My Weekend Shopping: Vodka, Enemas, and Untamed Va-Jay-Jays

I went out this weekend for a Day of Leisure with my only Texan friend, whom we'll call Peggy Sue, because it was good enough for Buddy Holly, and that's all I need.  Our Day of Leisure was not quite the spa day one might imagine. It was more like trolling through consignment shops and eating lunch at Five Guys. 

At Five Guys, we met some cool women who happened to be deaf.  And Peggy Sue happens to be a translator for the deaf.  And so I got to learn some sign language, which was so cool.  All the other Five Guys patrons were totally jealous, and for once in my life I felt like I was sitting at the cool kids' table.

We had to stop to buy vodka, because I was out of vodka, and that wasn't going to be good for anyone. Just so you don't think I'm developing a problem, you should know that I had actually only gone through one bottle of vodka in the entire time we've lived in our new house, which is now almost six months.  We also had to stop at the pharmacy because I needed lipstick and pediatric enemas.

To recap: If you spend the day with Peggy Sue, you will meet cool, interesting people and learn a new language. If you spend the day with stark. raving. mad. mommy., you will shop for used clothing, vodka, lipstick, and pediatric enemas.  I cannot believe she agrees to hang out with me, but she does.

Another thing that might happen if you spend the day with me, is that I will see the words "va-jay-jay" and "style" in the same headline on the cover of Cosmo, and start reading the article out loud.  (I swear there were no kids around.) 

I don't normally read Cosmo.  In fact, I pretty much don't buy magazines at all anymore because I am too poor, too cheap, and too easily annoyed.  I used to read Cosmo sometimes at the drugstore while waiting for my anxiety asthma meds, but I had to stop even that when I saw a headline that screamed about "What Men Want In Bed Now!" All I could think was, "What the hell do they want now?"

But then I saw this month's cover.  And it was so hilarious, I had to buy it, so that I could tell you about it and save you the $4.50.

This month's cover hollers, "Untamed Va-jay-jays: Guess What Sexy Style Is Back."  I had no idea that there were pubic hairstyle trends, but there are.  Trends, people.  And if by untamed they mean not giving a damn unless it's a pool day, then I am all kinds of trendy right now.

I know a few of my friends get ::shudder:: Brazilian waxes.  Personally, I find that I have enough surprisingly painful things happen to me that I don't really need to also pay a stranger to rip hairs out of very sensitive parts of my body.  Also, I'm a little skeeved out by the whole looking-like-a-five-year-old scene.  But, you know, whatev.  To each her own.

Also, I had heard about vajazzling, because Jennifer Love Hewitt made a weird announcement about that on national television, chirping about how her crotch shines like a disco ball.  I had heard about vajazzling, but I was mistaken about what it is.  I thought maybe it was a couple of glued-on rhinestones, kind of like a Troll Doll, only sluttier.  Or maybe even a small design, kind of like the iron-on Hello Kitty transfers you can get at the craft stores. And I thought the stuff would get glued on, um, slightly higher up.

I was only half-right.  You can get those, but if you want Jennifer Love Hewitt's "disco ball" look, you need to think more in terms of pavé.  All over the place.  Which is why you need the Brazilian in order to do it.

But vajazzling may be old news to you.  Don't worry, there are lots more new product options available to today's Cosmo Girl.  There is makeup.  Makeup.  A "simple-to-use genital cosmetic colorant."  I had to look that up online in case the fine journalists at Cosmo had been huffing spray tan fumes.  In fact, the website for My Pink Button proudly proclaims that their product is "a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia."  The Internet is a weird, wild place, my friends.  Also?  I feel like slapping the evil anti-aging marketer who decided to give women yet another thing to feel insecure about.  Doesn't it seem like we have enough to worrying about without fearing that our labia has lost its youthful glow?

There are also leopard-print panty liners. And something called a Cuchini that helps prevent camel-toe.  Since jeans are now being sold so tight they're called jeggings, I can see how that could become a fashion essential.

And there's hairstyling.  Apparently the Brazilian is so ten minutes ago, it's now considered more shocking to leave some hair there.  So all of a sudden I felt uber trendy, until I realized Cosmo doesn't mean all of it or anything.  It turns out that Cosmo's "untamed" sexy style still means waxed and trimmed and possibly highlighted by a professional stylist named Jacque-Paul.

All this seems like a lot of work.  I definitely can't get this kind of stuff done in the four minutes I have in the shower before someone starts banging on the door, crying that no one will play Lego Star Wars with him.  And all I usually do with the hair on my head is wash it and comb it.  I also have a history of allergies, so I can't imagine the reaction I might have to vajazzling glue and labia dye.  (That can't be a fun conversation with the ER nurse.  "So, my labia had lost its youthful glow, and ...")

Plus, professional vajazzling is really not in our budget right now and DIY vajazzling sounds like a recipe for ending up looking like one of those freakish craft projects on Regretsy. 

I think I'll just stick to my sexy old style.  And by sexy old style, I mean not giving a damn unless it's a pool day.