Vuvuzelas, Kardashians, and Twitter: I Have No Idea What's Going On

One of the things that happened when I became a mom is that I completely lost touch with pop culture.  When my twin girls were born, I had a 12 year old mother's helper that kept me up to date on N'Sync and The Backstreet Boys.  Obviously that was a while ago.

Now, I have no idea what's going on.  I recently forayed onto Twitter as a way for people to follow my blog.  The best part about Twitter is waching what's "trending."  Twitter shows, in real time, the top ten most popular words or phrases being tweeted at that particular moment.  It offers a disturbing window into society. Things that sound dirty turn out to be tame (vuvuzela, Robinho); tweets about the absolutely proper turn out to be dirty (Elena Kagan).

It's fascinating.  Because it demonstrates, in real time, that:

1. People like the word "vuvuzela;"
2. Spelling and grammar are no longer a priority; and
3. We're all going to hell in a handbasket.

It also demonstrates the gaping holes in my celebrity knowledge.  I used to enjoy reading Us Magazine in doctor's offices.  Stars -- They're Just Like Us!  They eat!  They buy personal hygeine items!  They get sinus infections!  (Yes, they're exactly like me in every way, except there's no one stalking me at Walgreen's.)  Now I'm more likely to be reading Highlights in the waiting room, and while the Timbertoes may be fascinating, they're never going to be trending on Twitter.

I look at the Twitter trends and I have no idea who these people are, or why their inane, truncated blather is being tweeted and re-tweeted.  For example, I know that the Kardashians are famous, but even after Googling them, I still don't really get why.  I think at least one of them is a porn star, possibly the whole family.  They might be involved with vuvuzelas.

At any given moment, the Twitter cognoscenti are expounding on the oil spill, Nicki Minaj, and #ohyoufancyhuh.  Being baffled by Twitter trends, I turned to People magazine online to see if I could figure things out. Not so much. 

Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson are still dead.  Okay, I'm with you. Nikki Blonsky is awesome.  Check. Mel Gibson filed a restraining order against his girlfriend.  Really?  Someone's crazier than Mel Gibson?  Something about John Edwards' daughter being pissed at him.  Got it.  Many people are divided over which teenage vampire is the dreamiest.  Both of them look like they're actually in their 30s.  (Rememeber Dylan in 90210?  That guy was what, like, 40?)  I don't actually care about Twilight, but I've heard of it.  So, okay, still with you, People. 

Then People pipes up with "Jake & Vienna Face Off in Emotionally Charged Meeting."  It seems Jake is famous for being on the Bachelor, and then on one of the dancing shows.  I think Vienna (and I'm sure that's her real hair bosom name) is famous for knowing Jake.  Aaaaand that's when I stop caring.

I give up. For the last nine years, I have been too tired to stay up past 8 p.m. Sadly, I'm so uncool I don't even know which shows to DVR. You know what I'm using my DVR for? iCarly specials and Star Wars movies. Sometimes I'll catch Kathy Griffin's D-List, and she'll make fun of celebrities, and then I'll Google them, and then I'll be cool for about two minutes.

On the other hand, I do know a lot about Star Wars.  Maybe Carrie Fisher will start trending on Twitter.