Products I Hate

The Absent-Minded Professor and I are frugal, which is a nice way of saying that we can squeeze a nickel so hard the buffalo, um, defecates.

I'll spend money on certain things.  I like name-brand mustard, for example.  And God knows I'm not giving up diet Coke, evah.  That's what we call a "quality of life issue."  Recently someone on my blog's Facebook page pointed out that diet Coke has something in it that turns into formaldehyde ("common embalming fluid") inside my body and advised that I "kick the diet Coke habit."  You know what?  Embalming fluid is delicious.  And it keeps me awake.  Which, in turn, keeps me from veering off the road and accidentally smashing into that group of anti-diet Coke demonstrators over there.  So I will continue to spend our hard-earned money on diet Coke.  Really, it's best for everyone this way.

But most things?  Cheapy cheap cheap.  Fortunately, this works out well because we have six mouths to feed on one income.

Here are some prime examples of things I wouldn't spend money on even if I was rolling in money.

Huggies faux-denim diapers.  If Little Dude were 13 months old and just learning to walk, I'd probably think these were a riot and buy one pack. I'd being taking pictures of him in jean diapers and Pop-Pop's cowboy hat.  But now? the last thing our potty-training efforts need is an even more attractive diaper.  Also, these things are twice the price of regular diapers.  And while I enjoy the semi-creepy commercial, I'm not spending that kind of money on something that is literally going to be pooped in and disposed of. 

Pixos, Paperoni, or Pretty Much Anything Made by Spinmaster. I have learned my lesson with this stuff. (Moon Sand, I'm looking at you.)  These types of things are an exercise in frustration, even for my kids without fine motor skill delays. The children they show making the suggested designs are not actual children.  They are 40-year-old Little People with Masters of Fine Arts degrees in Sculpture.  I'm not blaming the artists; when you're a struggling sculptor waiting for the MOMA to notice you, you still need cash to buy art supplies and incense sticks and Doc Martens and whatnot.  And I'm happy to see Little People getting work on television that does not involve Spike TV's Half Pint Brawlers.  I'm just saying that Spinmaster's kits are best utilized under the direct supervision of an accredited Occupational Therapist.  Plus, if Spinmaster thinks I've forgotten about the Aqua Dots debacle, they're out of their crafty little minds.

Laundry Detergent.  Back in the days before we had kids, I bought regular laundry detergent.  Sometimes I splurged on fancy laundry detergent that made my towels smell like Italian Citrus or whatever.  Now I have one less income and four kids who are sensitive to scented laundry products.  Plus, anything called Paris Rain is probably not going to cut it when it comes to the funkification that is my children's underwear.  Those things require hard-core detergent, bleach, and/or battery acid.  For years I bought the dye-free, scent-free detergents, until one day I watched the Duggar family make their own laundry detergent.  I know a lot of people think they're crazy, but I covet their Laundromat-huge laundry room.  So now every six months I get all Little House in the Suburbs and make my own laundry soap. For an investment of 30 minutes and two bucks, I get to feel virtuous and organized every time I stroll past that aisle in the grocery store.  There is literally no other time during which I feel either virtuous or organized.

"Kid Food." According to the buzzkills over at the Center for Science in the Public Interest, 80 percent of the food advertised on Nickelodeon is unhealthy.  Don't get me wrong, we do eat some junk food here and there. (Doritos, anyone?)  And this whole road trip / vacation has been an ode to fast food.  But crap-tastic foods like Super Sugar Spazz cereal and Lil' Salty's Toddler Meat Stix?  No way.  Yes, it annoys me that most of the foods targeted specifically at children are consistently over-sugared, over-salted, and high in fat.  But what really galls me is being expected to pay $4 for a box of toddler heart attack.