Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Normal Weirdness: The Naked Girls

We're on the last leg of our Pennsylvania adventure, and staying with another twin mommy friend of mine.  Her identical twin girls are four and have recently developed a sense of modesty.  Except for the times when they run around naked.  Yesterday they suggested a "Naked Fashion Show," and even my crazy kids were like, "uh, no thanks."

So of course my friend is concerned that her daughters are going to grow up to be pole dancers or something.  I reassured her that at least in the case of the Young Carnivores, the naked vs. modest tug-of-war is normal at age four, and just continues on and on as they get older.  I'm sure some day my children will stop thinking that it's great fun to leap down the hall naked on the way to the shower.  I'm really hoping it's before they move into a college dorm. 

The thing is, one minute they're leaping around naked, and the next minute they're screaming at Little Dude for walking in on them while getting changed.  Little Dude also wants privacy while getting changed.  After a bath, though, he's completely fine with scampering about au naturel.  You know how when you give a puppy a bath they get all crazy and frisky?  He's exactly like that, except puppies have fur and Little Dude just has one of those hooded towels that makes him look like a little duck.  He has totally outgrown the duck towel so it's more like a duck hat with a short capelet attached.  Also, we've had the duck towels since Cookie and the Pork Lo Maniac were born, and they're so worn it's like trying to dry off with a pillowcase.

(Wait.  I totally just realized that I could get a couple black towels and make him a hooded Darth Vader towel.  How awesome would that be?  Luuuuke.  I am your towellllll.)

Back to the naked business.  When Cookie and the Pork Lo Maniac were just barely two years old, they freaking loved to get naked.  If I asked them to get undressed at bedtime, it took forevah and they had trouble with buttons and whatnot.   But if I left the room for 30 seconds to switch out the laundry, they would be stark naked upon my return.  It was like the Fine Motor Skill Fairy had magically appeared while I was cleaning the dryer lint trap.  Or they had gone through Superman's phone booth.  They were like two tiny little naked superheroes.  They were The Naked Girls.

At one point I decided to put them in overalls all the time to at least give them a challenge. FAIL. You know how you can take off your bra without taking off your shirt? They could do a similar maneuver with their diapers.  This was actually worse because I thought they were fully dressed, but really they were just going commando.  Which is not good when you're not potty-trained.  So I gave up on the overalls and went back to pants and shirts, and they went back to being the Naked Girls. 

Now, I'm all about body confidence and having less clothes to wash.  However, I need to point out again that they were not potty-trained at that time.  Nowhere near it.  So if they were naked, they would just pee wherever they were.  For pooping, they would hide somewhere like behind the couch.  This made me wonder why the hell they couldn't hide somewhere like the bathroom, specifically on the toilet, when it was time to poop.

One time I was on the phone with my friend Anne, and I could barely concentrate on the conversation because there was a suspicious smell in my living room.  Eventually I blurted out "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?" and started hunting through the house, still on the phone.  Poor Anne.  Finally I found it, and this is what Anne heard:

"Gaaaaah!  There is a poop exactly in the middle of a pillow, between the couch and the wall.  What the hell is wrong with these little creatures?  They're like wild animals.  This is not a goddamn forest!  This is my house!"

Actually, what Anne heard probably had a lot of swears in it, but that was the general gist of things.  I had to throw out my new accent pillow.  Sigh ... I just can't have nice things.  Because people poop on them.

After that, I started getting serious.  An incredibly wise triplet mom gave me some awesome advice: duct tape.  (Oh duct tape, is there no problem you can't solve?)  Basically the idea is that you duct tape all around the diaper like a belt.  I mean, you don't tape anything to your baby's skin or anything.  Because that would be weird.  No, you just tape all around the diaper, covering up the Velcro tabs.  To remove the diaper, carefully cut the tape using those snub-nosed nail scissors that came with the baby "grooming kit" that you never use because you're too scared to cut their tiny little kitten claws fingernails with any scissors, even snub-nosed ones.

Here's another important tip about the duct tape diaper belt: duct tape comes in white.  Use that one.  Because when your little munchkin bends over at the playground, that traditional gray duct tape is really noticeable.  It's particularly noticeable by those eagle-eyed Perfect Moms who have Perfect Kids who have actually never been naked (except for that one brief moment after birth until the baby was slipped into a tiny Lily Pulitzer dress).

As a side note, If you happen to have one of those kids that doesn't love to be naked, don't worry.  That's apparently normal too.  The Peanut Butter Kid was never super into being naked.  She was too busy gnawing on wooden furniture to worry about being naked.  Seriously.  As a baby she chewed on the crib rail, and then she moved on to chewing on windowsills, the banister, and the dining room table.  There are gouges in Cookie's bunkbed where the Peanut Butter Kid munched on it.  She didn't just get splinters in her mouth, she would have chunks of wood in there.  It was like she was trying to make her own mulch.  We had her tested for vitamin deficiencies and lead exposure, and she was supposedly "normal."  Eventually I bought her some hard rubber chew toys at PetSmart and let her chew on those.  And I swear an occupational therapist and our pediatrician said it was a good idea.

23 comments:

  1. Oh yes, we have random moments of naked. At this point, my only requirement is that you were underwear or a diaper. Kieran thinks his potty trained and prefers to free ball it. Amanda has moved from nature girl to super model, complete with multiple outfit changes. It's a good thing she likes to hang up clothes.

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  2. Reading this as, coinidentally, my daughter is getting into various states of undress and telling me that she needs to change her diaper.....am looking for the duct tape as we speak. Thanks for the morning laugh!

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  3. LOVE THIS ONE! My almost 5 year old boy/girl love to have naked parties all the time. They somehow managed to wrangle in my friends kid who is also the same age and has been stripping like a pro since she was 2. Needless to say we had to put an end to it when there were too many anatomy questions.

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  4. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your poop in the living rooms story! Somehow it's comforting to know there is another mom out there who has walked around the house nose in the air, sniffing like a dog, trying to find the poop you know is hiding. And in this house we have 2 boys that refuse underwear. I make them put them on in the morning and by lunch they come to tell me that "the underpants 'disdappeared'. As long as the potties end up in the toilet, however, underwear are optional! (at least in this mommy's house)

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  5. i rememeber those days and they are still going on with my 11 year old but he has to alest but on shorts if someone comes over but when they leave off comes the clothes. he been taking clothes off from the time he was a baby. we do have a senosy issues to.

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  6. In our house it's called "naked running". I have two avid streakers-- one 2 and the other is 6.

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  7. Thank you so much for the needed laugh. The rant you had about the poop I've done myself --minus one word. The rest of it I've said, several times over. My Jman is autistic and we do the nekkid boy thing. He would so totally still be in the Garden of Eden if that hadnt been totally messed up because he is naked and unashamed. But he does have some semblance of modesty thank goodness. I just say dude, put something on. I dont need to see that.

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  8. lol, I love this quote, "I just can't have nice things. Because people poop on them."

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  9. My girlfriend's three yr old would get naked every time we went out, in the mall, in a store, and in the tunnels at Chuck e Cheese ... Mom had to climb thro and retrieve her bits and pieces!

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  10. You just reminded me of a shirt I am thinking of getting my little monsters. http://www.thinkgeek.com/geek-kids/1-3-years/e515/

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  11. I used duct tape too! It was for my daughter's painting with poop is fun stage. I resorted to it after I tried putting everything on backwards.

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  12. My oldest, who is now 16, despised wearing a shirt for the longest time. In response to being asked why, in the middle of November (it's cold in Saskatchewan in November), he was not wearing a shirt, his reply was: "My shirt's too busy". Now, at 16, when he comes home from his part-time job, he's barely through the door before his shirt comes off.

    Oh and I used duct tape. On my third kid, the now 6 year old. Out of sheer desparation. And I've also had plenty of experience with the hiding poopers.

    We did this to ourselves voluntarily? WTF?

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  13. LOL My 15 month old discovered he can take his diaper off himself yesterday for the first time. With it being 110+ here in AZ, he spends a lot of time in a t-shirt and diapers and yesterday he climbs onto our bed with my husband in a t-shirt and bare-butt! Will have to definitely get the duct tape a try if[when] he keeps it up!

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  14. Oh my word! I'm so indebted to you for the laughs you keep giving me! Thanks for another great start to the day!

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  15. See, this is why you should just put 'em out in the yard (you live in a hot climate, right?) nekkid and just hose them off occasionally. Hey, it's how we evolved!
    (except for the hoses)

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  16. I woke up this morning, wondering why my almost-two-year-old girl had not come in to snuggle with me. I found her, locked in her own room (her brother shut the door and she turned the lock). When I opened the door, there she was, completely naked and grinning at me. She greeted me, "mornin', mama". And then I saw the poop. She had pooped on the floor and tried to pick it up herself, only managing to distribute it to various corners of the room. There was poop in the carpet and poop on her toys. I also have a barely-three-year-old boy who is also in the midst of potty training, and let me tell you, it's been one big naked poop fest around here for months. I'm not kidding when I say I've gained 15 pounds because I eat when I get stressed and the nakiness and the pooping is about to do me in. It's a good thing there's not alcohol in the house. Thanks for the laugh this morning! Helped relieve my nakey-poopy-stress.

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  17. When we moved into this house that has a big window seat in the front... I think it frightened my neighbors to see, at the time, 2 naked 18 month olds with their little noses pressed against the glass like puppies when they were waiting for daddy to get home from work. Now, whenever we get a new neighbor, I introduce myself as the mom who runs the nudest colony of 2 naked 3 year olds and a naked 18 month old always flashing their boy bits and girly parts at their kids out the window like "haha i get to be naaaaked and you don't bc you are outside".

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  18. Petsmart chew toys -- OMG, I suggested that to my husband years ago. And he totally put the kibbosh on it, no kid of his would be caught dead chewing on a Kong and anyway who knows if doggy toys are safe for kids -- and then *just this week* it came up at our intensive-autism-therapy team meeting, as a suggestion from the senior therapist. And DH *still* won't let me do it. Gah.

    Sorry, this was supposed to be about poop, wasn't it?! Oh well.

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  19. I used a dog chew toy for my son when he was an infant and he wanted to chew all the time. He is now 15 and doing fine. Also,we had a small (exercise) trampoline in the den so he wouldn't jump on the furniture. It worked. However, our 3 year old daughter would jump on the trampoline and watch a video and jump. The third song on the video was a takeoff of the song "Shout" (words were changed) Everytime that song came on, she would stip naked jumping up and down on the trampoline to the music. It was hilarious!! We called her "Hopping white bottom"

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  20. My youngest is 5 1/2. We recently had a new friend over, a little boy who is 6 1/2 and the little brother of a friend. Suddenly my older daughter and this little boy come running out of the bedroom where they were watching a DVD. "Diva (code name for my youngest) is just in her panties!!!" She had decided to change clothes and didn't mind a boy was in there. It kind of traumatized the kid. I don't know if he will come over again.
    sigh.

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  21. Duct tape doesn't always work when you have industrious twins who are always looking for ways to help each other out (of their diapers). Just sayin'. We had a nudist colony for years around here and I still have one (almost 8) who prefers to watch television au natural.
    Tracy R

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  22. My 20 month old son has been getting out of his diaper since he was about 10 months old. It has gotten to the point now that he takes it off in his sleep (from under a onesie and waterproof pants), will pee in his bed and wake up screaming! I totally tried the duct tape thing, and he picks at it until he can roll it up over the tabs. Then he ends up with a duct tape belt around his waist with his diaper trailing down behind him...LOL!! I was going to just start potty training him (he already goes pee pee in the potty on occasion), but he is super tiny and they don't make training pants small enough for him (or pull ups)!! I have a feeling we are going to be dealing with nekkidness for a while around here! :)

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  23. My little boy once took his diaper off in.the.shopping cart.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were happily cruising around our local Ross store and he said "nekkid" and I look to my horror he'd taken off his pants and diaper and was looking at me like "how'd that happen?" I QUICKLY got it back on him and we left....24 month onesies in tow.

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