11 Halloween Costume FAILS

It has been a gradual slide into the complete whorification of Halloween, but we're there.  Almost everything is "sexy" now, even things just aren't even sexy.  Like bugs.  And Mrs. Potato Head.  And fruit.  And the things that aren't sexy?  Are baffling.

      

Even bugs are whorey now.  Also, the model looks like she just farted.  So much so that I just spent twenty minutes figuring out how to embed a sound onto this blog.  So press the play button and look at the model.  Beano FAIL.  (But stark. raving. mad. mommy. html code WIN.)

Oh, nothing says sexy like a cartoon character that lives in the sewer with a decrepit rat sensei.  There are so many things wrong with this costume. First of all, it doesn't even look like a turtle.  Second of all, is there a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie out or something?  Because the last time I heard anything about those guys was circa 1990.  Thirdly, and most importantly, this costume was in the "International Costumes" section.  What, because they were "ninjas"?  Those things lived in New York City.  Geography / Timeliness / Sexy / Remotely-Looking-Like-Character FAIL.

Oh my gosh, I think I saw these in that Woodstock documentary.  The hippies were alllllll about jeggings.  Especially ones with details like the faux belt, faux bandanna, faux patches, and faux pockets.  Oh, and the faux historical accuracy.  Trompe l'oeil FAIL.

Wow.  This costume manages to be offensive on so many levels.  I think even fans of the Atlanta Braves / Cleveland Indians / Florida State Seminoles / Washington Redskins would find this disgusting. Cultural understanding FAIL.

I'm not a religious person, and even I know this is appalling.  Plus? Nuns would wear black tights.  Duh. Bible Fashion Study FAIL.

Dude, I don't know what kind of Halloween party you're going to, but that pacifier is kind of, um, scary.  You look like the worst ad for Axe cologne ever.  Duckface + anatomically difficult pacifier + shaved chest = creeping me the hell out.  Pouty model FAIL.

What kind of weird fetish does one have to have to find this sexy?  Let's psychoanalyze this one, mmkay?  So ... not enough potatoes as a child?  Not enough toys as a child?  How about not enough positive female role models as a child.  Yeah ... that one.  Let's go with that one.  Toy Story Cross-Marketed Merchandise FAIL.

Wow, this costume is three-dimensional!  Which is helpful, because I was tired of my kid being all two-dimensional.  What kind of costume, exactly, isn't three-dimensional?  Flat Stanley?  Geometry FAIL.

"Of course you're beautiful, honey, now let me put this giant paper bag over your head."  Child self-esteem FAIL.

"Robyn Da Hood."  Get it?  She like an historical fictional character and she's a whore.  Bonus!  She steals from the rich and gives to the poor.  If by "steals from the rich" you mean knocks you out, steals your kidneys, and you wake up in a bathtub full of ice in the morning.  And by "gives to the poor" you mean transmits venereal disease.  Mixed metaphor FAIL.

Sexual harassment fruit!  Hilarious.  You'll definitely want to wear this one to the neighborhood party.  Chicks totally dig the witty double entendre.  Nothing says "Hey, let's check to see if there's any registered sex offenders in our neighborhood"  like an angry-looking, sexually aggressive fruit.  Chick magnet FAIL.

Those were just the costume FAILS.  For the Ten Halloween Costumes I Hate, click here.