perks to having another partner living with you is the help with the household chores and the child rearing. it was wonderful (we had a falling out with our girlfriend due to my health issues and hers conflicting), and made our lives so much easier.
Now, someone commented that polyamory is "basically swinging" which is NOT true. As I said above, polyamory is the emotions, not the physical. By the definition most poly people live by, we're all poly if we have a close friend that we love enough that we would do anything for them. Except in a poly relationship, it's a romantic love, not friendship love.
Now, if I haven't confused anyone yet, I'll go back to herding my little ones, and trying to keep them from killing each other!
@Anonymous -- Thanks for your comment. I totally wish I could get your opinion on the Sister Wives show. My guess is that someone who chooses a poly relationship for non-religious reasons would have a very interesting take on this.
ReplyDeleteThat was me re. the swinging comparison, I apologize if that was rude & do get the difference. Would open relationship/marriage be a more appropriate description?
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing. I live in Southern Utah. (Warren Jeffs trial, Colorado City... Hilldale... ring any bells?) I am NOT a polygamist. I have 7 children, was raised mormon, am raising my children mormon ( but i am NOT a good example.. don't look to me for a good visual aid) and polygamy is NOT a part of our religion. Here's what PISSES ME OFF.
ReplyDeleteA) Polygamy is illegal in Utah, however, polygamists have their OWN law enforcement. And when you drive through those communities as I had to do for work a couple of times.... "the hills have eyes." They didn't want to let me leave. I had a panic attack. I WILL NEVER do it again, and told my boss as much. These kids in polygamist compounds do NOT have a choice about polygamy. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.
B) Whoever said they aren't trying to defraud the government is uninformed. These women are not legally married. So they are "single mothers" of 14 kids or what have you, and they all get FOOD STAMPS! and medicaid, CHILD CARE benefits so they can "go to work". So the first wife "opens a state approved daycare" in her home. Then she "hires" the other sister wives, so they are "working" and qualify for child care benefits. The first wife gets paid every month BY THE STATE for "child care earnings". Don't ever wonder.... they are SCHOOLED in how to do this. And they admit it, while driving brand new suburbans and jags. Years ago, during a low point in my life when I was working for Wally world as a cashier, a polygamist woman came through my line. She paid with food stamps. After her purchase, she had FIVE GRAND in food stamp bennies left on her card.
C) Inbreeding. This creates many children with disabilities such as down's syndrome. These children are hidden. Always. One woman with a child who had leukemia ran away from the polygamist life because she wanted to get medical treatment for him. They would have LET HIM DIE. She had to plan and plan and plan.... and these women are never allowed to have any money of their own. I don't know how she did it... but she's one of my heroes.
Polygamy... it's not a fun idea, it's not something that should be hyped up by television and movies. It's sad and abusive and WRONG. I saw all the news footage of those mothers at the compound when the Warren Jeffs thing blew up. I see these women and children every time I go to the dentist or grocery shopping. One teenage polygamist girl took pics and video of me with her phone when I was at the dentist with all my monsters. CREEPY. And sad, and wrong. *deep breath* ok. I'm done. *steps down off my soap box*
Wow, I'm all kinda about responding on old posts today.
ReplyDeleteNot the original polyamory supporter from like 3 posts up, but re: polyamorous people & the view of the show 'Sister Wives', I think I may find it even weirder than a monogamous person would. The only way I willingly share my husband is if I have strong feelings for the new person, in which case it can lead to a relationship, or if I know he has no emotional attachment to them at all.
It's very very very strange to me that you have a partner bond with a man, who has that same bond with other women, but your bond with those women is one of friend/family. It honestly seems, to me, like a set-up to keep the women uneasy, on edge, and barely functioning.
I don't understand how you can actually be happy sharing your husband. but not having anything filling the gap, in presence if nothing else, that is left in your relationship with him. Especially in the family and home structure in Sister Wives, where the house is essentially apartments, and NOT a family/communal home. Seperate bedrooms, I could understand, but each wife has her own area with a kitchen, living area, etc, so when their husband is elsewhere, its just a gap.
Anyway, just my .02 as a polyamorous person. It seems very off to me. I simply cannot imagine giving anyone I'm involved with what is essentially a free pass if I did not have the same extended to me.
Ok thanks for specifying polygamous and not bringing normal polyamorous people into the cliches. I have two husbands and I def don't sport Snooki hair :). Oh and it's actually not illegal in most states, only in Utah and only because there are mormons there. The rest of the states have other ways of harassing polyamorous and polygamous families.
ReplyDelete@fyrebloom: Thanks for being the first person in a polyandrous relationship to comment! Actually, I'm pretty sure that polygamy is illegal in every state, in that only one marriage is recognized legally at a time. My guess is that other states don't go after those cohabitating though. (Not saying it should be illegal, though.)
ReplyDeleteOk so now I'm going through posts, let me clear up a couple of things. Polyamoury is a term that encompasses a couple of different things and not just guys with a harem. Polyamoury is not swinging and we are trying very hard to get that misconception cleared up. Swinging is just sex or partner swapping and there is supposed to be no emotional connection but of course some poly folk swing and some swingers only swing with one couple (making them much more poly then swingers IMO but they call it what they like). Some poly relationships are open, meaning all partners can have additional partners, Some are polyfidelous meaning the group is closed but inter-relationships remain between the partners in the group. Some are on the surface polygamous but in actuality they are open or closed. The difference between polygamy and Polyamory is that in polygamy the guy can have multiple wives and the women can't have multiple husbands. A nice husband might ask if its ok to date or marry a new woman but I think that depends on the guy. In a polyamorous relationship if one partner wants new partners all the partners are involved in the decision of level of involvement and such and all partners have the option of taking on more lovers unless the group has decided to be closed to all. Going behind your partners back and screwing someone new even if that person has been vetod or without the knowledge of the rest of the partners is cheating and many partners will not tolerate that sort of behavior. If one partner is cheating without testing and protection they could spread disease through the whole family and you have to be able to trust your partners. My family is sort of open, although we have 4 kids under 5 so there's not really alot of time to be dating, kwim? There are advantages of polyamory, more people to watch kids, build in babysitter for date nights, more people cook and clean, more incomes to support everyone and more back up if someone loses their job. The downsides are many of us are long haired hippies (which I personally like :)), matching tye dye might make your friends tweek (unless they're in it too), If you're polyandous you have multiple guys refusing to ask for directions and if your family is big enough you can't all fit in your Prius :).
ReplyDeleteNo state allows marriage to multiple people but Utah is special in that they specifically made polygamy illegal. In most cases it only becomes an issue if A) you go on TV with it, B) you break up and your partner/s use your relationship status against you for custody/alimony stuff, or C) some busybody calls CPS on you because they don't believe it's a healthy environment for children. Most often it's B. I'm legally married to one of my guys and the other I married off the books. We all co-habitate and it's a good relationship (just your usual insanity stemming from having an Aspie child, a set of twins and a baby who might also turn out being autistic).
ReplyDeleteI have fiends who were in a 3-way polyandrous relationship for a while - yes, three husbands with each other - and I have to say from my perspective it was more entertaining than any episode of Sister Wives. It ended in divorce of one of the husbands, though two are still together and raising their children. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and you can't generalize except to say, any kind of relationship can be loving and "functional", and any can be abusive and dysfunctional. It all comes down to the people and relationships involved.
ReplyDeleteI'm the anon up yonder. I've tried to post this comment four times today, and Google keeps eating it. Stupid interwebz!
ReplyDeleteI haven't caught Sister Wives yet, but keep meaning to DVR it. It looks interesting, but I'm afraid I'll end up screeching at the guy that he's being a jackhole and the women are being brainless bimbettes for not insisting on having the freedom to date, too!
Fyrebloom is right, in polyamory is NOT swinging, and that we are trying to separate the two. Since she so accurately defined and explained it, I will let her words stand. She really did hit everything on the head with the benefits. One downside I've found, though, is breaking up when kids are involved. The woman who was with us really broke my kids' hearts when she left us. We worked really hard to make sure that they understood that it was NOT their faults (no matter how much she yelled at them for not behaving or being too loud).
I kinda want to address something frazzledmama said about polygamy being abusive and wrong. I just want to point out that it's not ALWAYS abusive and wrong. There are more instances of polygamy, I think, in the Sister Wives and Big Love sense than the Warren Jeffs sense. Yes, I fully agree that the Warren Jeffs version of polygamy is very wrong and abusive, I just like to think that it's the less common version of polygamy.
I'm a regular reader, and becoming a more regular commenter, but because my husband is monogamous, and his boss trolls the internet looking for stuff their staff and/or staff families put online, I'm staying anonymous. Our relationship can put his job at risk, and I'd really rather not do that to him.
Am I the only one who detests, avoids, has no respect for, and just hates all of the reality shows? I mean, have the writers just lost all ability or drive to come up with something new? Now we're canceling soap operas (up to 3 hours a day women will never get back) and replacing them with yet more reality crap.
ReplyDelete