Parents feel a lot of guilt. All the time. Or at least I do. I shouldn't make assumptions about you. Sorry about that. I feel guilty about that now.
Here are some of the myriad of things I'm feeling guilty about at any given moment:
Money. Money has the power to make me feel queasy six ways to Sunday. As a stay-at-home parent, I'm not contributing financially to our family. I feel guilty about this even though a) despite my education and level of experience, I can't make enough money to cover childcare and b) I love being a stay-at-home mom. Still, it puts a tremendous burden on my husband to be the sole provider for a family of six. That's a lot of mouths to feed and we're a hungry bunch. We're not gourmets; the staples (milk, bread, eggs, Cheetos) are plenty for us, but still. That's a lot of pressure, dude.
I'm sorry, Honey. I'm sorry you got my Worry Genes. Probably you will have my Guilt Genes when you're a mommy. Hopefully by then I'll be out of my mind with senile dementia and won't worry or feel guilty about anything any more. And hopefully? I'll be so crazy that you'll actually get a laugh from my crazy cat lady antics. And maybe you'll laugh so hard, you'll forget to worry and feel guilty.
Things may be falling through the cracks. My triage system is not perfect. Maybe it's not enough. Are the cracks in the system big enough for an entire child to fall through? This worry is gnawing at my brain like an insistent beaver.
Sigh. You know what? I'm bumming myself out here.
So here are some things I don't feel even the slightest bit guilty about.
- My messy house. Don't care. Not a bit. It's a train wreck. I was feeling a little bit bad about it on Friday but then you guys all chimed in about how bad your houses look, too. Thanks!
- My kids don't have a [fill in the blank]. You name it. Cell phone? iPod? Stylish wardrobe? Whole bunch of Silly Bandz? They don't have any of those. I know they'd like them. You know what they do have? A house to live in, food, and plenty of fun stuff. I refuse to feel guilty about not buying my kids every damn thing advertised on Nickelodeon. Because you know what? They have Nickelodeon. So clearly, they're not exactly suffering.
- My son is still not potty-trained. Yeah. He's four. We're working on it. That is the best we can do, Society.
- I have dropped the f-bomb in front of my kids a couple of times. I know it's not good. But in my head? I swear like a sailor. Inside my head there is a constant stream of profanity. It's like having a really foul-mouthed version of Dick Vitale providing a running commentary in my head all. damn. day. The fact that I have only let two swears slip out is actually amazing. Yay me.
- Any parenting choice I have made up to this point. Really, I cannot believe how much time and energy is spent bickering, worrying, and stressing about some of this stuff. Yes, all four of my children had at least a few ounces of formula at some point during their infancies. Yes, I had an epidural during my VBAC delivery of a 9 pound, 7 ounce baby. Yes, tonight we ate hot dogs for dinner, in front of the television, watching football. They were not even organic hot dogs. I do not feel guilty about any of this.
Don't worry about the potty training. My daughter with Asperger's didn't really train until she was about 4.5, and even then she had a ton of accidents. She STILL has accidents, at 6.5, but they're thankfully much less common. You can't push it. It happens when it happens, ya know?
ReplyDeleteHey so I made the frito pie from scratch and my family loved it! :0)
ReplyDeleteThe guilt was a huge thing I was not prepared for when I thought of having kids. As soon as I was pregnant,there it was: guilt for not being perfect every second of the day and knowing that my kids' failures will be all my fault (society deems this to be true). Husband has had none of this guilt,even when he should have a little. All of us mommies should make a pact to focus more on the non-guilt stuff and try to shove the guilt into an empty bag of Cheetos and forget it!
ReplyDeleteI've done all those things you have and more (especially swearing). I'm not always proud but you know what-they are fine and no one is perfect. Better they see that now-remember how disappointing it was to find out your mom isn't perfect? Your kids will grow up and appreciate you-as they should. The older I get the less guilty I feel about stuff (cleaning, crafting, watching TV, eating habits sometimes) and it has liberating. Spend that energy having fun with them instead.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty that my own social backwardness contributes to my son's overwhelming social anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI don''t feel guilty that the house is a mess, we don't celebrate holidays like other people do, and my son wears one thing each day - no pajamas. He hates changing clothes and what does it matter.
What's weird is that the stuff I do feel bad about I have no control over.
Great list!! You seem to have it all under control. You worry about things that are important and don't worry about trivial things. Sounds like you have a good balance going on.
ReplyDeleteExcept...move the cheetos worry down to the "do not worry" list...
My biggest worry? The student loans I am raking up....they are staring to seem insurmountable. Then the 'what-if's' start settling in. What if I can't find a job in this economy? What if they take my home away because I can't pay my loans off? What if my kids need me whn I am working full-time? Obviously money is a big worry of mine as well....it's normal to worry about it.
Then there is my do not worry list: I don't worry about the fact that I check my facebook 3 times a day. I don't worry about the fact that there is ALWAYS laundry that needs to be washed/folded/put away. And I don't worry about the fact that we eat cruddy dinners during the week...typically with me studying or writing a research paper and the kids absorbed in some mindless tv program.
AMEN! I loved this. We mommys tend to put too much pressure on ourselves (as I just got done fussing to make sure my hair, makeup, clothes, weight, etc is good enough for a PTA meeting. What am I thinking?) I think I will start my own list of things to no longer worry about. I especially loved the line about the hot dogs not being organic. You should see my neighborhood grocery store. I feel like I have to sneak all of the processed, sugar ladened food into my basket or risk "the look".
ReplyDeleteMy perfectly healthy 4 year olds aren't potty trained either. We too have been working on it. We have #1 down (most of the time) but #2's killing me! I get to the point where I just throw the durty panites away because I can't stand to wash them any longer. A friend suggested letting them run around bare bottomed at home to make them think about when they have to go. That workes okay for twin #1, but twin #2, #2ed on my floor.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up I was pretty much told I was a spoiled and a brat. When a room full of people laughed I thought it was at me and would freak out. Made my mother so angry. Well, I have a daughter just like that. In fact she is even more anxious than I was. She can worry for hours about which kind of ice cream to order for dessert unless I make a decision for her. It's painful. Not because of what she does, but because I know I gave this to her. It's my fault that she can't go to a friend's bday party and just have fun (until the last hour and then freak out when its time to go home). I have cried and cried over this. I know that it is VERY hard to keep friends when you have some of the issues she/we have. And I don't want that for her.
ReplyDeleteOn top of that I went off my meds when I was pregnant with her. The doctor said they were safe, but I wanted to do the right thing. When she was born I was thrown into terrible PPD and she was collicky. I was afraid to be alone with her. She cried all the time. Enter second child, who I stayed on meds with, and she was the happiest calmest baby ever. And I had no PPD at all. Now she is still this little social butterfly while her big sister hides in the corner. Talk about guilt!!!!
But, overall I am learning to let go of it. The older one is getting better, little by little. And mommy is too worried about getting a full time job to worry about anything else.
OMG that's hilarious, what a fantastic writer! I can relate.
ReplyDeleteNo guilt about my epidurals (all 4 ) ....especially with both my 10lb10oz deliveries! I do feel guilty about stepping outside from time to time to have a cigarette, I don't feel guilty when my kids don't have the latest trend,toy, etc because like you said they have other great things and that's enough:-)
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah. 8yo not potty trained here.
ReplyDeleteAnd, feeling guilty about genes? I apparently passed along the autism gene because not only do my two kids have it, all three of my brothers are on the spectrum and all of the kids born to my sister and I are autistic. So there's that.
Are you psychic? How did you read my mind all the way from over there?! Did you peer into my windows to get that list?! Did somebody tell?!?!?
ReplyDeleteYou're so awesome! I've been having trouble sleeping over my money guilt, so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Maybe now I can get some dang sleep.
ReplyDelete-Nina
AMEN, sista!!!! :)
ReplyDeletetotally digging your post today...
ReplyDeleteyeah, all weekend, ate like crap. 3.5yo son refuses to poop in the potty, going so far as to throw epic temper tantrums about it. haven't refilled anti-depressant out of sheer laziness & am now a raging bitch (called scrip in today!). i swear... a lot. and it's pretty common for the kids to see me with a glass of wine in my hand.
i figure, i can't do anything about the choices i have made thus far regarding my kids or my marriage, i can just try to make better, ahem, decisions down the road. or later today, whichever comes first.
Can I just say? Cross feeling guilty about money off of your list. NOW. I work. My husband is a Stay At Home Dad. He does not "contribute financially." If he worked, I would be a stark.raving.lunatic. Seriously. Your contribution defies money. Yes, providing for a family is its own stress, but providing for a family knowing my husband is at home with my most prized demon-cherubs is way easier than if I were at work and they were with someone who didn't love them the way he does.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty about the state of my house.
ReplyDeleteNot guilty enough to actually DO anything about it, but I get twinges of guilt once in awhile.
I don't feel guilty about letting my kids watch TV for good long stretches at a time.
No guilt about my two epidurals. I mean, I wouldn't get a root canal without anesthesia, why would I have a baby without it?
Life's too short for me to give a flying eff about making sure my kids wear vegan shoes or some such thing.
I swear all the time. I even swear in front of my 5 month old. I don't mean to do it, it just comes out. I can't sensor myself.
ReplyDeleteGuilt? who has time for guilt?
ReplyDeleteI'm too busy trying to toilet train 4.5yr old twins, keep up with washing for a family of 6 kids, get dressed (and maybe even shower!), feed all them monsters, catch up with all these fantastically funny blogs and tweet! Let's not talk about the drinking and swearing shall we? it's a coping mechanism, and I wait till dinner time - for the drinking, the swearing just happens, it's like breathing here in Chez Liltoastfairy....
But as you say, the kids are clothed (mostly), housed and loved. we have some fun times, laughter, play around. what else is *really* important?
I gave up worrying about what anyone else thinks a while ago now...I just plain ran out of time for it. :OD
Organic hot dogs? Isn't that like saying government intelligence or jumbo shrimp?
ReplyDeleteI have that same litany of swearing in my own head. I can peel the skin off any marine in my head. And I can usually contain it in front of my kids. But you're right. Sometimes something bad slips out. It won't kill the kids. And when the 5y0 son tells the teacher at the Christian school to 'suck it, fancy', they only bring it up in the parent-teacher conference once or twice. I'm sure she got a huge kick out of telling her other teacher friends about it.
Love this blog! as moms we tend to feel guilty about so many things. I personally work at not feeling guilty over every thing, but find that it can be hard. Money was a major issue for me too because I have always been a SAHM, I have been home for so long that I barely remember I used to work 3 jobs at a time.
ReplyDeleteOMG - you are all supermom saints compared to me!
ReplyDeleteI stayed on all of my meds during pregnancy except Adderall (yes, I'm a 40 something mom with ADD). I didn't even consider breastfeeding because I knew I would end up in the psych emergency ward. I was HAPPY when the doctor told me I had to have a C-section. A big 'ol epidural plus a five minute birth - sign me up!
I can't imagine being a stay-at-home mom. The Grommit and I would spend the whole day watching Real Housewives and the View. He is much better off in his awesome Jewish pre-school, except that my co-workers are worried that he won't form a personal relationship with Jesus. (Yes. They've said that.) He doesn't know about Santa yet. Mommy likes her wine.
All of that said, Grommit is beautiful and perfect and loves me.
oh man thank you for this post. Seriously. Yes I had c-section. And YES I still got to feel the miracle of birth. and NO I didn't want my baby to die or me to die if I went into seizures. Also I tried to breastfeed, it wasn't working so instead of my child starving to death I used formula. Thanks for the guilt trip society! that felt nice to get off my chest.
ReplyDeleteAm a relatively new reader to this post, so am kinda late in replying, but people can STICK IT!! Walk in my shoes and MAYBE you can have an opinion. Otherwise, keep your fat mouth shut. Mind your own business and you won't be minding mine, as the song goes.
ReplyDeleteGuilty? Nope. I'm not fat, I'm culinarily blessed. Messy house? Nope, a contestant for that Hoarders show. I have more stuff than you do, wanna see? I collect dirt, and if you have a problem with that, you are more than welcome to hire a housekeeper to clean my house.
Otherwise, STICK IT and SHUT UP!