Friday, September 17, 2010

My Husband is Superman. Also, He's Insane.

Sometimes I am amazed by my husband.  Usually, I'm amazed in a good way.  As the sole provider for a family of six, he regularly works a 60-hour week.  He also mows the lawn (eventually), does the weekly grocery shopping (with at least one child in tow, sometimes all four), and puts up with my ranting nonsense (which is constant).  he's also willing to eat absolutely anything I cook, and that includes leftovers.  All y'all that are married to those dudes who "don't do leftovers," all I can say is this: they would be some hungry hungry hubbies in this house.  Because if I'm going to bother to cook, I'm going to make enough that for at least one night, my only cooking involves pressing microwave buttons.

So yeah: he eats leftovers gladly, works hard, and takes care of us.  Plus, I'm crazy in love with him.  I am still delighted to see him every evening when he walks in from work.  And not only because it's like the freaking cavalry has come to rescue me from the snot-filled depths of my day-to-day drill.  I mean, not only because of that.  But partly.

I used to go regularly to meetings of my local Mothers of Multiples club.  The Absent-Minded Professor would walk in and I'd be all, "Have to go now!  Yes, the meeting doesn't start until 7:30 but I said I'd help set up chairs.  For an hour.  So I havetogonowbuhbye."

Ideally, I would stay out until the kids were in bed.  It didn't really count as a night out if I still had to participate in the Chaos of Bedtime.  I was not the only mommy who thought so, either.  If a meeting ended before 9:00 p.m., a whole bunch of moms would loiter and mill about, muttering, I can't go home yet.  I just can't.

Usually, I would come home to find the house basically trashed, but as long as everyone was still breathing and the kids were asleep, I couldn't have cared less.  I had my night out.

Except one time.

One time, everything seemed fine when I came home.  I had hauled my serially pregnant self out to a "mommy club meeting" and come home to the usual amount of detritus from a fun-filled evening of Daddy insanity. But then the next morning, three little girls were standing silently next to my bed waiting for me to wake up.  Waiting to rat out Daddy tell me all about their awesome adventure the previous night.

It seems that before bedtime, the Peanut Butter Kid managed to lock herself into the bathroom.  She immediately began to freak out.  The Absent-Minded Professor was unable to pop the lock from outside the bathroom.  Therefore, he decided to climb in the bathroom window.  Please note that we're talking about a second-floor window.  In order to access said window, he had to use a ladder.  Our ladder didn't reach all the way from the porch to the bathroom window, so he balanced the ladder on the porch railing.

Because obviously when you're responsible for three small children, what you want to do is balance a six-foot folding ladder on a porch railing and then climb all the way up it.  What's best? Is if you can do this in a place where if you fall and break your neck, you will be entirely hidden by hedges and no one will find your lifeless body and your children will be home alone and one of them is still locked in the bathroom.

Not that this kind of thing sends me into an anxiety spiral.

Of course that night I got the Absent-Minded Professor's side of the story, which turned out to be exactly the same as the girls' story, except that he added some pertinent details like my daughter was panicked and I went into some kind of feral Must Save Child Mode.  Another interesting detail was the fact that when he did rescue the Peanut Butter Kid, she had stripped stark naked in the bathroom as part of her freak-out.

The kids and I got him a Superman t-shirt for Father's Day that year, because in their eyes he's not a crazy risk-taking straitjacket candidate, he's the most amazing, courageous SuperDaddy ever.  And since that's actually the best thing a girl could think about her daddy, I leave it at that.


  1. Great dad, but slightly insane. Couldn't he have taken the hinges off the door or something?

    I remember when I went on a moms' night out once, my husband was calling me non-stop because our daughter had a cold and was coughing. He was driving me nuts. I finally just had to leave the restaurant because I wasn't having fun hearing him panic non-stop over the phone. Sheesh!

  2. The bathroom door hinges were on the inside. (Hinges are always on the side the door opens into.) I would have called 911, myself. Nothing gets a block party started faster than a firetruck.

  3. I would have called 911 too, but daddy's just don't work the same as mommies. My ex would probably have done the same. Or McGuyvered his way in. We have two daughters. The oldest is into superheroes and she totally thinks her daddy is Spiderman. (I prefer Superman. That must be why we are divorced.)

  4. Dear God that is awesome. I love the term "anxiety spiral". It sounds like it somehow relates to my spine which totally appropriate.
    I also think it rocks that Peanut Butter Kid thought getting naked would aid the situation. Maybe she saw Shawshank Redemption and was going to crawl through the sewer system.
    Either way. This is a fantastic post and if I knew how to make that "heart" icon here I would totally "heart" it.

  5. The door opens into the bathroom? Here (in the Netherlands) they always open out for safety reasons, not only in case someone gets locked in but also in case someone collapses against the door preventing help from access.

  6. My husband is somewhat different. He's the one that would call 911, I'm the one that would have taken the door knob off and opened the door through the hole. But my son? I've seen him stack a bar stool on a kitchen chair to reach the top shelf to slide over to the 'forbidden box' that holds the bribery suckers. He was 3 at the time.

  7. When this happened to us, I told my daughter to stand back, and I kicked in the door. Okay, so we had to fix the doorframe afterward, but I finally felt like all the Angelina Jolie movies I'd watched were justified.

  8. Honestly, I think men just like an excuse to use ladders.

    (Still impressed, though. :-)

  9. @Marijn, Pretty sure there's a LOT of things that make more sense in the Netherlands. Here the doors pretty much always open in to a bathroom. The only door in my house that opens out is the door to my pantry, and that's only because the pantry is so small.

  10. Question - couldn't unscrew the doorknob?

    That's what we did, all 5 times someone has locked themselves in our bathroom(s) until we finally got smart an put the child proofing doorknob thingies on the INSIDE.

    The poor door knob. It finally gave up and we had to replace it.

  11. What an awesome husband/daddy! You definitely are one lucky gal!

  12. He is AWESOME...insane, but AWESOME...LOL

  13. tee hee hee.

    Can you write to requests??? Like a literary DJ, who instead of spininng wheels of steel, spins tales upon requests. you could be a BJ - Blog Jockey...Just to entertain your little ol friend in fluffya, PEE AYE.

    here's my first request for your delightful ponderance and soliloquy:

    WHY can't children leave toiletries ALONE. Most importantly, why do they keep trying to use tampons as an arts and crafts supply/paint brushes.

    aye ei ei ei ei

    appropos to nothing, the shark asked me if my peds (pantyhose footie things) are special princess shoes. I said yes of course.

  14. Hey! You're popping back up on my google reader again! What was the problem?

  15. @Cheryl -- YAY! I don't exactly know what the problem was, but I just kept trying to fix it and finally something worked. Did your google reader fill up with every post I ever wrote?

  16. You weren't showing up in my feed reader for a while either, but you definitely fixed the problem because just now I got your last 25 posts all at once. And I just read them all. I couldn't possibly stop and go to bed (even though I will seriously regret it in the morning) because you're just too funny.

  17. lmao!!! my husband luckily will also eat anything, if he didn't he'd starve...


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