Dear Paris Hilton

Dear Paris,

Obviously, I'm shocked and saddened to see that you were arrested on charges of possession of cocaine this weekend in Las Vegas.  Mostly because it disproves the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" ads, and it always makes me sad when advertisements lie.  But also because, now who will I tell my daughters to look up to?

I was totally planning on having my daughters grow up to be just like you.  Except that I don't have millions of dollars to hand them on a silver platter. But still, a mom can dream, can't she?

You had always seemed like such an excellent role model.  Sure, you've had a few several run-ins with the law.  And for you, drugs and driving seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly.  Or like hotel heiresses and sex tapes.  Bimbos and reality TV.  It's a shame, because sometimes you make such good decisions.

Marketing Paris Hilton dolls in Germany, for example.  Excellent decision.  I mean, those people like David Hasselhoff's music, so presumably they will go bonkers for your dolls.  And designing a line of children's clothing.  That's a can't-lose business proposition right there.  Certainly, every mom I know wants to dress her  daughter in gold sequins for First Communion.

You've also shown that you're obviously just pretending to be a complete moron.  Really, I think you're brilliant.  When you were arrested in South Africa in July, you had the best excuse: you said it wasn't your dope.  This time, when police officers found a vial of cocaine in your purse, you said it wasn't yours.

That, my friend, is some quick thinking.  Awesome excuse.  The fact that you're still using the "holding it for a friend line" like a 14-year-old caught with cigarettes is mind-blowing.  Possibly your mother deserves a slap upside the head for letting you get away with that kind of stuff your whole life, but that's beside the point.    

Another example of your great decision-making capabilities: early on, you learned that you had a "good side" for the cameras.  You almost always turn your head to hide that wonky eye of yours.  Very clever.  It took me forever to figure out that something was actually wrong with your face.  For the longest time I thought you were just too stupid to wink correctly.

You are so good at posing for the camera that even your many, many mugshots look great.  Your side-swept hair in your 2007 mugshot is slightly over-sprayed for the setting, I think, but overall I think the look is just right for a probation violation.  Your 'do in your most recent arrest is much less polished, more "beachy."  This seems like a perfect choice for an arrest that happened because police officers saw a plume of pot smoke coming from your car.

Also, you are awesome at keeping yourself in the limelight while contributing nothing of value to society.  You just keep on keepin' on with your seemingly-endless 15 minutes of fame.  I wish I could get that kind of publicity for my blog, but happily for everyone, I don't have any sex tapes to leak to the press.  It's also unlikely that I'll get pulled over for leaving a trail of pot smoke behind my minivan.  Maybe a cop will notice a trail of juice boxes and Goldfish crumbs, but we try to pick up after ourselves. In any case, I don't think that headline would garner much publicity: "Mommy Blog Writer Has Sticky Van; Judge Orders Detailing and Disinfectant."

So you go, girl.  Keep on being a total train wreck.  Because you're teaching my kids the best lesson of all: money doesn't buy happiness.  It also doesn't buy the ability to keep your pants on, string a coherent sentence together, or keep out of trouble.  So you're actually setting an excellent example for my kids.  Thanks!

Loves it.

xoxo,
stark. raving. mad. mommy.