Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy., Please Help My Marriage

Tomorrow is the fifteenth anniversary of my marriage to the Absent-Minded Professor.  To celebrate, I thought I'd share some words of wisdom and answer some more totally made-up legitimate Reader Questions.

Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy.,
My husband has so many annoying habits.  He leaves wet towels on the floor, cleans his ears with my bobby pins, and will step right over the laundry basket on his way up the stairs.  He farts, makes all kinds of weird throat-clearing noises, burps, and blows his nose in the shower even when we're showering together.  He doesn't know where anything is even though we've lived here for twelve freaking years and they've always been in the same place.  I love him but he's driving me crazy.
   ~ Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,
Does your husband also have a habit of picking up strange women in Internet chatrooms?  Or a habit of losing your life savings at the slots?  Or a habit of shooting up heroin?  No?  Okay, then: maybe his habits aren't so bad.  Because I have news for you: you have annoying habits too.  You just don't realize it.  You leave coffee cups lying around.  You snore but deny it.  You make him eat whole-wheat pasta instead of the white kind.  You take 45 minutes in the shower and another 45 minutes to do your hair.  You drive him bonkers. 

Trust me.  I do all kinds of weird stuff that I know makes the Absent-Minded Professor nuts.  I have have handed him a stinky-diapered baby the second he walked in from work, and announced "I have to leave now.  It's for everyone's safety."  I make these totally OCD lists of stuff that needs to get done and then spazz out about The List all Saturday.  I have a habit of referring to microwavable macaroni as "that hot meal I slaved over all day."  I have tremendous anxiety about being late for things but I suck at giving directions.

Regarding the weird noises and smells that emanate from your man, well ... he's a guy.  It's what they do.  They're hairy and sweaty.  If he was hairless and smelled like Love's Baby Soft, it would totally freak you out.  Listen, if he stinks all the time, buy him new soap and tell him the scent of Dial makes you hot.  Otherwise, enjoy the manliness.  One note: Yes, blowing his nose in the shower when you're showering together is pretty gross.  But, kudos to you for showering together.  You go, Hot Mom!  Just tell him to stop because it kind of turns your off.  He. Will. Stop.

Also? Maybe your system for putting things away sucks. Maybe his makes more sense. Maybe you should let him put away the groceries next time.  You can put your feet up and read my old blog posts. They will totally cheer you up.

xoxo,
Mommy

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Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy.,

I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I left a pretty decent career to be at home with our three children, and although I wouldn't have it any other way, I miss the pats on the back I got at work.  I feel like my husband takes me for granted and doesn't really appreciate what I do.  Once he came home and actually asked, "what did you do all day?"  I didn't kill him, but it really bummed me out.

    ~ Bummed Out

Dear Bummed Out,

First: Yay for not killing him!  Because it's really hard to be a good mom to your kids while you're in jail.

Second: Okay, actually? This is actually an easy one.  There are two things you need to do.  One: For God's sake, just tell your husband.  Tell him it makes you feel good when he tells you you're doing a good job.  If your husband told you it makes him feel good when you say "thank you" to him for providing for a family of five, wouldn't you do it?  (p.s.: Do it.)  Also, tell him you need help.  But be specific.  Because he is not psychic and possibly you yelled at him yesterday for doing the dishes "wrong."  Also, if you aren't explicit about what you need help with, you will find that he has gone shopping and bought five cases of Chef Boy-R-Dee when you really needed him to put away laundry.

Yes, maybe it's annoying to point out exactly what needs to be done.  However, it's far better to ask then to sit there stewing about it while you're still folding laundry at 11:30 p.m.  Some guys are into cleaning, but I swear most of them just don't see the mess.  Or they see it, but it doesn't bother them.  It's like a form of color-blindness.

Two: Take a break.  Explain to your husband that you're starting to go stark raving mad and that if you don't take a day off, you're going end up needing expensive psychiatric care.  Plan yourself a nice long Saturday out of the house.  Leave your cell phone at home. If there's a true emergency, he needs to call 911 anyway, not you.  If your husband hasn't ever had any quality solo time with the kids, he'll sure appreciate you after a day alone with them.  What's that you say?  You're a control freak afraid he won't take quite as good care of the kids as you do?  Get over yourself.  Maybe the kids will be covered in sweet potato when you get home, but you'll have had a break.

xoxo,

Mommy

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Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy.,

I think my husband is having a mid-life crisis.  He bought a motorcycle and wants to get hair transplants.  Also, he has started working out.  His abs are starting to look hot, which is nice, but I'm worried that he's trying to make himself attractive for someone else.  Also?  I'm stressed and exhausted.  When do I get to have my mid-life crisis?

   ~ Worried

Dear Worried,

You know, that's a tough one.  I've seen this situation go either way in friends' marriages.  It's totally possible that he's having some kind of mid-life crisis, but that does not necessarily mean he's trying to become more attractive for someone else.

My best advice: line up any willing babysitter(s), and suggest to your hubby that you guys take a short vacation away from the kids.  I know you think you don't have anyone who will watch the kids overnight, but you do.  If you 'fess up that you're afraid for your marriage, even the lousiest of friends will help out.  I know you think that you don't have the money for a vacation, but believe me, divorce is more expensive.  It doesn't matter if you stay in the seediest motel and eat dinner at McDonald's.

My friend's little daughter once innocently mispronounced that her parents were going on a f**kation, and my friend was like: exactly.  (By the way, I know I said I wouldn't swear in this blog, but seriously, sometimes you just need a f**kation.)

So, anyway, suggest to your husband that you take a little f**kation.  If he shrugs and isn't interested, get a lawyer.

If his eyes light up and he grins with glee, all is well.  He  may be freaking out about getting older, but you just made him feel like a stud.  He's probably just working out to try to be healthier, and maybe even to look better for you. 

xoxo,
Mommy

p.s. This totally underground band aki iro has a brilliant song called "Endure" about a guy having a mid-life crisis.  If you are really into Carrie Underwood, you probably won't dig it too much, but if you're into Liz Phair and Beck, you will love it.  You can listen to it for free at http://akiiro.net/.  On the left-hand side of the screen, you can click to listen to any of the songs.  "Endure" is the last one in the list.  A year from now when your teenage babysitter is raving about this hot new band aki iro, you can be all, "yeah, I'm really into their older stuff."