Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy., Please Help Me.

Recently I've received some emails from readers asking my advice on all sorts of parenting and housekeeping questions.  It's disturbing flattering that anyone would seek advice from someone clearly in need of a higher dose of medication me.  I'll do my best to provide helpful answers to your most pressing problems without making fun of anyone too much.  Except maybe the people who make the Man-Spanx undershirts.

Dear stark. raving. mad. mommmy.,

I enjoyed making the homemade laundry soap you suggested. Do you have any crafty, cheap suggestions on how to get the yellow sweat stains out of my husband’s undershirts?

    ~ I Hate Laundry

Dear I Hate Laundry,

I sure do! Here’s my time-saving tip: stop caring about pit stains. Absorbing funk is the whole point of the undershirt. Men’s sweat contains carbolic acid or something and there is just no getting that yellowness out. I am 99.9 percent sure that your husband doesn’t give a rat’s patootie about his pit stains, so why should you?

If you happen to be married to that one freak who cares about that stuff, tell him to go buy himself some new t-shirts and do the wash himself because he’s a grown man and you’re his wife, not his mother, for God’s sake.

If your hubby pitches a nutty and acts like he can't manage to buy his own undershirts, then buy him some of the new body-sculpting undershirts for men.  They're basically Man-Spanx.  After that, he'll either buy his own Hanes or he'll look awesome.  Either way, it's a win for you.

xoxo,
Mommy
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Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy.,

We’re moving to a new state this month and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to make friends in a new town.
    ~ Packing

Dear Packing,

Sure, I’ve got lots of suggestions. My first suggestion is to mold yourself to whatever standard is expected in your new town. Whatever you do, do not just be yourself. If you want to become one of the Popular Girls part of the PTA, you’ll want to study what they’re wearing, watching, and saying, and just copy that. That’s a sure-fire trick to making lots of friends.

Another method is to actually take your mother’s advice and just be yourself. Throw it all out there: bring a flask of whiskey to the PTA meeting, offend everyone possible, and wear your pajamas to the store. That way, the one person who actually does want to be your friend will be awesome.

The other method, which has been particularly successful for me, is to start a blog, wait several weeks until you’ve gained a following, and then desperately beg any readers in your area to hang out with you. That way you can go out on blind dates with complete strangers. It turns out the women who are willing to do this are ballsy and funny and totally awesome.

Good luck with your move! Packing goes faster if you just throw everything out.

xoxo,
Mommy
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Dear stark. raving. mad. mommy.,

My boy/girl twins are three and still not potty-trained. My mother-in-law says that all her kids were out of diapers before they were two! Are my kids developmentally delayed?

    ~ Stressed

Dear Stressed,

I’m not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV. But if your kids are meeting all their other milestones in an age-appropriate way, they’re probably not delayed. There is a huge range in terms of what's normal.  Apparently 25 percent of boys are still not potty-trained at the age of four.  At least that's what I keep telling myself. 

On the other hand, lots of people like to give you hope and encouragement by saying things like, "Don't worry, no one ever graduated from high school still in diapers."  Okay, first of all?  I'm sure someone did.  Secondly? It's looking more and more like my son might be that guy.  I used to worry about him getting trained before preschool.  I've thrown that worry out the window and now pray he'll be trained before Kindergarten.

But back to your main concern:  I have a theory on why every grandmother says their kids were out of diapers by age two.  First, it's because they were all using cloth diapers and couldn't stand washing those diapers out for one. more. second.  Second, it's because they put the kids in thick cotton underwear with something called "rubber pants" on over the underwear.  I know that sounds like some kind of weird fetish that would be featured on HBO's Real Sex, but apparently it was the 1960's equivalent to Pull-Ups.  Listen up, oldsters: if your child was wearing rubber pants, you were either shopping at that skeezy "adult boutique" off the highway, or your child was simply not potty-trained yet. 

The next time someone tells you when their child was "out of diapers," ask when that child was self-sufficiently going to the bathroom on his own, wiping properly, and washing his hands.  And if the answer's not five or six years old, they just don't remember.

xoxo,
Mommy