I'm tired of so-called "women's magazines." They pretend to be inspiring and helpful, but really they just make me feel like crap. The thing is, they're unavoidable, unless you live in a magical faerie land wherein you can avoid the grocery store checkout line.
The drugstore checkout line is even worse. The cover of Cosmo trumpets "What Men Want In Bed Now!" I am clearly past Cosmo's demographic. Because a) my first thought was an annoyed what the hell do they want now? and b) I am old enough to have figured out that what men want in bed now is sex. I wish I could go back in time and explain this to the 18-year-old me: duh. Save the $4 newsstand price and invest it in tech stocks.
By far the most galling are the parenting articles. I'm either too permissive, allowing my children to run wild, or I'm a hovering "helicopter mom." (By the way, whoever coined that precious term is probably not actually raising children today.) Many of the articles focus on how best to use our time. We need to spend more time together as a family, but the children all need one-on-one time with each parent, and it's important to remember your marriage, and don't forget to spend time doing something just for you. What kind of alien calendar are they working from? Probably the same one that Martha Stewart uses. (Wednesday: Deadhead roses and perennials. Also, wash all cats.)
Not that there's any fear mongering going on, but apparently everything I'm doing is wrong. I would, just once, like to read a magazine article about all the stuff I'm doing right. Here are some topic suggestions to get the ball rolling over at Hearst Corporation:
- Hey, your kids are still alive at the end of the day: Great job, mom!
- You gave them some food! You're a great cook!
- You emptied the dishwasher! Your house is gorgeous!
- None of your neighbors have called Child Protective Services on you! You must be raising them okay!
- You managed to shower today and you've tweezed your eyebrows sometime during this presidency? You're hawt.
- You grew another human being inside your body, and then let your body be ripped to shreds getting it out of you, and then you kept that other human being alive by making it food from your body? You have the most amazing body ever.