Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Dora, We Need To Talk.

Dear Dora,

We need to talk.

I've been letting you into my home on a daily basis for the last nine years.  Just when I think we're outgrowing you, bam, I have another kid, and there you are again, screaming at me to abre!  At this point, I feel like we're totally BFF's.   So I think I can tell you something important, and hopefully you won't be too offended.

You're getting on my nerves, girlfriend.

You're putting way too many demands on me.  You need to stop yelling at me to stand up, stand up, STAND UP!  I just want to sit here on the couch and drink my coffee and appreciate the fact that my head is sized proportionately to my body.  I don't want to abre, salta, or corre.  I want to sit here and check Facebook while my kids zone out.  But I can't even concentrate on something as mindless as Facebook because you're screeching at me.

Also, I appreciate the fact that you are able to find volcanoes on your own without bothering your parents about it. I like that kind of independence.  However, it does concern me that your parents let you and your cousins traipse around the rain forest with only a talking map to guide you.  In fact, the whole situation seems like a bad peyote trip, and your parents don't seem to be supervising the situation at all

Perhaps your pushiness is simply a reaction to being neglected by your parents. They obviously haven't taken you clothes shopping in a while. If you keep wearing that same belly shirt you're going to be as skankeriffic as Lindsay Lohan in no time.  I see that you're often left to forage for your own food: blueberries, chocolate, Big Red Chicken.  What little you find, Swiper steals.  It's sad, really.

Is it possible that your parents are out partying somewhere with Max and Ruby's parents?  Because that would explain a lot

I have a funny feeling that Caillou's parents may be involved as well.  They are a little too calm in the face of so much whining.  Why hasn't Caillou's mom ever snapped, "For God's sake, Caillou, maybe if you stop whining for five seconds I'd be able to think straight and figure out why you're bald"?  I'll tell you why. It's because she's whacked out on Mommy's Little Helpers

Dora, I promise that if you can stop yelling at me so much, I will try to help you.  Maybe a call to Child Protective Services is in order. Or maybe an episode of Intervention featuring the entire line-up of Nick Jr. parents.  [Note: I believe this is the exact moment my blog became ineligible for any of the awards on the Nickelodeon "Parents Connect" site.] 

Jeez, Dora, the more I think about it, the more worried I am about y'all.  Ruby's been on her own for years, taking care of Max, with only their tipsy grandmother peeking in once in a while.  Max has a significant speech delay and doesn't seem to be getting any Early Intervention services. Why hasn't anyone stepped in?  Is the Bunny Scout leader blind?

And who will take care of Caillou and Rosie?  The mom is whacked out on tranquilizers and the dad is oblivious.  Best-case scenario for Caillou is that someone hooks him up with a foster home and Locks of Love.

And you, Dora.  You're off gallivanting around the world being supervised by a monkey.  It's not good.  So please, I beg of you,  stop yelling at me, and I will help you.

Just let me finish my coffee first.

xoxo,
stark. raving. mad. mommy. 

114 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Just yesterday, my two year old screamed at the tv, while Dora was pointing to a star and asking repeatedly, "Do you know what shape this is??" "It's a taaarrr! DUH!!" I'm glad someone is trying to get to the bottom of all the missing parents on Nick jr! And I cut Calliou out years ago for the whining. Sometimes I even tell my kids they sound like him, so ask again in a more pleasant voice! You are too funny! Thanks for the laughs this morning!
    ~Holly
    www.themomtage.com

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  2. There are very few written things that have got me laughing to the point of tears...this is one of them! Thank you, thank you for a great start to the day.

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  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Mental note - NEVER ever drink tea while reading this blog. I sucked some back through my nose and laughed it all over myself...

    OMG!! Soo funny, toooo funny!

    M
    ps - never watched Calliou or Dora (as Dora was waaaaay too peppy for me) but Max and Ruby's been bothering me for years!

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  4. My sister is a reading teacher who says kids adventures where kids are away from adults are classic literary blah blah blah. I say the day we turn on Dore in my house is the day I CLAW MY EARDRUMS OUT WITH A RUSTY NAIL because her voice makes me want to commit unnatural acts.

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  5. So, Max & Ruby is "Lord of the Flies" for preschoolers. That explains the problem in the Chick-fil-A play area.

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  6. Oh you brighten my morning here everyday. I thought I was going crazy today with my 6 yr. old finding where I hid Willy Wonka, and seeing grandpa Joe and three other old people in the same old bed.. Yuck. You obviously have it worse off then me.. Thank you.

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  7. lol I'm with 100%! We've had 9yrs of Dora here, too! There is definitely an issue with lack of parental engagement within these named families... someone should really step in.

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  8. Oh for the sweet love of Jesus. This is amazing. I feel like my brain has been turned to mushy bananas by the toddler mush being shoved at my kid. (Except for Yo Gabba Gabba, which, in an "I imagine this is what an acid trip feels like way" I sort of like.)

    Caillou? Bald Caillou? Poor kid. And have you noticed that his Mom and Dad look remarkably the same? I'm kind of starting to think that Caillou and Rosie have two dads. Or two moms.

    EESh. That kid gets on my nerves.

    And WTF is up with the Wonderpets and their desire to SING EVERYTHING to the tune of some freaking concerto!?!? WTF, mate!

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  9. Dude, I like Yo Gabba Gabba too. Bob the Artist is Bob Mothersbaugh from Devo.

    You're right about Caillou's parents looking sorta the same. Maybe the baldness is a chromosomal anomaly due to inbreeding?

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  10. And thank you for my laugh this morning.

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  11. I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!!!

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  12. Be grateful your kids weren't around for the Barney/Teletubbies craze. I almost had myself committed.

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  13. I am so glad that someone is bringing this out into the open. So many mornings have been spent debating with my husband where Max and Ruby's parents might be, as well as why Dora has to wear a shirt that is clearly way too short. Thanks for the laughs this morning!

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  14. Ummm... This may be the best thing anyone has ever written in the history of the world *and* the Republic of Texas. Including the works of William Shakespere. Thank you for your awe-inspiring brilliance and for making me snort three times.
    xo, Lydia

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  15. LMFAO! Great, hilarious post! We didn't let our daughter watch Dora. My husband and I TIVOed a couple of episodes and watched them after we put our daughter to sleep! We could not stop laughing--but not in a good way. We never let our daughter watch them. Very scary.

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  16. Well i have to say luckly my kids like play house disney better then nick jr. and barney is outlawed in my house. never liked max and ruby ... ruby is so demanding its unreal many times i have shouted at the t.v. shut up and he'll tell the only word he knows. it was banned for awhile in my house how can you teach an autie that you need full sentences when you have a rabbit only saying one word in the whole eppisode! ok vent over i always look forward to read your blog daily. also made a couple of ppl feel the need to read you as well. good job mommy!

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  17. Funniest thing I've read all day.

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  18. And people think I'm cruel for teaching my son that we don't watch the Big Purple Dinosaur. He gets really nervous when he hears the theme song, and yells for me to change the channel because "that dinosaur is no good." I'm only trying to protect him from months of therapy later in life. We also don't know who that red furry fellow, or that whiney kid are. Dora? Diego? Who's that? I'm very selective with our programming, and I say, for good reason.

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  19. Now I know where Max & Ruby's parents are. Wow. I can now rest in peace. LOL Thanks for answering this maddening question.

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  20. All so true and very funny! Now..what's the deal with Yo-Gabba-Gabba?

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  21. Double-checking that I took my pill today.

    Yup, I did.

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  22. I honestly thought I was the only mom out there the thought Dora was very demanding and yelled all the time - every other mom around me seemed to love it and buy every Dora trinket out there... I'm so glad someone else feels the same way I do! And that Diego irks me too... I don't trust him - he's got the shift eyes. (We also avoid Barney like the PLAGUE!)

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  23. I'm pretty sure Biz from Yo Gabba Gabba is looking for foster children.

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  24. lol so funny!!! I think so very similar things! Monkeys and tipsy grandma's can't be trusted!

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  25. OMG! Thank you for this so much. Seriously, sometimes I'm drowning in whining and this is a life preserver.

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  26. yeah I consider myself blessed, BLESSED that my tot only likes Playhouse Disney. Mickey Mouse specifically. And Mickey has a sense of humor sometimes! I heard him say hu hu I almost forgot! Seems like I do that a LOT! We get to say the magic words!

    I about died laughing.

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  27. HEEHEEE LUV IT !!

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  28. Speaking of Ruby, social services need to be called for the following reasons...

    1. She never pays any attention to Max. Max constantly tries to tell her things like "Hungry" meaning "I am hungry bi**h" and "Firetruck" as in "my firetruck is in your freaking piano" and she pays him no mind and continues with her own agenga.

    2. Ruby's bunnyscout friend, Louise , is way more important to her than Max. When she is around Max is non-existant... "Go away Max, we are trying to earn our bunnyscout badge in being a hostess." She should be trying to earn her bunnyscout badge in trying to be a good big sister.

    3. She only had eleven dollars and took Max on a public BUS to buy grandma a birthday present ! she can't protect him, how old is she seven???? What if something happened? What would she do then? Max spent all their money on lunch and glow in the dark teeth and she couldn't even afford to get them back home. They would have been traped if they had not called their grandma to come and pick them up ON HER BIRTHDAY, how disrespectful of that Ruby.

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  29. I always imagined that Elmer Fudd got Max and Ruby's parents.

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    1. Best conclusion, ever.

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  30. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMLOL!!! HAHAHA I am Crying with laughter! My 2yo just asked me "awright?" Bc I am hysterical. LOL THANK you. THANK YOU. After being a daycare teacher for 13 years and now SAHM with my own, I have HAD IT. With all of them. Elmo is a demon. That's why he's red. Thank you. LOL

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  31. I've always thought Dragon Tales was a bad show as well. 2 kids, sometimes dragging their cousin along, going off to a magical land who knows how far away, without their parents knowing or providing supervision. When I told my sister that she thought I was crazy.

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  32. I'm suprised you didn't mention her hair. It creeps me out. Max & Ruby I'll watch with my son, but Dora goes on so I can get something done.

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  33. I had to give in to Dora for potty training, it was the only thing that worked. This morning, in the car, I had to listen to my daughter re-enact an entire episode, how we were going to find our way, etc. OMG, for the love of all that is holy, STOP! Oh, and I love YGG too, I think its definitely the acid trip thing someone else mentioned, plus, I love Biz Markie! And don't get me started on Wonder Pets, here I was trying to teach my 2 year old to speak, and they all talk with a lisp. Like that is helpful, NOT!

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  34. The entire parents out of the picture thing freaks me out. You know what else bothers me? I'm all for girl power and god knows when I was a kid we needed more girl centric stuff, but please can we have someone besides baldy and Diego as the hero's of just a few shows? I'd love for my son to have a bit of variety.

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  35. My husband sings, "Dora Dora Dora the big bora..." hehe.... we are so very sick of Dora!

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  36. This is pure brilliance .... absolute brilliance...

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  37. All of this makes me wonder how Steve EVER got accepted to college! I'm even more impressed with him.

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  38. In the words of the teletubbies, "Again, Again"!!!!

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  39. LOL this post is just hilarious!

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  40. WAY to go! Ciallou was banned for the same reason! I even told my kids that I could not stand that show because he always whines and is naughty and never gets in trouble for it! The reality is that with most kids, if they were parented in that way you could not take them ANYWHERE! They would annoy the crap out of everyone around you! And you would be one of those people in the line at the store with everyone around you trying to figure out how they could kill themselves with the limited items in the shelves by the checkout!

    I too have begun to ban some of these shows from our TV! My husband tells them, "This show is an insult to your intelligence!" And what is up with some parents letting their kids watch Sponge Bob! MY 6-year-old got to see it at the ER when she split her lip open. She watched it for a few minutes and turned to me and said, "Mom, this show is really dumb." Yes, Dear Smart Daughter. Yes, it is!

    But kudos to Disney's "Phineus and Ferb." Not so stupid that parents can't stand it, still fun for kids, and full of enough imagination to occupy kids enough to e-mail and clean! I also like Backyardigans. They are also low on the annoy-o-meter!

    Thanks for the actual laughing out loud today!

    http://walkaschildren.blogspot.com/

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  41. I don't get why everyone thinks Yo Gabba Gabba is so great... That show kills brain cells by the second. My daughters best friend used to put her son in his little Kiddie Korral in front of their wide screen TV and put that show on. Now, at three, he is the dumbest kid I know. The one time I went to babysit him, she said to put it on for him and he will chill. I couldn't get through the first three minutes before I literally heard my poor little brain cells screaming for mercy. "There's a party in my tummy..."? I think the party went down in the writers room as the shows scripts and songs were being written. That particular song was conceived about the time the munchies hit... that's what I think. I hate to be the one to break it to my friends daughter, but there is a huge difference between "chilled" and flat out stupid.

    As for Barney, my youngest was raised on Barney. She was introduced to him at daycare and I still have a drawer full of Barney VHS tapes. He was purple and he loved you. What more could anyone want?

    My oldest had an unnatural desire to own an enormous red dog so she could name it Clifford... to the point she cried every night about how much she wanted that dog. She now owns a Yorkie and its name isn't Clifford. They do survive their childhood viewing habits thankfully.

    I have to admit to kind of liking the Wonder Pets. They're cute and fluffy and have good intentions.... and with their lisps, they would have made Cindy Brady feel accepted.

    As for Dora and Diego, no thanks... fortunately my half Hispanic grandson has his other grandmother and Handy Manny to teach him Spanish because I'm afraid I couldn't tolerate Dora or Diego without having a mental breakdown.

    My only issue with Handy Manny is how it comes off just a bit racially stereotypical. Surely, Manny seems to be an educated man, so why is the Mexican guy doing odd jobs for all of the neighboring business people like some illegal who just crossed the border? And do they ever pay him or does Sheetrock Hills still operate on the barter system?

    My vote for the best childrens show on TV.... Imagination Movers! My grandson loves them, they are an awesome group of guys (Smitty sent us an email and Dave was very cool when we met him at a show my grandson and I attended)and they don't make me want to pull my hair out or kill small, furry little creatures.

    Being a Grandma who loves to rock out, I find them the most entertaining programming out there as well one of the few offering good, useful worldly advice ... If you have a problem, you can work it out. Sometimes you need the help of others but with common sense, intelligence and creativity, anything is possible. Thank the Heavens for Playhouse Disney.

    Some may think it's strange seeing four grown men parading around singing silly lyrics to awesome rock tunes. I believe everyone is entitled to their own interpretations. People say Mr. Rogers was a pedophile but having been raised with him as my only father-figure, I will throw it down with anyone who who speaks badly about the one person who saved my childhood sanity. For all intents and purposes, Mr. Rogers was my "Dad" and the Imagination Movers could very well be my cooler, more awesome younger brothers!

    Sorry for the long commentary but my friend directed me to your blog and I just had to comment. Have an awesome day!

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  42. I agree about Dora, Diego, Calliou (we say he is cousin to Pee U in our house), & Max & Ruby. All annoying as hell. My 10 yr old & I call Dora, Dora the Exploder..YGG- not a fan. It's a bad acid trip to me. The only show I can actually tolerate that my kiddo watches is Backyardigans- at least they have cool music to go along with their adventures:) Luckily, my 4 yr. old likes to watch the "older kid shows" like Full House so we are getting out of all of the other crap. Thanks for the hilarious post!

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  43. Wow... Reading this blog and all the comments makes me very glad my 6.5 y/o watches only Playhouse Disney 1 hr/day 2 weeks/year (at Grandma and Grandpa's). We don't turn on TV here, but she plays the keyboard, harmonica and "drums", reads books (William J Bennett's Book of Virtues, adult volume) and magazines, gardens and plays outdoors a LOT. Oh, she also listens to music, books on tape and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. Would I sometimes like to turn something on so I could have an hour's peace and quiet?? YEP!!! ... but I'm looking to the future, and you folks have already shown me just a bit of what we're missing!

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  44. Another promotion for the fact that we don't have ANY television reception in my house. I'm still all excited that my TV had "snow" for the Winter Olympics in BC when everyone was whining there wasn't any snow. I saw plenty of snow on my screen! Thanks Canada for all that "digital" Tv, it's saved me and my kids from shows discribed up there?

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  45. I would love to know your thoughts about The Wiggles....shouldn't someone be doing something about Jeff's narcolepsy and Anthony's over eating issues....

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  46. Oh lighten up everyone! PLayhouse Disney, PBS Kids, Nick Jr.... it's all the same...

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  47. I absolutely loved your rant about dora, and max and ruby are a bad influence in my opinion and if I hear my grandson say OH!! Man!!! one more time I think I am going to go postal, I really dislike those words... well keep up the great work stark raving mad mommy and have a great day...

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  48. Hi I just wanted to ask if anyone has anything good to say about spongebob, in my opinion spongebob is one of the most absolutely stupid ideas a person could have come up with, my grandson watches that show constantly and I get this twitch in my eye everytime I hear that god awful laugh and don't even get me started on patrick, OH!! MY!! GOD!!!

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  49. omg this was the stupidest thing i have ever read. and i have a 15 month old..and she doesn't watch this stupid crap. we have never even turned it on. i put on adult things and she ignores the tv mostly and plays. i don't have the patience to watch these shows. let your kids watch the good stuff.

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  50. Well, thanks for having the patience to read my blog, even if you thought it was stupid. Not really going for the Nobel Prize in Literature here. I {heart} everyone's opinions.

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  51. Been reading your blog and I love it. But you can't please everybody. I think you are doing well writing stuff that make mommies smile and laugh. Thank you stark.raving.mad.mommy!!! :-)

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  52. Get a life Anon!Your as serious as a heart attack! The rest of us mom's truly enjoy SRMM!!! Please remember, just like no one dictates how you watch TV, the same rule applies to reading Blogs.

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  53. Too funny. I don't allow Calliou because of the whining either. I've wondered about Max and Ruby's parents, but then where were the Peanuts Gang's parents when we were growing up? Why did Charlie brown make Thanksgiving dinner for his friends?

    I agree that YGG is a bit like what I'd imagine an acid trip is like, but I thought that even more so with Boobah.

    My friend is a writer for Imagination Movers, so I'm glad someone said that was a good show.

    Thanks for the blog. I really enjoy it!

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  54. my son has aspergbers and love barney and dora and all the kids show. i never put grownup throughts on them. he is at the 8th grade level going in to 6th grade. iam not going to disagree or agree with anyone but when they learn manners from barney what is the problem.

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  55. It's all good. All opinions are welcome; the only thing I'll delete is anything hateful or blatantly spammy.
    @LaurenAct13 -- love Imagination Movers. My kids rock out to it.

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  56. I have The Wonder Pets as my ring tone on my phone ... you know, the one 'The phone, the phone is ringing' and it puts my 12 year old over the edge every time she hears it (she was more a 'How its made' kind of kid)
    One thing scarier than Barney, are the children on Barney - wonder where they all are now?
    http://bywordofmouthmusingsandmemoirs.blogspot.com/

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  57. Same w/ all the pixar movies...if they have parents it's only a MOM...and who doesn't notice that their daughter who can't talk but is potty trained(???) has been gone all night with 'kitty' and mike lebowski???? Sid's Mom only feeds him Pop Tarts....and let's him play with matches and rockets? You've got to wonder if all those (wonderful) writers were raised in single parent homes?

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  58. Imagination Movers is a great show!! We rock out to the CD in the car, along with the incredible Laurie Berkner! Yes, I have even found myself singing along WELL after I have dropped off the kiddos. She's THAT good. ;-) To those of you with your "Holier than thou" attitude about kids and TV, well in the immortal words of Kate and Lydia..."Suck it Fancy." SRMM, you are AWE.SOME. Raising a T-Box to you girl. Keep up the great work! My laundry will NEVER get done now that I have another blog to obsessively follow. ;-) You are smart, witty, and downright FUNNY. Thanks!

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  59. Really, I don't care what anon thinks. This blog brightens my day every day. I am so glad I found it!!! You are great! Keep it coming SRMM! I love you!!!

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  60. I LOVED this. So true. So wonderful. Love it, love YOU. Thanks for being a class act in the face of criticism. You may be stark.raving.mad. but you are still a lady! I *heart* you!

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  61. I avoided Barney and Dora like the plague. Playhouse Disney has had fun shows, including the Wiggles (catchy music, with songs full of good advice (eating fruit salad? drinking water? etc. and making it fun). I cringe when my kids find Spongebob. they turn into zombies! at my dad's house they watch Boomerang with all the shows WE watched as kids (Smurfs, Flintstones, etc.)

    two notes: are these TV shows aimed at speaking directly to our kids with no parents involved? as if parents don't count? what kind of message is this? subterfuge and conspiracy? hmm.

    **most importantly: FOODTV!! my parenting tip of the day is to watch the Food Network. it's about food, which the kids understand (and maybe get interested in when they see people trying new things). there are NO toy commercials and no scary movie previews in the p.m. like on other cable channels. you'd be surprised how interested in cake designs and competitions they get. And Mom can enjoy it too.

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  62. The Yo Gabba Gabba artist is MARK Mothersbaugh. Not Bob. He even says it: "Hi, I'm Mark."

    I'm from Ohio, gotta give proper respect to the best thing to ever come out of Akron ;-)

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  63. This made me laugh out loud! Thank you!

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  64. @mamapensees Gaaaahh! You're right! (His younger brother Bob Mothersbaugh was also in Devo, though.) My apologies to the good people of Akron and Devo fans everywhere. I can't beleive I messed that up -- the Pork Lo Maniac even made a Mark Mothersbaugh puppet once (there's a photo of it on my post Brain Washing: It's More Fun than Laundry (http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/2010/06/brain-washing-more-fun-than-laundry.html)

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  65. Stark Raving Mad Mommy- This post was awesome! I read it out loud to my parents and we were all in stitches! I am not a mommy, but I am an auntie. We have not had to endure Dora, although my 4 yr old niece knows who she is. And lordy, we have had to watch that annoying Calliou (anybody see the episode where the cat took off? Mom and Dad promised to find him-they walked outside, said "Here Gilbert..Brr, it's cold out here", and went back inside? Way to go the extra mile for you kid! No wonder he's so whiney!!) Her favorite 2 shows however, are not from the states. Fireman Sam and Shaun the Sheep. And while Fireman Sam can be quite annoying, they do at least have a female firefighter who is strong female character. Sam & Penny "call" her all the time and "go" places with us- like to the park! And Shaun the Sheep is a baa-rilliant show done by the same people who created Wallace & Grommit! No words in the show at all, but yet it conveys so much. I love it as well!

    To the poster who thinks this is all stupid. First off, this is just us laughing with hilarity because someone sat down and said out loud out what we all think when we end up sitting down and watching some of these kid's shows! Second, your 15 month old is not interested in tv because she is 15. months. old. Just you wait. When she gets a little older, she is going to start paying attention. And be careful what you have on. I was reading a book to my niece and Lost was on. One of characters was screaming pain and she freaked out. She looked up at the tv and said "No No!! Stop it! Stop doing that!!". Even when you think they aren't paying attention to it, they are.

    And lastly, I am going to have to throw in my support for Spongebob. I'm sorry, but I love it. Maybe it's the child in me. Maybe it's the artist. Maybe it's that I see the genius behind it. When I watch it, I see the odes to likes of Chuck Jones and Tex Avery. There was even a tribute to R. Crumb that had me rolling. I see the jokes they put in for the adults. The episode when they cursed? And the 'cursing' was a dolphin squeak! How can you not appreciate the fact that greats like Tim Conway and Ernest Borgnine (as the underwater superheros - didn't anyone here spend many a saturday morning watching the Superfriends?)
    have done voice overs for the show (not to mention Johny Depp!)
    I am 40, and I am proud to say watch it! And so does my niece!

    I would like to end by again saying: SRMM- Loved. This. Post.!

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  66. I hate to sound too critical, and I do agree.....but turn off the TV. If the kids aren't watching these shows then they'd stop airing them, just saying.

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  67. Love the blog!!!
    Would like to read your take on Toopy and Binoo.

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  68. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Especially on Calliou. If my kid whined that much, I'd seriously rethink my stance on not smacking her. ;P

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  69. You have read my mind. I have thought this for YEARS. So much so, we call her Dora the Annoyer. And Caillou? Completely banned after 2 episodes. And that says something since I am pretty lenient with tv. The whining and tantrums make me want to scream.

    BTW, I love Spongebob. I watch it myself without my kid. LOL

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  70. Stop shouting Dora!!! Marvellous. I have to stop my husband from swearing sarcastically at the tv because that girl is so irritating! Love your comment!

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  71. Seriously I am going to keep this up to show my husband, he is always mentioning that max and ruby have no parents and so our kids aren't allowed to watch it, and It bugs me anyway! Dora I like, she teaches my daughter some fun stuff, even if she is loud and annoying... it may be the only time I get to myself. I have learned to tune it out!
    WE do love imagination movers and playhouse disney... however now we shut our tv off so we have boring things like standard channels
    Dinosaur train really sucks!

    thakns for the laugh

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  72. I am 32, mother of four, wife of one and I {heart} SpongeBob. It makes me laugh. I watch it with my kids AND when I'm alone. My kids will walk in and say "Aww, Mom! SpongeBob again?"

    Everyone is different, everyone has different opinions, and that's what makes it so fun. How boring would it be if we all liked the same stuff?

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  73. lmao very funny, you've touched on everything I've always been thinking about these shows.

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  74. OMGoodness I love it!! I too have had these same thoughts over the years. Thanks I needed this

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  75. Oh my stars! It's like you crawled inside my brain! Did anyone ever watch The Doodlebops? My daughter loved that stupid show. I actually preferred housework to that.

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  76. Awesome! Glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!

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  77. That is awesome! Thanks for expressing the feelings of parents everywhere and for the much needed laugh!

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  78. OMG my husband and I just laughed until we cried!

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  79. LOVE IT! I have to throw in a big gold star for Little Bear because Mother Bear, Father Bear, the grandparents are all active in his life. Although... the parent/grandmother that lets their seven-year old girl play with talking bears is probably a little more lenient than I am. But, Mother Bear is one of the best examples of "Playful Parenting" I have seen represented in any media and sometimes when my toddler is pushing boundaries I think to myself "What Would Mother Bear Do?"

    I absolutely cannot stand Ni-Hao Kai-lan. The relational aggression shown in that show made my daughter actually act out worse. Sure, she learned the different emotions, but rather than learning how to calm down she learned how to get fired up from her emotions. That show spends more time modeling being upset/angry/afraid than it does resolving the problem and that is why we don't watch it here. We don't like Little Einsteins for the same reason. They spend a lot of time being competitive and laughing at Blue Jet. I think that just models mob bullying rather than provides comic relief. If my girl watches that at all, it is a non Blue Jet episode. Just my humble opinion. Same with Dora and Swiper. But you did such a great job ripping that show I don't need to add to it.

    I quickly learned to DVR the shows we approve of for our toddler. Usually that 22 minutes is enough to get me through a shower or washing dishes. Then it gets turned off.

    Great piece!

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  80. I just learned about your blog from a friend and you're hilarious! Fantastic writer. I TOTALLY feel the same way about Dora. My husband and I laughed so hard reading this post. Thanks for the entertainment.

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  81. This is ABSOLUTELY... FREAKEN... HILARIOUS!

    Totally made my day :D

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  82. We are a PBS family, mostly due to the fact that I will not pay the ridiculous price for the upgraded cable pkg. My kids really like the cartoons on PBS, it just gets a little annoying with all the reruns...by the end of the week you know every word that is about to be said. Caillou is banned from the house...last time my daughter watched a little bit of it she looked at me and said "that little boy needs a good spanking",even kids know! We recently got netflix and my daughter was excited to watch all the nick jr. shows we don't get usually, BIG MISTAKE!!! But thank you for the laughs, you're truly hysterical and I will be reading your blog now thanks to a friend's link directing me here from FB.

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  83. HILARIOUS!!!!! FRIGGIN' HILARIOUS!!!

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  84. Loved your post and all the comments that resulted. My older son watched Barney(I believe there was a "Kill Barney" website developed around then, but I didn't have internet) then, just as he finally discovered Pokemon(more kids roaming the world without parental supervision, but purple and green dinosaurs flapping thier little arms)his little brother became addicted to Teletubbies (Uh, Oh! Po...). I was VERY happy when he finally moved on. Unfortunately, most of the programming for older children still has that "Parents are negligable/ missing from your life" theme. The ones that do have parents show thaem as stupid, drunk, insane or absent most of the time.
    My boys are teenagers now, and seem to be doing well. So, there is hope for all of you wondering if those strange toddler /childrens TV shows will scar your little ones. They'll be fine. It's us adults who seem to bear the scars.

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  85. Best. Blog. Post. Ever. Period.

    I laughed so hard I actually woke people up in my house. You successfully summed up every thought I've ever had about those shows.

    Favorite line: "Why hasn't Caillou's mom ever snapped, "For God's sake, Caillou, maybe if you stop whining for five seconds I'd be able to think straight and figure out why you're bald"?"

    Seriously...why does he only have like 2 hairs on his head when his YOUNGER sister has a full mop? Makes no sense.

    You have outdone yourself with this one for sure!!!!

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  86. I have a 6 year old daughter who used to watch Dora. But that stopped the day she asked me where Dora's parents were and why Dora got to cross the street without holding someone's hand. I figured that if my 4 year old was questioning parenting skills, it was time to upgrade her viewing to something more suitable. We watch a lot more of the Disney channel now.

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  87. I can't explain how I've thought the same thing. You are fun-e girlfriend!

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  88. OMG... thank you so much for the laugh! That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. And boy do I feel your pain. I posted a blog a while back that expressed my feelings for Dora, as well. Anyway, thank you for the laugh. Oh, btw, I'm heading home in a minute to take care of our toddler while mommy gets a much needed break. And I'm no doubt going to be subjected to "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!"

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  89. Thank you for putting that out there. Where are there parents? God Ruby annoys the bejsus out of me. And Cailloui with the whining! Oh my god.

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  90. Bwahaahaa!!! I didn't see mention of the Wiggles-yummy yummy, fruit salad:) (ducking & running)

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  91. Caillou supposedly has cancer. That is why he is bald. But cancer is no excuse for being a total brat.

    I think Ruby is most definitely trying to infantilize her brother, and her parents were just getting in the way, so they had to go.

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  92. LOL- I'd love to hear your viewpoint on Barney!

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  93. Oh my goodness! Caillou drives me up the wall! I never let my 6 year old watch that or The Wiggles. And yea, Ruby and her bossiness is horrid. I always liked LazyTown. We dont have cable anymore so now I get stuck with the PBS shows. Which some of them, I dont mind too much. I have seen Yo Gabba Gabba, and currently have Diego (& Dora teamed up) yelling at me. Telling me to catch Baby Monarch. *POW* It is only on because it is one of the Halloween DVDs we have.

    This is a great blog! Im going to share it on facebook! lol

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  94. There was a show called the Comfy Couch when my son was little that was appalling. The main character was so naughty all the time; lying, talking back, throwing temper tantrums, etc. When we first started watching it was okay, then got weird, then uncomfortable. The day she started singing death metal with her electric guitar and screaming "I'm MAD!!!!", that was the day she was banned from our TV forever.

    Fortunately there are LOTS of programs to choose from but SpongeBob makes me physically ill. It is NOT a children's program, just like the Simpsons and South Park. Animated does not automatically mean for kids so be careful!

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  95. That is so funny because it is true! Just last night I was silently telling Dora that there is really no need to tell my children to say it "louder" cause they are already loud enough when helping her! Great story :)

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  96. As I sit here, my son is yelling "MAP! Da MAP!!"

    This was brilliant. Thank you.

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  97. Ha ha ha! Tricia is one of my best girlfriends, and I know it's her because I just got an e-mail telling me about this post and that her son was going wacko for Dora.

    My kids went through a Dora phase, but it was short, and only because of this one episode with a little frog in it.

    Max & Ruby, I really like because when my son was two he barely spoke. Then one night, he had a bad dream at my parents' house and my mother turned on Noggin at 3am. Max & Ruby. For some reason, he connected with Max instantly, and started saying whatever Max said. Max is responsible for my son talking, I swear.

    We have our theories as to where their parents are, though. My husband says there was a horrible thresher accident, and no one in Bunnytown ever talks about it because it was SO AWFUL. Many died. Many more traumatized.

    My mother's theory is that they're trapped in Mr. MacGregor's garden. I think if they were, they'd have been caught and turned into stew by now.

    Thank God for Peep and The Big Wide World. My kids love that show, and frankly, so do I. As in "Sh! Sam, Mama wants to hear what Quack is saying!".

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  98. I just remembered the one set of good Nick Jr. Parents! Little Bill's! Little Bill has great parents! And Alice the Great? She's like 100 and she rocks!

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  99. I was reading this link with Max and Ruby playing in the background and my older boys were just talking about where were their parents and why doesn't grandma help and why does Ruby have to be so pushy. I read this out loud to them with all of us crying with laughter. Word of warning don't listen to Dora in the car on long car rides because your kid may just decide to yell back. My husband almost ran off the road. We always wondered if Calilou was sick with cancer and so maybe he is in pain all the time to whine so much.

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  100. This is HILARIOUS! You can also add about Curious George, everyone treats him like a HUMAN!? "Oh, a monkey on my subway train, would you like to drive?" WHO OFFERS A MONKEY TO DRIVE THEIR TRAIN?!

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  101. This is so funny because a bunch of us parents were just talking about the same thing on facebook yesterday. I almost lost it when you explained where the parents are. My husband and I have been joking about this for years. I even read your blog to my 10 yr old son and he thought it was hysterical also. And he was the one that was exposed to Caillou. So, I offer that as proof that there is hope for our kids! Lol :)

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  102. I'm sharing you with my friends and family. :)

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  103. SHEESH! this post generated lots of traffic!

    Dora is fixture in our house as well. And I will admit that at the end of every episode when Dora asks me what my favorite part was. . . I fill in some ridiculously adult/disturbing graphic image sotto voce to which she invariably replies "I liked that too!" I feel like she sorta jumped the shark when magical 'explorer' stars started appearing and helping her along the way.

    I mean, i can suspend disbelief about parents letting a 6 year old travel across the world unsupervised with a talking monkey, backpack and map, but i draw the line at magic stars.

    Having said that, she beats the following hands down:

    Wiggles
    Barney
    Franklin
    Little Bear
    Blue Clues (although i have soft spot in my heart for this one)

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  104. OMG...I somehow just stumbled onto your blog...I am not a parent, but I don't have to be to say that after reading this and the one about the Vodka and Va jay jays...I could barely see to read because of the tears from laughing so friggin hard.

    Hysterical!

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  105. What about Dino Dan? I can't stand that show because Dan has to have some kind of emotional problem to imagine dinosaurs everywhere? He's a loner because of it and prefers to play with his imaginary friends. Toally off limits at our house even for my 2 year who doesn't understand most of TV anyway.

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  106. I had to tell my son that we didn't get the channel that had Caillou on it anymore.... it was that or teach him some (potentially - in the future) valuable words that I DID not need him sharing at daycare. It was bad enough he was singing the lyrics of Cover of the Rolling Stone.... Anyway, I digress. I still have issues with Max and Ruby, and we haven't watched that show since he was nearly 4.... 5 years ago. Thanks for the giggle!!

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