Friday, September 24, 2010

Big Fun at the Fair

Earlier this week, I wrote about the super-duper security measures being taken by our school.  Rest assured that our school security keeps our hallways free of roaming terrorists, chupacabras, and parents.   And kids with untucked shirts.  Because, you know, if the shirt is untucked, the learning can fall right out.

Anyway, a mommy writer named Hartley wrote a comment on that post. She had had a similar experience with a school not being happy about wanting to walk her son in.  Hartley's comment said, "I assured her this wasn't my first rodeo."

And that is now my favorite expression.  Particularly because this weekend I am going to my first rodeo.  Y'all.

This weekend is the start of the County Fair.  I am equal parts so excited I could pee and so terrified I could vomit.  All four of our children, the Young Carnivores, really want to go.  Even Little Dude wants to go, now that we told him there wouldn't be any clowns.  Except maybe rodeo clowns.  Damn, why are there always clowns?

Nothing brings on my anxiety like the possibility of clowns, except the thought of taking all four children to a crowded place where every single person is either hopped up on cotton candy or mellowed out on Fried Frozen Magaritas.  If you were going to steal a child, this is where you would go.  Screaming kids and exhausted parents everywhere.  If some kid is being hoisted out hollering and crying, no one will bat an eyelash.

They talk up the fair pretty good at school, so the kids are pretty much bouncing off the walls to go.  The school district even closes the schools for the first day of the fair, a bit of small-towny goodness that I adore.  It's also a plus for the girls competing in the County Fair Queen contest, because this way they don't have to miss any school for their "scholarship competition."

Strangely, I was not invited to be a contestant in the Fair Queen pageant, or contest, or whatever it is.  It's disappointing. I  may have to make myself a crown out of fried Pop Tarts.  Which, conveniently, are sold at fairs in Texas.  Sweet.

There is all kinds of royalty at this fair: Besides the all-important  Fair Queen, there's the Junior Fair Queen (age 10-14), the Fair Duchess (age 7-9) and the Fair Princess (age 4-6).  I am extremely disappointed there is no Fair Baby Baroness category.  I love nothing more than two-year-olds with Snooki hair and mascara.

There is also a corresponding male role for all these categories but obviously no one cares about that.  It's like the groomsmen in a wedding party: yes, they look good in a tux but whatev, we're here to critique the bride's and bridesmaids' dresses.

I would totally enter Little Dude in the Fair Prince category except that it sounds like it would be the worst kind of social / sensory overload situation and would probably result in needing (even more) years of therapy.  But it would be awesome because he's adorable and I could be all, he's disabled, and then he would get the sympathy vote and probably win.  That's right: I would totally play the disability card.  Because that's what good Pageant Moms do.  That, and trip the other contestants as they walk onto the stage.

Once all the royalty has been paraded about, livestock will be displayed.  There are particular shows for rabbits, turkeys, heifers, and all kinds of other delicious creatures.  There are also shows scheduled for "roasters, freezers, and broilers," and ohmygod I just realized I think they're talking about chickens, not appliances.  The freezer show even has an invitation-only reception beforehand.

I have not been invited.

There is also a barbecue cook-off, and the Young Carnivores and I plan to basically camp out all day for that.  Actually, I'm planning on eating as many meals as possible at the Fair.  This thing goes on for more than a week, so we may not even need to go grocery shopping for the rest of the month.  We'll just eat delicious Fair Food.  I'll probably need to go up a size in jeans by the end of it, but it will totally be worth it.  The State Fair of Texas is also going on this weekend up in Dallas and they are going to have fried beer.  I give you my solemn promise that if my county fair has fried beer, I will try it and report back to you.

There is also a rodeo.  There are some warm-up act rodeos, apparently with lesser rodeo-ers, and then there is a real rodeo with professionals.  Because that is a job.  Apparently.

Everywhere in this country, children say that want to be cowboys and cowgirls when they grow up.  Pretty much everywhere non-Texas, adults will chuckle and pat them on their addled little noggins.  But not here.  Because here in Texas, you can really grow up to be a cowboy.  Or at least a guy who gets some money to ride an animal that clearly would prefer to be left alone.

21 comments:

  1. Have a great time! Make sure to eat a fried twinkie or fried cotton candy for me! Thanks!

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  2. Fair day sounds like fun. Gadget Guy won't go to the fair here in Phoenix because it's too crowded and too expensive. I think he is no fun. Besides, where else can you get fried snickers and twinkies at?

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  3. All this talk of fried food has me reaching for the Prilosec as a preemptive strike on your behalf.

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  4. As a PA friend I can assure you that you will LOVE the rodeo!! I went to one in Houston - BY MY SELF and drank a big old beer and loved it! The clowns are not scary either. They wear cowboy work wear and paint their face and their sole job is to distract the big bulls and save cowboys...I had zero interaction with them...which is awesome because clowns are superfreaky!

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  5. @Losing Brownies -- I kind of agree with Gadget Guy but my love of fried foods outweighs my fear of crowds.

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  6. @Brianne -- Thanks for the info about the rodeo clowns. I will tell Little Dude. We are also going to take two cars in case he freaks out about any of it.

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  7. Clowns are super duper scary. My kids afraid of costumed folks of any kind, including the Easter Bunny and Santa. Autism has gotten us out of some awesome parenting events. Even the Tooth Fairy is off-limits because STRANGERS IN THE HOUSE. I love me some autism.

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  8. What in the friggin' frack are fried frozen margaritas???? I'm FROM Texas and I never experienced that level of heaven.

    Maybe you could tell Little Dude that the rodeo clowns are the superheroes of the rodeo world. They keep the cowboys from getting trampled by using Jedi mind tricks on the bulls. Maybe that'll make them less scary and more cool.

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  9. Just reading this post is clogging my arteries. Texans apparently have discovered the secrets of frying and now nothing is safe

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  10. @Woman in transition -- http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/082610dnmetstatefair.8afa26cc.html

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  11. We live in Austin and will be heading up to the State Fair in Dallas this weekend. (Yes, we are braving the State Fair on opening weekend.)But like you said, my interest in all the fried food outweighs my dislike of crowds. I plan on trying the "Best Taste" winner this year - Fried Frito Pie and will try to get some of the Fried Beer and report back to you. Belly ache, here we come!!

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  12. I am so super jealous of you right now. Seriously. I grew up in a small town in GA and we had our own local fair this time every year. I think I went every day! And our marching band [yep, I was a band nerd] hosted a rodeo at the high school every year. Good times, Good times. LOL Have as much fun as you can and enjoy all that fried goodness.

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  13. Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys - or Cowboy fans for that matter. :) I am anxiously awaiting the fried beer report!!

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  14. Ok, I am really freaked out by that Toddler's & Tiaras picture. I'm trying to convince myself those are NOT real little girls in that picture and instead they are robots that are dressed like little girls...look even the one in the orange dress is doing the robot dance!!!

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  15. @Samantha, that was not even the creepiest Toddlers & Tiaras photo. Not by a loooong shot. I chose that one because it's not a close-up of any of the children's faces. I didn't really want to contribute to the over-exposure of those poor little pumpkins. But if you Google "Toddlers & Tiaras" under images, you'll see what I mean. They're like babies with Barbie heads stuck on top.

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  16. Oh SRMM...just you wait until Houston hosts the annual Live Stock Show and Rodeo. You can get all the fried food you could want, amazing rodeo shows, staggering livestock exhibits, vendors that sell everything under the sun that you can put rhinestones on (aka Bedazzler heaven,)the most awesome petting zoos, more bunny rabbits that you ever thought possible and then top off the night with a concert by the Black Eye Peas. I do love my Peas. I can hardly wait...and that is NOT sarcasm.

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  17. I suggest the deep fried snickers. Yum! They really have figured out how to fry everything in Texas.

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  18. Ok, I think you definitely need to meet up with Jenny, The Bloggess since you both live in Houston and both like chupacabras :) That would be awesome!

    Corinne

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  19. @Corinne -- That would indeed be beyond awesome. I think she moved out to the Hill Country, though, where apparently there are more chupacabras to be found. Not that I stalk the Bloggess or anything. Has anyone seen my night goggles?

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