Top Ten Disaster Survival Essentials (for Parents)

Well, Hurricane Alex has been kind of a bust here in our neck of the woods.  I got all stocked up on shelf-stable milk, Doritos, and Xanax for nothing.  Well, not nothing.  We've been cooped up in the house for two days with nothing but gray rain to stare at, so we pay-per-viewed a movie and ate the Doritos.  And there's never a bad time for Xanax.

I live in Texas, where we're advised to have a plenty of supplies on hand in case there's a dire emergency like a hurricane or a tornado or running out of Blue Bell ice cream.  The Red Cross has all kinds of suggestions for things that should be in the emergency kit: medications, bottled water, canned food.  Yes.  You'll survive.  But you'll be heading right from the Red Cross shelter to Bonkersville Institute. We all go a little batty after being stuck inside for an eternity a few days.  If you want to get through an emergency without going stark. raving. mad., you might need a few more things.

These supplies will be helpful during hurricanes, blizzards, rainy days, or on those horrible days when you are too sick to move, but the parenting show must go on.

Top Ten Disaster Survival Essentials for Parents:

10.  Ice pack. Kids get banged up; so do parents. It turns out that parenting a child on the autism spectrum has its own dangers.  (Oh, sure.  There's plenty of dangers for him.  Stereotyping, bullies, developmental delays.  Plenty.  But what I need to focus on here are the dangers to everyone else.)  When Little Dude is kept cooped up in the house for too long, things start to fly.  And right now the Absent-Minded Professor is icing his forehead after taking yet another Lego Death Star to the skull at point blank range.

9. Chocolate. Again, this is for you, not the kids. I'm a big fan of always keeping a hidden stash of chocolate behind the cans of beef broth. Just to have a little something to take the edge off. And you don't have to share.

8. Benadryl.  As many of you know, Benadryl is the drug of choice for me and my kids.  After being inside the house all day, they are not quite as tuckered out at bedtime as they normally would be.  Let's just say that the Young Carnivores may have an "allergic reaction" tonight that requires treatment.  (Note: Test this first.  Some kids get even more jacked up on Benadryl.) (Second Note: You may see us in an upcoming episode of Intervention.  Or possibly ABC will bring back the After School Special.) (Third Note: Kids, stay in school. You can read more about Benadryl at your local library.)

7.  A Video. One they've never seen.  Next time you're in Walmart and passing by that bin of $1.97 movies, go ahead and grab a copy of Ernest Goes to Camp or whatever.  You don't need fine cinema.  Just something fresh.  Because they've either already seen or already destroyed all the movies in your house.  Keep the video for an emergency, so that you can board up the windows or pile sandbags by the creek or lie on the couch and check Facebook for a while. (Warning: When you're pawing through that bin of cheap DVDs, skip over Watership Down.  Those are some scary, scary bunnies.)

6. A Source of Caffeine. Oh my gosh, what if the power goes out?  Yeah, yeah, get flashlights and candles and canned stew.  But also get a source of caffeine that doesn't require the coffee maker to be plugged in.  Because no one is happy when Mommy's got a caffeine headache.  I usually enjoy diet Coke with lime, but I find the diet cherry Coke, if you can find it, to be more "breakfasty."

5. Tylenol.  Or aspirin.  Or Anacin 3.  Or whatever it is you take when all the kids are playing "light sabers" with vacuum cleaner parts.  My choice was Tylenol when the girls were all screaming about which ones could be Jedis and which ones had to be the padawans; on top of that noise, Little Dude was screeching "YOU'RE NOT LISTERING TO ME!"

4. A Cellphone with Facebook Access.  Because Facebook is like internet crack and you'll go into withdrawal without it.  And otherwise how will you make snarky comments to your friends about how delighted you are that your neighbor's fugly gazebo just blew away in the wind?  Even more importantly, my dear readers, I'd like you to keep reading my blog even if your house has landed right on the Wicked Witch of the East.

3. Pet Supplies.  Don't forget about Fluffy!  Because if you have a pet and you run out of pet food, it's not just cruel ... it's super-annoying.  You will end up giving your cat canned salmon and/or the cat will meow at you incessantly.  And your dog will steal an entire bag of Doritos and have tummy troubles which will require taking him out more often than you'd care to during gale-force winds.

2. Small Tool Kit. By which I mean Duct Tape and Febreeze. Because moms can solve almost any problem with just these two items.  MacGyver would also need a ball-point pen and a paper clip, but not moms.  We're good with just the duct tape and Febreeze.  Tool kit of the gods.  If you have a little more room, a roll of tinfoil is handy for the kids to use as sculpting material. (See Cookie's use of tinfoil to make shoes during the whole Swine Flu debacle.)

1. Plan of Escape. This could be as simple as knowing which roads turn into one-way evacuation roads, or as complicated as knowing exactly which roads are likely to be flooded between your house and the nearest Target.  Because we're out of Blue Bell, y'all, and we need to get out of this freaking house tomorrow.