1. Antique dolls. Oh. My. God. These things are scarier than clowns. Because at least with clowns, you're expected them to move. Antique dolls look sweet and innocent but then when you go to sleep? They get all stabbity.
Most of them don't even look sweet and innocent, though. They look like tiny crazy cat ladies. Or puppets that have been crafted for the sole purpose of recreating scenes in Alfred Hitchcock movies at 1/8 scale.
I've also watched too many shark documentaries, because for the longest time we didn't have cable. The only place we got to watch cable was once a year, at our rented vacation house on the Jersey shore. Inevitably, we rented during TLC's Shark Week. So we watched Jaws and shark documentaries all week and every time a piece of seaweed touched me I panicked.
But. Still. You know what freaks me out more than sharks? Dolls' eyes. In particular, the ones in antique dolls that open and shut. That is some scary, scary stuff.
And then I found this ring, and it wasn't even on Etsy, which is normally my source for accessories that seem to be specifically designed to freak me out.
When you lift your hand or put it down, the ring opens and shuts its eye. Thanks, gingasquid.com. Thanks for the hipster nightmares.
3. Clowns. Pffft. I know. So obvious, right? It's obvious because clowns are freaky. Clowns are so freaky they take freaky to a whole other dimension. And the question you have to ask is, "Does anyone actually like clowns?"
I don't know too many people that don't hate clowns. I might know a couple of people that are not terrified by clowns.
The only people who love clowns, are clowns. Really. And maybe people who just hate their day jobs and think, wouldn't it be fun to be a clown and scare the bodily fluids out of my boss?.
The only thing I like about clowns is that they're all evil marketing geniuses. They've got a lock on that whole circus monopoly. Their very existence fuels the perception that people, especially children, like clowns. Thus, deluded Human Resources people hire clowns for the company picnic. Parents hire clowns for kids' birthday parties. And of course, there's the king clown, Ronald McDonald.
Once we stopped at a McDonald's that had a life-size statue of Ronald sitting on a bench. The statue was chipped and worn and appeared to be looking right at me whilst I ate.
"That statue is really creepy," whispered the Peanut Butter Kid.
"Yeah," I agreed. "It's kind of freaking me out. I think it's watching us eat."
"You know what would be even creepier?" asked the Peanut Butter kid. "If it had bugs crawling out of its eyes." And then she giggled maniacally.
What. The. Hell.
4. America's Funniest Home Videos. Sometimes it's okay. Cute kitten popping out of a tissue box. Baby with pureed squash coming out of his nose. Dad getting nailed in the crotch with a tricycle. That's all good stuff, people. Good stuff. But just when I've been lulled into finding the show charming, the next video is of a child falling off a swing onto her cranium. The kid will be lying in the dirt crying, and the Parent of the Year is laughing so hard the flip cam is shaking.
You know what I do when my kids fall, get hurt, and cry? I comfort them. I know. It's just crazy enough to work. I guess I'm overprotective that way.
And speaking of rats...
6. Pet Rats. These are so disturbing that I'm sparing you any illustration. I figure the Mickey photo should just about cover it anyway. We all know what a rat looks like.
I'm not a huge fan of rodents of any type as pets, but of course my kids adore checking them out at the pet store. We go to the pet store a lot, because it is right near Target, and because it is cheaper and quicker than the zoo. We refer to PetSmart as the Short Attention Span Zoo. (If I had more energy, I'd rearrange those words to somehow make the acronym of SPAZ, but I simply can't do it tonight.)
The other day I took the Peanut Butter Kid on a special one-on-one trip to PetSmart. We had worked on classifying things in her home science class, so it seemed like a great place to go and see how PetSmart sorts its different critters. All good.
Then we went to look at the rodents. And I saw something I had never noticed before. As many times as I had been to PetSmart with my kids, I never really took the time to observe the rats.
They have extremely large testicles.
Seriously. There is so much going on down there, I thought one of the rats was giving birth. And I was about to be all, look, the miracle of disgusting rat life, but then I realized they were giant rat testicles. So I thought, oh my God, that rat has a serious prostate problem and probably needs one of those medicines they advertise on ESPN. But then I checked out the other rats' junk and decided it was some kind of rampant infection. Perhaps all the rats at this particular PetSmart had the clap or something. (What? I don't know. They're all in there in the cage together. All it takes is one bad apple to spoil the bunch, as they say.)
Obviously, when I got home I had to Google it. Obviously. Because what is Google for if not typing in "rats large testicles" and seeing what you can find out? Here is what I found out: rats have extremely large testicles. Also, I found out that on YouTube there is a Chipmunk version of AC/DC's "Big Balls."
Again, I will refrain from embedding that video here because I love you and I realize you're just trying to drink your coffee in peace. (On the other hand, if you think that kind of thing is hilarious, then click here. It's wrong on so many levels.)