Oh, Dina. Check the Oompa Loompa in the Mirror

There's been a rash of blaming in the news lately.  Dina Lohan, in all her orange-hued glory, got a lot of press for blaming the paparazzi a judge everyone but herself for her daughter Lindsay's drug and alcohol-related jail time.  I guess it's easier to blame someone else for your child's poor behavior, than to take a look at the Oompa Loompa in the mirror.

Dina Lohan went on the Today show on Friday and blamed Lindsay's current mess on "propaganda," the tabloids, the state of California,  and pretty much everything and everyone but Lindsay.  It seems that almost the entire situation can be blamed on one particular hardball-playing judge, who has now recused himself.  Recused.  Dina seemed pretty proud of herself for mastering that new vocab word.

Granted, Lindsay is now a grown woman, but perhaps she would have had a better chance at moral character if her mom had taken a moment away from the spray-tan booth to, I don't know, read a book to her.  Perhaps a childhood favorite like Goodnight Moon or The Cat in The Hat or Ned Learns to Say No: A Lesson About Drugs or something.  Also, it's hard to lecture your daughter on the dangers of drugs and alcohol when you're out partying with her.  I know this from personal experience: when I was fourteen, my mother put drinks on my tab at a local bar.  (I also know that pretty much everything in that last sentence is completely wrong.)

In Arizona last week, a group of parents sued their school district to prevent five teenagers from being suspended.  They were suspended for drinking beer while on a trip to China this summer.  The students, members of the school's Jazz Bog Band and Wind Symphony (I am not making that up) all admitted to drinking the beer.  The parents said the punishment wasn't fair because the district "failed to properly supervise the students."

Listen, if one of my kids is ever suspended from school for drinking beer on a field trip, I'm going to be all, "That's right, and you're grounded forevah."  Also, the suspended child will not be spending those suspended days watching Jersey Shore reruns and eating all the Doritos in the house.  He or she will use that time clean up vomit at the nearest alcohol treatment facility while listening to an endless loop of "Achy Breaky Heart" on a Walkman.  Do you hear me, young lady?  A Walkman! (Note to my readers born after 1980: a Walkman was a personal listening device for music, back in the Ye Olden Days before iPods.  They played cassette tapes, which contained small reels of plastic ribbon -- oh, never mind.  It's too weird and complicated.  Just trust me.  It will be humiliating.)

Last month, my favorite buzzkills, the Center for Science in the Public Interest threatened to sue McDonald's because putting toys in Happy Meals contributes to childhood obesity.  They said the toys sucker in the kids with deceptive marketing and the parents have to listen to the pestering.  Um, actually?  The toys are the part that aren't causing obesity.  Those crappy little plastic McToys are calorie-free, generally speaking.  Even more importantly, you don't have to listen to the pestering.  They are children.  You are in charge.

Also? As in the case of skanktastic children's clothing, overweight children are not driving themselves to McDonald's and ponying up tooth fairy money for the Happy Meals.  Here's a thought: if you are concerned about your child's weight, don't go to McDonald's.  Or go to McDonald's and get the apples instead of the fries. And the milk instead of the soda.  But mostly, stop blaming McDonald's that you can't say no to your kid when he asks for the GigantiSize Coke and the second third order of fries.

McDonald's is also under the gun from a group called Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood for using "violent" Marvel comics characters as Happy Meal Toys.  They are particularly concerned about Spiderman's friend the Human Torch, or as the CCFC put it, "the horrifying spectacle of a man on fire."  We recently went to McDonald's and Little Dude happened to get this very toy.  It has a tiny light inside that makes it glow when you press a button.  He played with it for a while and now it's lost in the rest of the crap wedged into his carseat.  I will admit that the amount of crap in my van is a horrifying spectacle. Also terrifying: Spiderman's cheap plastic suction cup hands may not actually stick to your refrigerator.  Bummer.

Clearly, these people are placing too much importance on these toys.  Yes, we eat at McDonald's sometimes.  More often when we're driving across the country and our choice is between the golden arches and Uncle Creepy's Roadside Wiener Shack.   However, we don't keep the McToys for very long.  They get put in the McTrash while the kids are McSleeping.

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Update: Turns out it's Fiesta de Dina Lohan Day in the blogging universe.  Because crazy writes itself.  Want more Dina?  See my friends Mom-in-a-Million and Minky Moo.